


Stars Spell Your Name

by khaleesiofalicante



Series: Stars Spell Your Name [1]
Category: The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Fluff and angst is my brand, M/M, Malec Angst, Malec Fluff, So dont shoot, its my first fic, malec roommate au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-05-13 15:49:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 60,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19254295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/khaleesiofalicante/pseuds/khaleesiofalicante
Summary: Life has not been easy for Alec Lightwood in the last few months. He lost his brother, got kicked out of his home and worst of all, he has been sleeping on Simon's tiny couch for months! But everything changes when he finds a new roommate - Magnus Bane.A story about oversized couches, supportive siblings, small towels, gay brains, broken hearts and late night star-gazing.A purely self-indulgent malec roommate au. - They not only share an apartment, but they also share one brain cell.





	1. Boötes

**Author's Note:**

> Happy reading :)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec just wanted to find a roommate who believed in plates or didn’t have a pet tarantula. He was wondering whether he was going to live the rest of his life on a couch listening to Star Wars fan theories when Simon walked into the apartment with a triumphant look shouting “I have found you the perfect roommate!”

To say that Alec Lightwood’s life has gone to shit over the last three months would a massive understatement. Of course, Alec never expected it go smoothly nor did he believe in a Disney ending for himself. But never did he ever imagine that he would lose everything he cared for in the span of three months. It all started when his youngest (and favorite – though Alec would never let the others find out) sibling passed away in a car accident. Alec might have been the eldest and heir to the family business, but Max Lightwood was the golden child. He was the kind of sibling who got away with breaking mom’s favorite Ming Vase and stealing drawers from Dad’s cabinet so he can stash his ‘secret’ comic books. Although he got away with everything, it had nothing to do with the fact that he was the youngest in the family. It’s just who Max was. You can’t help but love him and regardless of how hard you try, you can never hate him – even when he hides toy spiders under the covers to watch you freak out.

But now, Max was gone.

Alec never realized how important Max was in holding their family together. Without his presence, the ugly truths about their family began to slip out. His parents dropped the facade that they were ‘trying’ to make their marriage work and only spoke to each other when they absolutely had to. It became obvious that Alec’s father was never going to be proud of him. It was almost as if he knew. As if he knew who Alec really was. Their mother, on the other hand, began criticizing and disapproving Izzy’s life choices more openly. His sister always pretended like it didn’t get to her, but Alec knows. He knows all about the self-doubt and self-hatred that builds from years of desperately trying to please your parents by denying who you really are. Of course, Jace did whatever Jace wanted and his parents let him. But after Max’s passing, Alec started to feel like it wasn’t because they love him more but rather because they didn’t actually care. They didn’t care enough about Jace – who was not a Lightwood and therefore was not held responsible according to the Lightwood standards. The only thing that was worse than being constantly policed by your own parents was being completely ignored as if you didn’t matter.

It all happened during one of the mandatory Friday family dinners. The bereavement counselor had recommended they spend more time as a family to get through the ‘incident’. Dr. Blackwell believed that associating negativity with Max’s passing will not help them move on. So, he had asked them to refer to it as the ‘incident’. Three months after the ‘incident’, during the dinner that would change his life forever, Alec’s mother casually asked him if he was seeing anyone.

“No. Not at the moment,” Alec replied. Over the years, he had come to realize that saying as little as possible was for the best. When people tried to get elaborate with their lies, they get caught. Not that Alec was lying. Technically, he was just omitting.

“I ran into your boss Jia last weekend in court. Her daughter is studying in L.A. Apparently, she has taken a liking to the city it seems. Good for her. She’d make an excellent lawyer. Jia must be so proud. Not that I can relate.” Alec ignored the obvious dis at Izzy and continued to focus on his Brussels sprouts. He was not going to comment on it. He was not going to tell his mom that Izzy was the best in her class. He was not going to tell her that Izzy was the smartest in the family and clearly had a bright future in medicine. He was definitely not going to tell her that the only reason Aline is sticking around in L.A is because of a certain blonde law student.

“Anyways. Aline is back in New York for vacation. Why don’t you take her out and show her around?” His mom was a lot of things, but she not subtle. “Aline is from New York, mom. I’m pretty sure she knows the city better than I do.”

A mandatory part of the mandatory dinner was where either he or Izzy got interrogated about their personal lives instead of focusing on more important concerns, such as where the hell was Jace? This was the third time he missed dinner this month, not that his parents seemed to care. “Well then, how about her friend? I heard she brought back a friend from L.A. Hannah or something. She is new to town. Take her out. Show her a good time” She clearly was not going to give up any time soon.

“I’m pretty sure Aline has got that part covered”, Izzy snorted. Alec threw her an admonishing glare. “I am not interested in hanging out with Aline or Helen, mom.” Alec knew where his mom was headed and he had to try and shut that shit down. It was the same lecture they got every week. That Alec wasn’t dating enough and Izzy was dating way too much. He wondered what they would have told Max if he had lived longer. It was as if his father read his thoughts at that exact moment. “It’s a good thing your brother isn’t here. Or else, he might have picked up your misogynistic attitude.”

“I don’t hate women, dad. I just happen to love men.”

Over the last few years, Alec had thought a lot about coming out. About how to say it. When to say it. Where to say it. He wanted to, he really did. He even went so far as to write a personalized letter to each member in his family. Fortunately or unfortunately, he didn’t get the chance to give them out because of Max’s…‘incident’. But he never imagined that he would come out to his family over dinner with a mouth full of Brussels sprouts.

Alec had also extensively thought about how his family would react. But for some reason, every time it was the same. Izzy was holding a banner which said ‘Con-gay-tulations’. Jace gave him a gift, which he knew was definitely a box of condoms and a bottle of lube. Max was confused as to what all the fuss was about. His mom wiped a single tear off her cheek and whipped out what seemed like a photo album called ‘ _Eligible Bachelors for Alec_ ’. His father hugged him tightly and whispered ‘Oh, my darling boy! I always knew.’ In his fantasies, they would always react the exact same way. No wonder Dr. Blackwell thinks Alec has an obsessive need to be accepted.

But like Alec had always believed, no reaction was always worse than an overreaction. As it turned out, no one said anything at all. Alec wasn’t sure whether they didn’t know what to say or they didn’t hear him clearly because of the goddamn Brussels sprouts. His father abruptly stopped eating, got up and departed to his room. His mom was uncharacteristically quiet too, although her eyes conveyed ‘Dr. Blackwell will hear about this!’ before she followed suit. Izzy didn’t say anything either. She just hugged him tightly as if to silently promise that she would never let go.

He wasn’t really sure what his parents thought about his sexuality. But he definitely got the message when he came home from work the next day to find two suitcases outside his room. Well, at least someone packed his things for him. His father had told him he will be allowed to come back home when he remembers his duty to the Lightwood family and abandons his ‘degenerate lifestyle’. Alec wanted to tell him that there was no lifestyle considering that he has never really explored his sexuality. Fuck, he hasn’t even kissed another man. But he knew revealing that piece of information isn’t going to do any good. Jace was there, which was a big surprise in itself, and had tried to support him but was firmly shut down with a sharp ‘This is a family matter, Jonathan. Please stay out of it.’ Izzy on the other hand had protested loudly and made a whole scene. It was Alec who calmed her down since he knew that she might get punished too. Alec didn’t want that. He didn’t want his siblings to get hurt – especially not after what happened to Max.

So, that’s how Alec ended up becoming Simon’s temporary flatmate. He had been crashing on his couch for the last three weeks since Simon lived in a modest one-bedroom apartment. They have been working together at The Institute for the last two years and know each other fairly well. Alec thinks he knows Simon a little too well for his liking since the other man never shuts up. But he still loves him (not that he would ever admit that out loud) and was genuinely surprised when Simon invited Alec to crash at his place when he had heard what happened. Alec was actually satisfied with his current living arrangement but decided to move out to his own place for the sake of his back – crashing on someone’s couch for weeks, especially when you are 6’2 is not fun. But he hasn’t had any luck finding a good place with an affordable rent and a decent roommate. Izzy said he was just being picky and Jace believed Alec had fallen in love with Simon over the last three weeks. In reality, it was neither. Alec just wanted to find a roommate who believed in plates or didn’t have a pet tarantula. He was wondering whether he was going to live the rest of his life on a couch listening to Star Wars fan theories when Simon walked into the apartment with a triumphant look shouting “I have found you the perfect roommate!”

Alec knew better than to get his hopes up. “That’s what you said about the guy who ate off Frisbees and the girl who had a pet tarantula.” He wondered whether everyone in New York had a quirk these days. “I already apologized for the Frisbee Guy. But I don’t see what was wrong with Emma. She is great and Cortana was kinda cute to be honest”, Simon was already on his way to the kitchen, unpacking their dinner. Neither of them cooked and mostly ordered takeout from unhealthy fast food joints since someone had to reinforce stereotypes about bachelors living on their own in New York.

“That thing has eight legs, Simon! That’s six more than I have!! Can you imagine how fast it could move with eight legs??” Izzy was wrong. Alec wasn’t being picky. He just didn’t want to die tragically in a spider-related incident. Simon looked like he was doing his best not to laugh while trying to swallow a giant bite from his veg shawarma. “All spiders have eight legs, man! Anyway, that ship has sailed. Her boyfriend just moved in with her.” Thank god, Alec thought. At least now he wouldn’t have to sleep with a baseball bat under his bed. The thought of sleeping on a bed reminded Alec their initial topic of conversation. “So, what kind of weirdo did you find now? Does this person like to wear clown wigs or speak in John Mulaney’s voice?”

Simon looked at him curiously. “First of all, I am impressed you know who John Mulaney is and am glad you are putting my Netflix account to good use. Second of all, it’s a friend. Well, a friend of a friend. You know Clary, right? She works for this guy. Man, have I told you about her designs? She once made me this outfit for Comic-Con. It was a combo of Tony Stark and Bruce Wayne. It was glor- OUCH!” Alec has found that Simon, quite similar to their TV remote, had to be occasionally whacked a couple of times in order to function properly.

“Sorry, I got sidetracked. Anyways, it’s this guy. Magnus. He is super cool and totally chill. Apparently, he is looking for a roommate too. Here, I got you a flyer!” he took out a crumpled piece of paper from his back pocket. What kind of a person makes flyers to find a roommate these days? Has this man never heard of the internet? He took the flyer from Simon praying it wasn’t another weirdo.

**Are You My Next Roommate?**

**I am currently on a quest looking for the perfect roommate as my friends are under the impression that I need to surround myself with more humans and fewer cats.**

**I live in Brooklyn with my cat – That is all you need to know. All further questions will be answered during the interview. Yes, there is an interview – which you need to pass in order to win the quest.**

**If interested please respond to ragnoristheworst@gmail.com**

**P.S. Ragnor, if you are reading this, you are the WORST.**

**Possibly your future roommate,**  
**Magnus Bane.**

Alec didn’t know what to think. If the message on the flyer wasn’t odd enough, the exuberant use of glitter was definitely concerning. “So, what do you think? He has a cat, which has two more legs than you do. Sure you can handle that?” Simon asked which earned him another whack on the head with Alec’s pillow. He thought about it for a while. Maybe there aren’t any quirk-less people in New York. Maybe he is just being picky. Maybe if he keeps rejecting everyone he would have no choice but to move in with the Frisbee Guy. So he decided to email Magnus Bane asking for a time for the interview. Simon seemed to be bubbling with excitement and said they should prep for the interview. Alec asked him to kindly fuck off. He was getting ready for bed - and by bed he meant the couch - when Simon came out of his room to say good night. He awkwardly lingered for a while which usually meant he was going to say something dumb. “Hey, Alec? The reason you are rejecting all these apartments is not because you are in love with me, right?” he asks before sprinting to his room to avoid getting whacked by Alec’s pillow again. Alec quickly logs into his Amazon account through his phone, orders 20 rubber ducks, and goes to sleep praying this Magnus Bane person is not another weirdo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?
> 
> Find me on tumblr @khaleesiofalicante
> 
> Fun fact: The sulforaphane that gives Brussels sprouts their unique flavor also helps lower cancer risks.


	2. Cassiopeia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone who has had the pleasure of meeting Magnus knows he is a loquacious guy. He has only ever been struck speechless thrice in his life – When Snape killed Dumbledore, when he found out Ragnor knew the lyrics to ‘Shake it Off’ and when he met Alec Lightwood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy reading :)

There are four kinds of friends in every group. First, the one who comes up with all the awesome plans. Magnus had claimed this position immediately after they formed their little coven. There was hardly any competition considering who his friends were. Of course, sometimes or rather most of the time – alright fine – every single time, his brilliant ideas were misinterpreted as ‘foolish, impulsive and bonkers’. Magnus usually let that slide because at the end of the day, they all have a good time. He certainly hoped so considering he generally passes the fuck out before they reach the end of their adventures.

Then there was the friend who publicly disapproves of the plan but would secretly support it because they were a daredevil too. Catarina Loss, was without doubt, ‘that’ bitch of the group and Magnus loved her for it. Whenever he suggests a marvelous idea, he was usually met with a tired and chastising ‘No, Magnus!’ However, despite her objections, she never really made an effort to actually stop him. Of course, there was this whole thing with the Beyoncé Cult which Catarina wasn’t very happy about but Magnus believed in letting bygones be bygones.

Ragnor Fell was the member who complains about the plan the entire time but would still be there during its execution to ensure nobody dies. He was commonly referred to as the ‘Mom Friend’ of the group. Although it was clear he didn’t appreciate the nickname, he couldn’t really deny it either, as Ragnor was indeed the ‘Mom Friend’ of the group. He was also the one who gave the best advice, but Magnus would take that piece of information to his grave. He could not let that old grouch know Magnus actually respected his counsel.

The most dangerous person in any group is the one who never says anything, but stays back and silently allows the chaos to unfold, purely for the satisfaction of saying ‘I told you so’ later. Raphael never really participated in any of Magnus’ extraordinary plans. But he was always present with the quiet judgment and the occasional eye-roll. Sometimes, he would even take a picture or two so he can blackmail Magnus later. Although he had a resigned attitude, if someone wanted to hurt the other three, they had to go through Raphael Santiago first.

Magnus was going through this whole analysis to come to one conclusion - His friends have finally gone insane. It was either that or his entire friend group was replaced by three deranged lunatics. Since this time - for the first time ever actually - it wasn’t Magnus who came up a ridiculous idea. It was quite uncharacteristic for all four of them.  It was Ragnor who first suggested that Magnus should look for a roommate. Catarina was immediately taken with the idea and started rearranging his loft to make space for a random stranger. And Raphael, that backstabbing asshole, had conveniently decided it was finally a good time to contribute to group decisions and helped the other two.

Of course, Magnus understood where they were all coming from. Camille did a real number on him and his friends were just concerned that he might not be safe or happy on his own. But he really didn’t understand how sharing his home with a complete stranger is going to help. Although it has almost been a year, not only did he find it more difficult to trust people after what happened with Camille, he was also skeptical about welcoming some outsider into his home, his safe space. But despite this crazy plan, he trusted his friends and believed everything they did was in his best interest. Long story short, his treacherous but well-meaning friends were the reason why he was waiting for this Alec Lightwood person on a Saturday morning. Regardless of Sydney's slightly over-enthusiastic referral, Magnus wasn't sure if this would work out or not.

“Magnus! Are you even listening to me?” the voice at the other end of the phone asked.

“Yes, biscuit. You were saying something about how Ragnor was something something. Honestly, I stopped listening after you mentioned that Brutus bastard.” Not only had Ragnor come up with this horrible plan but had also nicely left Magnus to deal with it all on his own, buggering off to London for his sabbatical. The worst part was that he took Catarina with him! Now Magnus was left to deal with Raphael’s brooding all on his own for the next few months.

“You should seriously cheer up. Who knows? Maybe this new roommate might even be your soulmate!”, she replied. Of course Clary would think that. She watches too many movies for her own good and Magnus only had Steven to blame.

“This is real life, biscuit! Not a Netflix rom-com! Speaking of, we need to hang out soon and watch the new one with Ali Wong. I heard it’s fabulous!” he said. Alright fine, sue him. He was a sucker for rom-coms too.

Clary correctly - and annoyingly - realised he was trying to change the subject and started reassuring him that it was all going to turn out okay. But Magnus couldn’t help but think whether this Alec Lightwood guy was also another weirdo. His email was better than all the other ones Magnus had received in response to his flyer. There were no annoying abbreviations, racist jokes, cat puns or dick pics. Sometimes he worries about the people of New York. Alec’s response sounded formal, polite and to the point, which could mean that this guy isn’t really friendly or a conversationalist. But after hanging out with Raphael for the last two weeks, this was certainly an upgrade.

“I swear on Beyoncé biscuit. If this guy is another weirdo, I am moving to Peru with Chairman,” Magnus stated firmly. Finding a compatible roommate in New York was like unicorn hunting. He has been searching for the right person for weeks. No one was decent enough for Magnus and that was really saying something.

“First of all, you are not allowed in Peru. So, stop trying to sneak in! Also, it’s going to be fine. I have a good feeling about this,” Clary replied. Magnus couldn’t help but laugh at that. “That’s what you said about the final season of Game of Thrones and look what happened,” he reminded her. He was going to get into a heavy discussion about the writing of the final season when the doorbell went off. It was 10 o’clock on the dot. Well, at least this guy was punctual. Magnus buzzed him in through the main gate and sauntered towards the front door to open it. Meanwhile Clary was ranting something about how Jaime Lannister and Brienne of Tarth are soulmates. For a long time, Magnus genuinely believed that Camille was his soulmate, his one true love, his forever but then she had– _No. Fuck Camille and fuck soulmates -_ They were both overrated. He must impart this wisdom to Clary to make sure she doesn’t make the same mistakes.

“Soul mates are overrated, biscuit. Also, I don’t think I could find my soulmate if I searched the whole wide WHOA!”

Everyone who has had the pleasure of meeting Magnus knows he is a loquacious guy. He has only ever been struck speechless thrice in his life – When Snape killed Dumbledore, when he found out Ragnor knew the lyrics to ‘Shake it Off’ and when he met Alec Lightwood.

The man was unbelievably handsome with his raven hair and cobalt blue eyes. And goodness he was tall! Not taller than Magnus of course, but anyone hardly ever was. He had met many handsome men during his travels and adventures, but none like Alec Lightwood. There was something about him that made Magnus feel…He couldn’t really figure out what exactly that feeling was or put a word on it – but he definitely felt something. At that moment, Magnus realized three things. First of all, it has only been two minutes since he saw his guy. So, he seriously has to get his shit together. Second of all, he has been staring at this guy for _two_ minutes! And finally, this guy might not even be Alec Lightwood. For all he knows, he has been gawking at some poor customer sales rep who was trying to sell waffle irons or something. Just as he was about to ask the man who he was, Alec or the random waffle iron guy interrupted him.

“Are you the guy looking for a mate? Shit. I mean, are you looking for a room? Fuck. Are you looking for a roommate?” Alec asked, his face red and flustered. Good thing the loft was air-conditioned because if this guy couldn't handle the heat in October, he was not going to survive New York during summer.

Although Alec was a stuttering mess, his voice sounded like a thousand angels singing Beyoncé’s…

_Get.Your.Shit.Together.Magnus._

He finally gathered himself and remembered his manners. “Yes. I am Magnus. Please, do come in.” He has only uttered eight words so far into their conversation and he was already running out of things to say. Anyone who considered themselves loquacious clearly hasn’t met Alec Lightwood. Thankfully, an angel decided to save the day and his pride.

“Magnus, are you there? You okay? Maaagnusssss! I’m calling Simon!” Alec was looking around the loft; mostly he was admiring the Persian carpets on the floor. Magnus was pleased that the guy had good taste.

“Sorry, biscuit. My next appointment is here. I gotta go. I’ll call you later about movie night, okay? Sayonara!” He ended the call before she could respond. He would apologize and compensate for his rude behavior on Monday at work with coffee and cupcakes. Right now, he had more important things to handle.

“Have a seat, Alec,” Magnus gestured at the love seat.

“Your place is, um, nice,” Alec gestured vaguely around the living room.

“Oh, I certainly hope so. You are going to be living here too.” Holy shit, he is going to be living here! This man. In his home. Wow. Maybe god was real after all.

“Uh, don’t I have to complete the, um, quest first?” Alec asked, rubbing his sweaty palms on his knees. Magnus had already forgotten about the stupid quest. Fuck! Why did he have to be so fucking extra sometimes? But that’s when it hit him. Alec was here looking for a place to live and Magnus was looking for a roommate, not a boyfriend. Although Alec was ridiculously good-looking, Magnus still had to make sure they were compatible enough to share a home. Mostly importantly, Alec might not even be gay. Magnus needed to take a step back and calm the fuck down. After all, his headstrong feelings were what got him into trouble last time. This time, he had to do better.

“Ah, yes. The interview. I have a few questions – just to get the sense if we are compatible enough to be roommates. Why don’t you start by telling me what you do for a living?” See? He has totally got this!

“I am an investigative journalist. I work for The Institute. I don’t know if you have heard about us,”, Alec replied. Magnus has indeed heard about The Institute. It was one of the leading magazines in New York and had actually interviewed him a couple of months ago for a feature piece. What’s more, Clary’s best friend works there too. Now that he thinks about it, Shaun had actually mentioned that Alec was his colleague. _Great, you have already given the impression that you have the memory of a goldfish. Alright, damage control!_

“Of course, I have. That’s very impressive, Alec. Stanely actually told me that you worked together but I wasn’t sure whether you were also in the graphics division or not. I had to clarify.  I actually work in fashion. I run my own company. We design and produce sustainable clothing,” Magnus provided. He was quite proud of what he has achieved with ‘Red Scrolls’ over the last five years. The little boutique store he created all on his own has now become one of the most famous  fashion brands among America’s elite thanks to his brilliant designs and amazing crew.

“Yeah, I don’t know much about fashion. It’s not really my thing,” Alec admitted. Magnus didn’t need to be told twice. Alec was dressed in black jeans and a black sweater, his hair was messy and his left sneaker had a hole in it. He looked perfect. _Stop that!_

“I think I know enough about fashion for the both of us or maybe the entire building,” Magnus chuckled. “Alright, next question. What do you usually do on weekends?”

 “I like to stay at home and read. I usually don’t go out a lot but sometimes I hang out with my siblings during the weekends,” Alec replied after thinking about it for a while.

“That’s wonderful. I don’t have siblings myself, which is a good thing considering I am a bit of an attention hoarder.  What do they do?” Magnus asked, genuinely curious. He might have a good feeling about Alec but he couldn’t say the same about his siblings, at least not until he has enough information to come to that conclusion.

“Jace is actually an athlete. He does track. He is always out training for some tournament or other. He is really good though. Izzy is still in college. She is doing a degree in molecular biology. She is the best. And Ma-,” Alec stopped abruptly, forgetting whatever he was going to say about his sister. He actually looked like he was going to be sick.

“Are you okay?” Magnus asked. He really didn’t look okay. From the way he spoke, Magnus had assumed Alec had a good relationship with his siblings. He was definitely the eldest in the family and seemed like he cared about his younger siblings a lot. But now Magnus wasn’t sure. Maybe they weren’t that close? Maybe they had bad blood? Maybe that’s why Alec was looking for a new place to stay?

“Yeah, I am fine. Sorry, I just…”

“It’s fine, Alec. Don’t worry about it. Maybe we should continue this another time?” He didn’t want Alec to leave yet but decided it was probably for the best.

“No, I am good. Ask the next question,” Alec insisted. So, Magnus did.

After 2 hours and 37 questions later, apart from realizing that they are two completely different personalities, Magnus had gathered some important details about Alec.

  * He was responsible, conscientious and reliable. So, Magnus believed their roommate arrangement might actually work out.
  * He was kind and respectful. Unfortunately, these qualities that were no longer a given these days.
  * He was smart and quick-witted. Even if he had a reserved nature and eloquence wasn’t his strong suit.
  * He talked a lot about working out - especially with his brother. Magnus definitely didn’t have a problem with that.
  * He still wasn’t sure whether Alec like guys. He didn’t mention a boyfriend or a girlfriend. But that was irrelevant anyway because Magnus was not going to date Alec. He was NOT.



“Okay. One last question – How do we feel about cats?” This was a deal breaker. He didn’t care how beautiful this man’s eyes were. It was absolutely essential that Chairman Meow got the respect he deserved. They have been together through thick and thin. If this guy doesn’t like cats then he can fuck off to whatever Bachelor episode he popped out of.

“I’m okay with them. I mean, I don’t have allergies or anything,” Alec shrugged.

That’s it? He was ‘okay’ with them?

Well, Magnus supposed that was a satisfactory response. After all, not everyone was crazy about cats. Also, Chairman could be a bit of a pompous ass sometimes. So, he guessed Alec’s indifference might be a welcome change in their loft. From some corner of the world, he could hear John Mulaney screaming “ _You have the moral backbone of a chocolate éclair_!”

“Well, welcome to your new home, Alec! I'll email you the contract later today. Also, if you have more questions to ask, there is plenty of time later,” Magnus reminded him, considering he didn’t reveal much about himself during their two hour conversation. He is usually careful about revealing private details of himself, especially to strangers, considering his celebrity status in the industry.

“So, can I like…move in?” Alec asked. He sounded genuinely surprised, like he was expecting Magnus to say he had failed the quest.

“Yes, you can like…move in,” Magnus replied, “Actually if you have the time, you are welcome to move in tomorrow. Your room is ready.”

He hadn’t decorated the spare room since he thought it might be invasive. Alec had appreciated that considering their styles were not exactly the same. Although his new roommate didn’t share his enthusiasm for Feng Shui, he didn’t criticize it either. He was content with the way Magnus runs the house and seemed like a guy who will be very easy to live with.

“That would be great. I am usually free on Sundays. So, I can do that. Thank you,” Alec responded with obvious relief. Magnus gave him his contact details, the key to the loft before walking him out and saying goodbye. He was on his way back to the loft, contemplating on whether to tell Ragnor that for once that foul fiend had made a good call, when he suddenly realized what he had done.

Alec was already on his way down in the elevator so Magnus had to take the stairs. By the time he caught up with him near the front gate, his legs were screaming at him for being such a dumbass. Alec looked confused and Magnus could see panic – and something that looked like disappointment – fill his eyes.

“Alec, I am so sorry. I made a mistake. I need the key back,” Magnus huffed out breathlessly.

“It’s fine, Magnus. I was actually surprised that you wanted me to be your roommate. We are not exactly...compatible. Also, I know you have reduced the rent because of Simon or for some other reason. I don’t think I can afford the real rate anyway. It’s alright if you changed your mind. I completely understand,” Alec explained. Although he said he was okay, he really didn’t look like it.

All Magnus could think was ‘ _You handsome fool! Why wouldn’t I want to live with you?_ ’ But instead, he decided to immediately clear the misunderstanding because he didn’t want Alec to think for one more second that he wasn’t good enough to be his roommate.

“No! No! That is not why I…Why would you…I haven’t changed my mind. I don’t have a problem with you being my roommate and please don’t feel bad about the rent. I own the building. So, it’s not a problem,” Magnus said in a rush. Alec was shocked by that revelation but quickly composed himself.

“Then why did you ask for the key back?” he asked, his voice soft and confused.

“Um, that’s…that’s actually my key. I didn’t expect to find a roommate today. So, I didn’t get another one cut. So, uh, that’s not a spare key. It’s mine. I, um, need it to get back inside the loft,” Magnus lamely explained.

The laughter he got in response was worth the embarrassment and the minor cramp in his left calf. Alec’s laughter was so full, so carefree and so genuine.

Magnus was royally fucked.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Come find me on tumblr @khaleesiofalicante
> 
> Fun fact: Amazon, the longest river in the world, starts in Peru.


	3. Orion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I don’t watch this dumb show but I like Jon Summer because his face looks super cute when he broods and while we are at it I also think your face looks super cute when I call your favorite show dumb."
> 
> Alec likes the loft. Alec likes Magnus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy reading :)

* * *

“ _How to tell your super-hot roommate that you are very gay for him?_ ”

Alec was going through the search results of his ridiculous question when he heard the front door open. This usually meant that Magnus was home after his morning run. Alec now knows that during the weekend, Magnus works out at the park near his loft in the morning. He learned this interesting piece of information when he walked into Magnus right after he had finished his run last Saturday. The man – Alec shits you not – was glistening. He was wearing a black tank top and slightly tight yoga pants. His stylish black hair was messed up from the wind – at least Alec seriously hoped so. His bare arms – and goodness Alec could write an article about how those arms were lethal for human eyes – were covered in little drops of sweat. He looked utterly and immaculately beautiful.

_Enough!_

It has been two weeks since he moved in and he still hasn’t had a chance to tell Magnus that he is gay. How exactly does one divulge this kind of information to their roommate?

_Magnus, you have to stop wearing those leather pants to work! It’s got to be illegal to look that hot!!_

_Magnus, I should be the one charging rent cause you spend way too much time in my mind!_

_Magnus, did you know that butterflies taste with their feet? Did you also know that I am gay?_

_Magnus, I ordered pizza. I hope the delivery guy is cute because I am attracted to men._

Izzy had always called him a 'chaotic gay disaster' and Alec finally understood why. Alec thought Magnus would have figured it out too considering he had been a stuttering mess the first time they had met.

“Are you the guy looking for a mate?” he had asked him. Chaotic gay disaster indeed.

Of course, the reason Magnus might think Alec is straight could have something to do with the ‘Emilia Clarke Incident’. Last week, Magnus had invited Alec to have dinner, probably to be polite. Magnus had dominated the conversation while they had Indian food, with Alec making a comment here and there. He was not used to talking while having dinner – a messed up habit he had his parents to thank for.

Anyhow, Magnus was blabbering something about Game of Thrones and suddenly had asked Alec who his favorite character was.

Now Alec has never seen a single episode of Game of Thrones. It wasn’t really his cup of tea. Of course, he has seen bits and pieces with his brother and had come to like this curly haired, eternally-brooding character called Jon Summer or something. But instead of telling Magnus that, for some reason – probably because he was a fucking chaotic gay disaster – he had told him that he liked the ‘Dragon Lady’.

Magnus had pouted at the name and went on to discuss her character arc. “I just didn’t see that coming, Alec. Did you?” he had asked, his mouth full of food. He looked adorable.

_Hey, I told you to stop that!_

Alec thought it was best to be honest and had replied “I don’t really watch the show. It’s kinda dumb. So, I have no clue what you are talking about.”

And that’s when it happened.

“Then how come Emilia Clarke, I mean the ‘Dragon Lady’ is your favorite?

“I don’t know. I just think she is mega hot.”

“Mega hot?”

“Yeah. She has um, nice tits.”

Who in the ever-loving fuck uses phrases like ‘ _Mega-hot_ ’ and ‘ _Nice tits_ ’? Alec knew exactly whom he had learned those ridiculous heterosexual habits from. But it wasn’t Jace’s fault that he had decided to make a complete fool of himself in front of his new roommate.

He should have just said " _I don’t watch this dumb show but I like Jon Summer because his face  looks super cute when he broods and while we are at it, I also think your face looks super cute when I call your favorite show dumb._ "

However, Magnus hadn’t said anything. He had just made a noncommittal ‘hmmm’ and they had gone back to eating their Indian takeout in silence.

On top of all this, he didn’t have any confirmation on whether Magnus liked men or not. Alec was pretty confident that no straight man would have Magnus’ impeccable sense of style, but he didn’t want to assume. What if Magnus wasn’t into men? Or worse, what if he was homophobic? Alec had learned the hard way that expecting acceptance from everyone is only going to leave you hurt and disappointed.

Of course, it was crystal clear that Magnus was attracted to women. He had vaguely mentioned something about an ex-girlfriend moving out when Alec had asked why he was suddenly looking for a roommate. His response didn’t make any sense since Magnus didn’t really need someone to help pay rent and he owned the fucking building. Although he was definitely interested in probing Magnus in another way – _Seriously, stop!_ \- he respected his roommate’s privacy and therefore hadn’t probed him with any follow up questions.

It has been 30 minutes since Magnus had returned from his run. Alec decided it was safe to leave his room without having to run into Magnus and his _I-just-worked-out-but-i-still-look-divine_ look. He took his phone and keys, smiling at the memory of the key incident that had happened when they first met, left the loft to meet his siblings.

Magnus didn’t have a coffee machine in the loft since he believed caffeine would be too much for his system. So, Alec had found a small coffee shop near the building where he could get his daily dose of caffeine when he walked to and from work. Of course, he could just buy a coffee machine for himself, but he didn’t know whether it was okay for him to do that. It was still Magnus’s home and from what he had gathered, his roommate had a particularly way of running the house and Alec didn’t want to impose. He still couldn’t believe that he was living in a loft of this size and magnificence – and for such a low rate! Only a crazy person would rent a loft of this scale for such a low price in Brooklyn. But then again it wasn’t like Magnus needed the money. Yet why would anyone want to live with a random stran-

_You said you would leave it alone, dumbass!_

He had the habit of looking into things he wasn’t supposed to be looking at – an occupational hazard he assumed. But he was going to leave Magnus’s crazy real estate endeavors alone. If a super hot guy wanted to share a super cool loft for a super low price, Alec wasn’t going to be the one to complain. He wasn’t that much of an idiot.

By the time he had got to _Taki’s_ , where he was now a beloved patron thanks to his coffee addiction, his siblings were already there, huddled in a corner. They were hunched over Izzy’s phone, giggling and pointing at whatever – or most likely whoever – they were stalking. Alec wondered which poor soul was the target of their amusement and boredom today.

“Oh my god, Alec! You didn’t tell me you are living with _The Magnus Bane_ ”, Izzy squealed when she noticed him walking over to them. Of course, Izzy knows who Magnus is. They were probably the only two people in the world who cared that much about fashion.

This was not going to end well. Izzy was already over-involved in his personal life – or rather the lack of it. She constantly tried to set him up with guys, even back when he was still in the closet. Alec didn’t really mind her interference considering he was never really interested in those men. But Magnus – this was a different story. Not only did he like Magnus – a lot – but he also shared a home with him. So, he couldn’t risk her getting involved this time.

“Sorry, Izzy. Not this time,” he said as he confiscated her phone. They had been stalking Magnus on Instagram and were currently looking at a picture of his roommate on a hot air balloon. Magnus looked stunning – and shirtless.

_Have some control over your dick, you dick!_

“Hey, do you know who the red-haired chick is?” Jace grabbed the phone from him, started scrolling until he found what he was looking for and shoved the phone in Alec’s face. It was a picture of Magnus and a petite, red-haired girl whom Alec recalled as Simon’s best friend Clary. They were both at Disneyland. Magnus was wearing a Mickey Mouse Alice band and Clary was wearing a pirate hat. She was pointing her pirate sword at Magnus, who was sporting a dramatic look of surprise. The caption read ‘ _Save me! I have been captured by the evil Captain Biscuit_ ’. Alec quickly scanned the comments to see if he can figure out what their deal was.

 **simonsolo** Yall look cute <3

 **kittycat** You two went to Disneyland without me :( #LondonSucks

 **baneofmylife** Revenge is a dish best served cold (and in Disneyland) :P

 **yerawizardclary** @kittycat next time, babe :)

 **losethisaccount** @yerawizardclary Push him off the Incredicoaster. Please and thank you.

 **baneofmylife** @losethisaccount How do YOU know about the Incredicoaster? Care to share?

 **simonsolo** :o :o :o

 **kittycat**  I thought it was one fake bitch in this house but there is two. 

Alec couldn’t figure out whether they were dating or not, but he could certainly gather that Magnus had many friends and was deeply care for - a thought that warmed his heart. He hasn’t known his roommate for long but he has come to realize that Magnus was more than just a man who looks amazing in whatever he wears. He briefly considered that Magnus would look amazing when he wasn’t wearing anything too.

_Oh my god, you have to stop!_

The point is that he was kind, funny, smart and so full of life that living with Magnus made Alec think that sometimes his life was okay. And that’s all Alec ever wanted, for his life to be okay.

“Stop ogling your roommate and answer my question. Do you know who the hot chick is?” Jace asked again. Even if Magnus wasn’t dating Clary, he wasn’t going to set Jace up with her. Given his brother’s record, things definitely wouldn’t go well and he didn’t want to get on Magnus’s bad side.

“I don’t know, Jace. Maybe they are dating,” Alec tried to act all nonchalant but even to his own ears he sounded a bit jealous. So, what if Magnus was dating her? It wasn’t like Alec was going to ask him or anything.

_You wish you could ask him out._

“How do you know Magnus is my roommate anyway?” he asked although he knew the answer to the question.

“Simon,” Izzy said. While he was thinking of ways to make Simon pay on Monday, the waitress brought their food. Alec changed the subject and asked Izzy about university. They chatted for a while about how depressing exams are and how rude track coaches can be until Izzy randomly declared, “You should ask him out.” Alec should nip this in the bud before she decides to take things to her own hands as she often did.

“Izzy, I want you to listen very carefully. I am not interested in Magnus. I am not going to ask him out. He is just my roommate. So, there will be no secret plans to set us up behind my back. Do you understand me?” Alec spoke very slowly, enunciating every single word to make sure she gets the message. Thank god he did because naturally her immediate response was a loud and offended “why the hell not?”

Alec never tried dating because he had known that it would end up in a complete disaster. He knew he wouldn’t be allowed to hang out with his boyfriend whenever he wanted. He knew he can’t take him out to any public place. He knew he couldn’t introduce him to his family. He knew that they would have to keep their relationship to themselves. And nobody deserved that. Nobody deserves to be treated like a dirty secret. So, Alec didn’t date anyone.

But now, maybe he could. Clearly his parents no longer cared about what he did or where he was. They haven’t called him once to check what happened to him after he had left – got kicked out of – home. Now that things were different, maybe Alec could give dating a try. But certainly not with Magnus because the last thing he wanted was to get kicked out again.

“Because I am living at his place, Izzy! It’s his home. If things go south, you know it would be too awkward for us to live in the same place. Not that anything is ever going to happen between the two of us. Listen, I know you mean well. But for the first time in my life, I am living in a place where I can be myself. A place where I will not be judged or discriminated for who I am. I can’t afford to lose that. So, please. Just drop it, okay?” He didn’t mean to sound so harsh but the words were true and so were his feelings. His sister looked at him for a moment and then hugged him tight. Alec knew she understood his situation and decided to step back.

“It’s just that…He is SO FUCKING HOT!” she whined as she pulled back.

“Isabelle!” Alec chastised her. He knew how hot his roommate was and didn’t need a reminder to make things any harder.

 Speaking of things getting hard, Alec’s mind briefly took a trip to last Wednesday night when he was working late on a piece in the living room and Magnus had come running out of his bedroom in a towel chasing his cat. “I swear to god, this cat is from hell!” he announced, “Apologize for disturbing Alec, Chariman!” The cat had looked at him suspiciously as if he knew that Alec didn’t mind the intrusion one bit. Then his roommate had sauntered back to his room, leaving Alec to continue his work. After seeing Magnus in nothing but a towel, Alec actually had to take a few minutes to calm things ‘down’.

_I swear to god…_

“So, are you going to invite us to your new place or what?” Jace inquired, while gulping down his personalized protein shake.

“Not happening. So, stop asking,” he replied. They had already asked him about it last week. Of course, Alec wanted to hang out with his siblings at Magnus’. But he didn’t want to be an inconvenience. Magnus’s loft looked good enough to be featured in one of those fancy real estate magazines his mom likes to read. Magnus not only maintains his house in a pristine state, but he also likes to decorate it with insanely expensive ornaments and furniture. He didn’t even want to think about Magnus’ fancy laundry machine. It seemed so…fancy and unnecessarily complicated. It probably costs Alec’s annual income and Magnus would definitely kill him if Alec breaks it.

While Alec could never comprehend why anyone would spend $5000 dollars on a candle holder that they barely – or never – use, he knew not to play around with it. Unfortunately he couldn’t expect the same decorum from his siblings – especially Jace. Most importantly, he knew once his siblings learned where he lives, they would start visiting him or just ‘hang out’ at the loft all the time. He didn’t want Magnus to feel like his home was getting invaded by a bunch of strangers. He explained the situation to them hoping they would understand. Miraculously, both Jace and Izzy decided to leave him alone. Alec had a feeling that they want him to be happy where he lives, something he didn’t have for a very long time. The three of them hung out all afternoon at the coffee shop until Alec had to get back since he had an article to finish up. He promised to meet Jace tomorrow at the gym and hugged Izzy goodbye.

“I know you don’t ‘like him like him’ but if you are ever looking for eye candy, you should check out his Instagram cause mama that man is sex on a stick!” she said, giving it one last shot.

This was no news to Alec considering Magnus was the definition of eye candy. At the risk of being labeled a creep, Alec had come to realize that he would watch Magnus blabber about Game of Thrones for hours if he could. His lips would do this little pout whenever Alec described a character as ‘ _the short one_ ’ or ‘ _the zombie dude_ ’. Once Alec purposely called Arya Stark – who happened to be Jace’s favorite – ‘ _little stabby girl_ ’ just so he could see that little pout on Magnus’s lips. When Magnus had pouted, he wanted nothing but to kiss it and-

_You are on thin fucking ice, Lightwood._

“I am not gonna do that, Izzy. Besides I am not even on Instagram,” reminded her.

“For an investigative journalist, you sure don’t seem to be interested in investigating,” she chastised before she ran to catch up with Jace.

“Investigating and stalking are two different things!” he shouted after Izzy as she pretended not to hear him.

He picked up another coffee since he knew he would definitely need more caffeine to finish up his research when he got back. By the time Alec reached the loft, Magnus was sitting with his cat on the gigantic couch - which was big enough to fit all twelve apostles AND jesus.

“Hey! Where were you all afternoon?” Magnus asked, there was something odd in his voice, like he didn’t really want to know the answer to his question.

“I  was hanging out with my siblings. We usually spend the weekend together,” he reminded Magnus. He had already told him about his not-so-exciting weekend plans during the interview and thought his roommate would actually appreciate it since Alec going out meant that Magnus could have the loft all to himself to do whatever he does during the weekend.

Magnus looked like he wasn’t satisfied with Alec's response. He gently placed the cat on the floor and shifted in his seat. “Alec, could I talk to you for a moment?” he asked, his voice hesitant.

Ah, the fuckening is here.

Alec knew this wasn’t going to last. Nothing ever did – especially if it was something that made him happy. This was exactly like the time his parents let him do archery in school and asked him to stop after a few months because his father wanted him to join the football team instead. Alec really enjoyed his time at the archery range. It was different from football – it was quieter, more focused and completely under his control. For Alec, football was the exact opposite. It was too loud; there were too many things to focus on; and nothing was under his control. It was Jace’s thing, not his. Archery was something that made him feel at ease. When they took it away from him, he felt like a fool. Of course, they would take it away from him. Why was he even stupid enough to think his life would let him have one thing that made him happy? Ever since, he would never get excited or genuinely happy when something good happened because he knew good things don’t last – at least not for Alec Lightwood. So, when Magnus said he wanted to talk, he wasn’t surprised at all. Living with Magnus was the best Alec has felt since Max’s…‘incident’. Of course, this was going to be taken away.

“What’s up?” he asked casually, as he sat opposite Magnus, like his heart wasn’t breaking when he realized he probably won’t get to share this ridiculously large couch with Magnus again. He kept staring at the fancy carpet thing since he didn’t want to make eye contact.

“Well, actually, there are a few things that I would like to, um, address,” Magnus was fidgeting on his cushion. He was clearly nervous, which wasn’t like Magnus at all.

“Magnus, what is it? You don’t have to be nervous,” Alec reassured him because he didn’t want to be the reason why Magnus was feeling uneasy and awkward. Also he wanted to get this over with so he can go to his room and cry in that amazing shower about how much his life sucked.

“Okay. I just…Do you not like the loft?” Magnus asked suddenly.

Magnus couldn’t have asked anything more ridiculous than that. The loft was the best place he has lived in or ever been to – and that was saying a lot considering that he was a Lightwood and therefore had grown up with his fair share of luxuries.

“What? Why would you ask that? I love the loft!” he exclaimed hoping Magnus could hear the disbelief in his voice.

“Alright. Then…do you not like me?” Magnus asked after a moment.

Okay. This question was definitely more ridiculous than the first one.

“Magnus, of course I like you,” he responded instantly. _I like you a lot. I like you so much that it hurts to know you think I don’t like you._

“Why would you think that way? Have I…Did I do something wrong?” he asked when Magnus was quiet. Fuck, what if he did do something wrong? He had been so fucking careful over the last two weeks to make sure he doesn’t offend Magnus or anger him. He mostly kept to his room unless Magnus invited him to have dinner or watch a movie when the other man was probably feeling bored or alone.

“Well…It’s just…Okay there are a few things. One, you don’t use any of the appliances or items in the loft. I noticed you even do your laundry elsewhere. I can see that you buy your coffee from outside too. Two, when you are home, you don’t spend time anywhere else other than your room. I don’t think you even know there is a terrace in this place. You only use the living room after I go to sleep. I've noticed. Three, I know we both have busy schedules but you don’t want to hang out with me at all. I mean, you are not required to. But I thought it would be nice to get to know each other considering we both live here. And Four, it’s been two weeks since you have moved in and you haven’t invited any family or friends over. You always meet your siblings outside. It’s like you are embarrassed that you live here,” Magnus said, “I don’t know if this is all because you don’t like the loft or you don’t like…me.” His roommate was looking at the carpet thing too. But Alec could still see his face and he noticed the frustration in his golden-green eyes.

Wait a minute. Was Magnus...hurt? Alec was doing everything he can to make sure Magnus feels the exact opposite of that and yet, here they were.

_Well done! You keep outdoing yourself._

“Magnus. No. I just…I would never…Okay. One, I… I, um, don’t really know how to use most of the appliances in the loft. The laundry machine gives me the creeps because it has so many buttons and I am scared if I try to use it, I’ll probably break it. I buy my coffee from Taki’s since you don’t have a machine here and I don’t want to buy stuff that you won’t use cause it’s not my house. Two, I just prefer to stay in my room because I don’t want to bother you. You should be able to live in your home without me hovering all the time. Three, I didn’t think you would want to hang out with me and I didn’t want to be a burden. I know we are roommates but please don’t feel obligated to spend time with me. And four, Magnus, this is YOUR loft. I can’t bring whoever I want and interrupt your day. I…I just want you to know that this is the best place I have ever lived in and I am most certainly not embarrassed about it. I like the loft and I like you,” he explained.

_Holy shit._

That’s the most he has talked to his roommate since he moved into the loft. The frustration in his beautiful, unique eyes were replaced with surprise and warmth.

“Alexander,” he says and Alec stops breathing at the sound of his full name from that beautiful man’s lips, “you are not a guest here. The loft is your home too.”

“You can do whatever you want and hang out with whoever you want. I will not be offended, I promise. I genuinely enjoy spending time with you. So, don’t ever feel like you are being a burden. This loft has been my safe space for so long. Whenever I come home from work or just hang out with The Chairman, I always feel so happy, comfortable and safe. I want you to feel the same way too,” Magnus said earnestly, his voice nothing but sincere.

“I…okay,” he replied because he doesn’t know what else to say. Here he was thinking Magnus was going to kick him out when his roommate actually just wanted him to feel at home.

“Also, at the risk of sounding too forward, I was wondering if we could throw a small…um, gathering for your family? Maybe a housewarming party of sorts?” Magnus asked. Alec didn’t want to get into his family drama with Magnus. So he just said that his parents are out of town but he could ask his siblings over for dinner next Friday.

“Oh, that’s wonderful. Would you mind if I invite Sheldon and Clary too?” Magnus asked, already excited about the prospect. Alec assumed he was talking about Simon and his…

“Is she your girlfriend?” he asked abruptly.

_What the fuck, Lightwood?_

Before he could apologize for crossing the line, Magnus intervened.

“Who, Clary? God, no! She works with me at ‘ _Red Scrolls_ ’. She is one of my finest designers. I have known her since she was a small girl – not that she is any bigger now,” he said, chuckling at his own joke.

“Oh okay,” Alec replied, hoping he didn’t sound too pleased.

“Alright. Let’s go.” Magnus said, holding out his hand.

“Go where?” Alec asked, although he wanted nothing more than to take Magnus’ hand and follow the other man wherever he took him.

“I am going to teach you how to use the creepy laundry machine,” Magnus said.

“Magnus, you don’t have to-” Alec tried to explain. He tried to tell him that he didn’t want to be a burd-

“Alexander, you have to stop thinking that you are being a burden to me. If you are, trust me I will let you know. Just ask my friend Ragnor,” Magnus interrupted. Alec didn’t know who this Ragnor person was but he was too caught up on the word ‘ _Alexander_ ’ to think about anything else.

“But what if I break it?” Alec asked because he was worried he probably will break it in the first try.

_Then he will kick you out, you useless idiot._

“Then we'll get it fixed. It’s a just a machine, Alexander. There are more important things in life,” Magnus replied, still holding his hand out.

For once, Alec shut down his thoughts. He shut down the thoughts that said Magnus was just trying to be nice. He said nothing and took the other man’s hand and followed him the laundry room. To his surprise, the laundry machine wasn’t as complicated as he thought.

In that laundry room, with that not-so-complicated laundry machine, a big pile of black clothes and Magnus, life was okay. 

That night, Alec created an Instagram account under the name _archerboy._ There was some important investigating he had to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?
> 
> Find me on tumblr @khaleesiofalicante
> 
> Fun fact: An average American spends $1,092 a year on coffee.


	4. Vela

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “For the record, I feel like this is a bad idea,” Clary said.
> 
> “Biscuit, all decisions made under the influence of alcohol are bad ideas,” Magnus replied. “Trust me, I would know.”
> 
> Meet and greets, Tequila & Throw pillows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What is sleep but a social construct?  
> \- Me
> 
> Happy reading :)

“Magnus! It’s a pleasure to finally meet you!” the dark haired girl roped him into a bone-crushing hug. While she definitely shared Alec’s features with her dark hair, sharp face and stunning body, Isabelle Lightwood was nothing like her brother. While Alec usually went for the Darth Vader look with his plain black clothes, his sister was definitely more a Princess Leia. Even if he wasn’t working in the industry, Magnus would definitely appreciate Isabelle’s fashion sense. She was wearing a short red lace dress paired with leather boots. The girl knew she was gorgeous and wasn’t afraid to flaunt it. As a fellow flaunter, of clothes and other things, Magnus approved. He also mentally reminded himself to stop hanging out with Samson – that boy was not a good influence with his never-ending pop culture references.

“Izzy, let him go. You are choking him!” Alec protested from the background.

“Oh, I don’t mind a bit of choking, Alexander,” he quipped as he winked at his roommate. He noticed that Alec’s cheeks were red for some reason. Didn’t he close the windows earlier that evening? Maybe he should increase thermostat a little bit.

“Ah, the infamous Magnus Bane!” the blond boy who followed Isabelle said. “You are shorter than I expected.”

“Still taller than you, blondie,” Magnus shot back. Magnus is 6’2 thank you very much and no one was going to insult his height in his home.

“Oh my god! Can you guys please stop? Didn’t I tell you to behave?” Alec sounded extremely frustrated.

“Only like 74 times. Calm down, bro. We are here to chill,” Isabelle said as she walked into the loft like she owned the place. Jace wasn’t much different either. He removed his leather jacket and threw it over the love seat with a sense of familiarity, like he has done it his entire life.

Meanwhile Alec who has been living here for almost a month was still having trouble accepting the loft has his own. Of course, after their little chat last week, things have improved significantly. He wish he knew what else to do to make him feel better.

_Well, you could do him?_

Magnus pushed the thought away. Now was not the time. He had guests to entertain. However, his guests were doing fine all on their own. Isabelle was exploring his magazine shelf and was flipping through what looked like the latest issue of Cosmo, whereas Jace was already in the kitchen, opening a bottle of beer from the fridge. Magnus didn’t mind their casual attitude one bit. At work, he is always treated with respect and caution. Regardless of how friendly and welcoming his attitude is, he has sensed some distance between him and his employees. He supposed it was a side effect of climbing the corporate ladder too fast. It made Magnus feel old, even if he was still in his late 20s just like most of his employees. So, Isabelle and – what was the blonde one’s name? – were more than welcome to treat Magnus like a friend they had known their entire lives.

But he couldn’t help but notice the striking difference between the siblings. Of course, he had deducted that Jace and Alec were not biologically related – not that Magnus particularly cared. Over the last week, he had gotten to know his roommate a little better and learned two things about Alec Lightwood.

First, he did not like talking about himself. Whenever Magnus asked a question directly about Alec – which were not personal but rather stupid curiosities – the other man had a tendency to dodge the question, change the topic or respond monosyllabically. Magnus didn’t know whether it was because he wasn’t very verbose or Alec didn’t trust Magnus enough to reveal personal details. He couldn’t help but feel as if Alec was hiding something from him. Whatever it was, he knew it was preventing Alec from freely talking to him and from accepting the loft as his own.

The other thing Magnus had learned was, despite his reserved nature, Alec loved talking about his job and his siblings. Those were the only two things he talked about to be honest. Magnus could understand that Alec was passionate about his work and truly enjoyed being an investigative journalist.

_That’s good. You have quite a few things for him to investigate._

Magnus chastised his subconscious for being the fucking worst. Between their talks during breakfasts and take outs, he had learned that Alec loved his siblings more than anything. His love for Isabelle, the smartest one in the family according to Alec, was equally strong as his protectiveness over Jace, who he said was a brave but reckless idiot with one brain cell and therefore had to be carefully monitored.

Even if they were not biologically related, how could the Lightwoods grow under the same roof and yet be so entirely different, Magnus wondered. As an only child, Magnus could not relate. Of course, he never knew what it meant to have a family or grow up with one. So, his thoughts on the matter were irrelevant.

But whenever Alec spoke of his siblings, with the enthusiasm and love, there was always something else. Magnus vaguely identified an emptiness in his tone sometimes. There was something in the way he spoke that suggested that a part of the story was missing. Something that stayed hidden underneath because it was too difficult to think or talk about. It was the tone Magnus adopted whenever he talked about Camille or his mother-

_Don’t go down that road, Bane._

Thankfully the loud ringing of the doorbell interrupted Magnus from his miserable thoughts. God, he needed a drink or twenty.

As soon as he opened the door, Clary barged in with Simon, carrying a bottle of wine. God bless their souls!

“Alec! It’s so nice to officially meet you. I am Clary - a friend of Simon’s and this beautiful man right here,” Clary said hugging Magnus tightly.

“You are too good for my ego, biscuit,” Magnus smiled, pressing a small kiss on her forehead.

Alec was shifting uncomfortably with the bottle of wine in his hands. “You didn’t have to bring anything. I didn’t ask my siblings.. So, you really didn’t have to,” he said, his voice filled with slight panic.

“We brought our fabulous selves. What’s a better gift than that?” the blonde boy asked, his voice dripping with confidence and superiority.

Once again, Magnus was astounded by how different Alec was compared to his siblings. 

"Alec, my dude! No wonder you haven’t paid a visit to The Shire. Look at the size of that couch! Damn! You can fit like 10 people in there. By the way, that was not a subtle hint for a group cuddle. But if anyone is interested I have no-"

“That’s enough from you,” Alec said, shutting Sherwin up by hitting him with one of the throw pillows on the couch.

Magnus was surprised when Stan dodged the hit considering he has the reflexes of a scarecrow. Maybe he was used to Alec hitting him with throw pillows. Maybe this was one of their things when they were roommates for a short period.

_Awww, is someone jealous?_

“Alright! Who wants to do cocktails?” Magnus asked quickly, before his thoughts spiralled out of control. After introductions, formalities, cocktails, pizzas and repeated requests for group cuddles, Sasha suggested they watch a movie.

Jace and Alec exchanged a look that said they were definitely not interested in whatever movie Sheldon was planning to watch. Clary looked like she knew exactly what movie Simon was going to suggest and was prepared to have his back like the amazing best friend that she is. Magnus was feeling slightly buzzed himself so he didn’t entirely mind watching a movie, especially if he could sit next to Alec and maybe cuddle him on the-

_Watch it!_

The deciding vote rested on Isabelle, who to his complete surprise, smiled at Simon and said they should go ahead and watch what he wanted. Simon smiled back at her shyly, silently conveying a thank you.

_Okay, what just happened?_

“Betrayed by my own blood!” Jace bellowed. He was definitely more than slightly buzzed considering he downed at least half a dozen beers.

For the next 15 minutes they discussed what movie they should watch. A war ensued between Isabelle and Jace, while the others just silently watched the free entertainment. Of course, Magnus was just looking at Alec. His roommate has been quiet the entire evening, which was not surprising. Alec seemed to enjoy the quiet. He realized Alec was more than happy to stay behind-the-scenes and watch everyone else have fun. So quiet, so simple and yet so beautiful.

Magnus knew that he was a catch. His looks have always been a big self-esteem booster. But he also knew that looking good took effort. Unless you were Alec Lightwood. That man had no right looking THAT handsome in that oversized sweater, which was either grey or just old and white.

“Is this going to be one of those movie nights where we discuss what we are going to watch the entire time and end up watching nothing at all?” Clary asked. From the corner of his eye, he could see Alec stifling a yawn.

Oh, no. That was not going to do at all. Magnus is bad at many things, but hosting is definitely not one of them. This night was not going to end with a discussion on whether Love Actually or Independence Day was a better movie. So, Magnus intervened with the best solution he could think of to cheer things up a little bit.

“Who wants to play a drinking game?” he asked. He heard Shezza groan and decided he would deal with that treasonous bastard later.

“What kind of drinking game?” Jace asked, “Cause if it is strip poker, I gotta warn you guys. I went commando today.”

Alec face-palmed himself and looked like he was going to throttle his brother.

“Your virtue is safe for today, Blondie. We are going to play Never Have I Ever,” Magnus replied, “I think it would be fun and we can all get to know each other a little better.”

_You clever son of a bitch!_

Fine, he had ulterior motives for picking this particular game. But sue him if he wants to know whether Alec was interested in guys or not. All is fair in love and war.

_Wait a fucking minute. Did you just say ‘love’?_

“I am in. I guess it is better than watching Love Actually,” Izzy said.

“It is a cinematic masterpiece and you know it!” Jace retorted.

“For the record, I feel like this is a bad idea,” Clary said.

“Biscuit, all decisions made under the influence of alcohol are bad ideas,” Magnus replied. “Trust me, I would know.”

While Magnus went to the kitchen to pick up a bottle of tequila and shot glasses, the gang had gathered on the couch. Alec was telling Simpson that there will be no group cuddling much to the latter man's disappointment.

_Alright, Bane. It’s truth time!_

They all filled up their shot glasses with Jace already downing his first one.

“What? You didn’t say I had to wait for the questions!” he said, his voice slightly slurring. “Fine. I’ll go first. Never have I ever dated a redhead before.”

“Real subtle, Jace,” Isabelle muttered, while she drowned her drink along with Clary and Magnus.

“Hey! I am just saying I am open for new experi-OW!” Jace screamed. Alec was shooting daggers at his brother. To his relief, Magnus noticed that Alec’s shot glass remained full.

“Okay. My turn!” Clary shouted, clearly trying to divert the topic of conversation, “Never have I ever been banned from a country before.”

All of them, except Magnus of course, gave her curious looks. He stuck out his tongue at her and gulped another shot.

“Oh, I definitely want to hear this story,” Izzy said, her eyes gleaming.

“Um, I am actually not allowed to say what happened. I signed an NDA,” Magnus explained lamely. “All you need to know is that the good citizens of Peru will never have the pleasure of seeing my gorgeous self again.”

“Guess you just need to be drunk enough to slip that one out, Magnus,” Simon said optimistically, “Alright, my chance! Let’s see. Hmmm. Never have I ever…seen a mango before.”

“I told you that information in confidence, you fucking asshole!” Jace punched Alec on the shoulder.

“You’ve never seen a mango before?” Clary asked.

“I have seen pieces! I just don’t know what the fruit looks like!” Jace explained helplessly.

“Jace, next time you are here, I’ll make sure to have some mangos so you can educate yourself,” Magnus said patiently, “Alright, Alexander. It’s your turn.”

He noticed that Alec hasn’t downed his drink once. Of course, that’s probably because they were playing with a bunch of children. But Alec has been sober the entire evening. Maybe he doesn’t drink?

“Um, Never have I ever…broken an arm trying to fight a duck,” Alec said after thinking for a while. The corner of his lips were slightly curved, like he was enjoying some private joke.

Well, that was certainly not what Magnus expected. But it was nice to see Alec smiling.

“Listen, if yall are tryna get me drunk, its working bitches! Also, I deserve a medal for trying to fight that bloodthirsty beast” Jace retorted after finishing his shot.

“You’ve never seen a mango AND you are afraid of ducks?” Clary asked, clearly amused.

“I am not afraid of them per se. It’s more about what they are capable of, you know?” Jace asked, slightly sweating. Magnus didn’t know whether it was the tequila or if Jace was thinking about a possible duck-attack.

“Wait a minute. Didn’t you have an uncle who organized a public protest to ban all the ducks in London?” Simon asked.

“Alright, Ser talks-a-lot needs to shut the fuck up. Magnus, you go!” Jace said trying to retain whatever was left of his dignity.

“Okay. Never have I ever kissed a boy,” he said as insouciantly as possible. Izzy and Clary immediately emptied their glasses. 

He has been waiting for his turn the whole time. It was the reason why he suggested the game. Now that the cat was out of the bag – where the hell was Chairman by the way? – he was subtly trying to look at Alec’s glass after drinking his own shot.

But Alec didn’t drink. His shot glass stayed full, the fucking thing!

Well, it is what it is. Alec was straight. Of course, he was straight. Nothing about him screamed gay.

“SIMON LEWIS, EXPLAIN YOURSELF RIGHT NOW!” Clary exclaimed. While Magnus was wallowing in self-pity, Simon had gulped down his own drink.

“What? It was a dare in school! George kissed me, okay? And for the record, it is an honor to have been kissed by that Scottish angel,” he giggled.

Well, good for him, Magnus thought. He looked at Alec again. The other man looked like he would be anywhere else right now. Was Alec uncomfortable with homosexuality? If that was the case then-

“Alright, me!” Isabelle interrupted his thoughts, a bit too enthusiastically, “Never have I ever had a crush on my roommate.”

Alec looked at her sharply and she poked her tongue out at him. What was that about? Was Isabelle interested in her roommate? Well, that’s a shame. He thought Silas and she made a cute couple.

Before anyone had a chance to drink their shot, they were all cut off by the loud ringing of Alec’s phone. His entire body language changed when he realized who was calling.

“Izzy, its mom”, he said. His voice more tense than usual.

Both Isabelle and Jace sat up straight, immediately sobering up. Uh-oh, were they in some kind of trouble for drinking? Maybe Magnus shouldn’t have suggested the stupid game. No good came out of the damn thing anyway.

Alec went into his room, followed by his siblings. They looked like they needed a moment. It seemed Alec was not the only one who was protective of his siblings. Magnus hoped everything was okay.

Clary was laying her head down on Sheldon’s lap while he was braiding her hair. Magnus looked at the two of them and realized that he too would do anything for those two idiots.

“You should ask her out,” he said.

“Whomst?” Simon asked clearly confused.

“Isabelle.”

“What?” he squeaked, his voice a few dozen octaves higher.

“I just think you two would work out. Ask her out,” he repeated.

“But…”

“She might be the Ravenclaw to your Hufflepuff, Simon. You’ll never know if you don’t ask,” he explained in a way the other boy would understand. Magnus might not have a chance at true love but that doesn’t mean he can’t help others find it. He patted him on the shoulder and got up to check on the Lightwoods.

“Hey, wait. Did you just call me SIMON???” he heard him scream from the living room.

Magnus pretended like he didn’t hear him. If he brings it up tomorrow, he would just say that Shelly was experiencing tequila-fueled hallucinations. Magnus had a reputation to maintain after all.

“Alexander, is everything alright?” he asked after knocking on his roommate’s bedroom door.

It was Isabelle who opened it. “He is fine, Magnus. Thank you for checking up on him. Looks like Jace and I have to go though. Thank you so much for having us today. We had a great time,” she said before pulling him into another hug. This one was different. He felt like the hug was more for her than him. So, he wrapped his arms around her and returned it with all his heart. “Take care him, will you?” she whispered.

“You never have to ask,” he replied honestly.

She left the room quietly, probably to say goodbye to Clary and Simon. When he turned around to check on Alec, he saw him sitting on the bed next to Jace, who had his brother enveloped in a hug. Jace noticed Magnus hovering near the door and got up. “I’ll see you on Friday then?” he asked tentatively. Alec just nodded, not looking up.

Magnus wanted to talk to Alec, ask him what was wrong, what he could do to help. But first, he had to make sure the others got home safe. He led Jace out to the living room when the other man stopped him by his elbow.

“Listen…I just…I wanted to say thank you,” he said quietly.

“For what?” Magnus asked genuinely perplexed.

Jace was chewing his bottom lip and was toying with his phone to keep his hands busy – a nervous habit Magnus assumed.

“Whenever I meet Alec’s or Izzy’s friends for the first time…they know. They figure it out. That I am not one of them, you know? They know I am not a Lightwood. So, they ask. It has always made me feel…distanced, I guess. So, thank you. For not asking if I was adopted,” Jace explained, his eyes slightly glossy.

In that moment, Magnus could see the vulnerability in that strong, confident boy. Magnus might not have a family, but he definitely knows this feeling. The feeling of desperately wanting to…belong. To someone. To something.

“Jace, I have only known your brother for a few weeks. And you for a less than a day. I might not know you two well, but I do know this - Blood is not love. It doesn’t matter whether you are biologically related or not, you will always be his brother and he will be yours,” Magnus said. He didn’t know if it was the tequila or just the exhaustion of the entire day wearing him down, but he felt like Jace needed to hear it. The other boy pulled him into a hug and murmured a thank you before leaving to find Izzy.

Magnus couldn’t help but wonder what that felt like. To have a family and yet feel utterly alone. To be surrounded by loved ones and yet feel so unloved. For a brief moment, Magnus wondered whether it was better to not have a family than to have one at all.

By the time he got to the living room, all four of them were at the doorstep, getting ready to leave.

“Magnus, we got us an Uber. We’ll drop Jace and Izzy off before going home,” Clary said kissing his cheek, “I’ll see you on Monday.”

He made sure all of them got into the cab safely before getting back to the loft, where he found the Chairman sleeping on the couch. That little devil waited until everyone left so he could claim his throne again. What a hermit.

“You have to stop being so antisocial, Chairman. They are good people,” he gently scolded his feline companion while patting him on the back.

He was wondering what to say to Alec, when his roommate walked into the living room and sat down next to him on the couch.

“They all left?” he asked, his voice hoarse.

“Yes. Don’t worry, I made sure they got into a cab safely,” he reassured the other man.

“Thank you, Magnus,” Alec replied. He was staring at the Persian rug again. Magnus was starting to realize that this was an attempt at avoiding eye contact and not appreciation for his taste in interior design.

“Are you alright?”

“Did you have fun?”

They both asked at the same time. Alec stayed silent, prompting Magnus to answer his question first.

“Yes, very much so,” he answered honestly, “your siblings are a delight.”

“Yeah, you seem to be, uh, quite fond of…Izzy,” Alec said, with an edge in his voice.

“What’s not to be fond of? She is smart, confident, beautiful. She definitely takes after her br-”

“I am fine with it, you know”, Alec cut him off.

“Fine with what?”

“You dating her.”

“What? I don’t want to date your sister!”

What a ridiculous thing to say. Did Alec genuinely think Magnus was interested in his sister?

“I mean no offense to Isabelle, but I am not interested in dating her at all,” Magnus went on when Alec said nothing.

“Oh, but I thought…You both just had so much in common and had this chemistry…” Alec tried to explain.

“Alexander, just because both your sister and I have fantastic taste in fashion, it doesn’t mean we should date. It just means that we would be really good at shopping dates.” Magnus chuckled, “Besides, she is your sister. That would be like you dating Clary.”

Alec visibly flinched when he mentioned Clary. Why would he… Oh. _Oh_.

_Well, it is what it is._

“I’m sorry, Alexander. I shouldn’t have said that. You have every right to date Clary if you want to. I remember you asking if she was my girlfriend, I didn’t think it was because you were interested. You are a good man and you two would make a cute couple.”

_No, they wouldn’t. They would look like Jack and the fucking Beanstalk!_

“Magnus, I am not interested in Clary!” Alec said, his voice shocked.

“You don’t have to hide your feelings, Alexander. Is this because you haven’t dated redheads before? I noticed you didn’t drink your shot for that question. Trust me, the hair colour does not affect-

“Magnus, I am gay!”

“Hmm?”

_Hmmmmmmmmmmmm?????????_

“I am gay. I am not interested in Clary…or any other woman for that matter,” Alec said still looking at the Persian rug.

Holy fucking shitballs. Alec Lightwood is gay. And he was not interested in his sorta-adoptive-sister. What a fucking day to be alive!

Magnus was feeling so many things and wanted to put them all into words but all that came out of this mouth was a squeaky ‘oh?’.

_For the love of Christ! Say something nice and supportive. He just came out to you!_

“Well, you can never have too many gays under one roof, right?” he asked, laughing nervously.

_Are you fucking-_

“Are you gay too?” Alec asked, his voice small.

“Well, I am bi. But you get what I mean.” Magnus said, desperately trying to do some damage control.

“I am sorry. I didn’t mean to come out to you like that. I just…I don’t know how to be gay. This is all so new to me. I just came out to my family before I moved in. So…” Alec drifted.

It all made sense now. Alec looking for a new roommate all of a sudden. Alec freezing when his mother called him tonight. Alec being reluctant to talk to Magnus. Alec being worried about living at a new place. Alec being worried he will offend Magnus.

The poor man was just trying to figure himself out and Magnus had gone and made it all about himself.

_Typical._

“Alec, are you attracted to men?

“Um, yes.”

“Then that’s all it takes to be gay,” Magnus said, looking up at him.

“But I don’t look like-”

“There is no such thing as ‘looking’ gay, Alexander. Unless you were looking at another man’s ass. That’s very gay,” he explained and winked at his roommate.

“So, I don’t have to dress like…” he gestured vaguely with his hands, his cheeks slightly pink. Who opened the fucking window again?

“No, you don’t have to dress like…” Magnus imitated his ridiculous hand gesture, “Being gay does not dictate the way you talk or dress or behave. You are the person you have always been. Yes, your sexuality is a part of your self-identity. But it’s not the entirety of it.”

For that second, he didn’t care if Alec was attracted to him or not. He just wanted to help Alec. Magnus went through a lot of shit in high school when he was trying to figure out who he was. Before finally realizing he could be whoever he wanted to be, he had already put himself in too many boxes and covered himself with too many labels. He didn’t want Alec to go through the same.

“Be the person you needed when you were younger,” his dear friend Tessa had once told him. So, he was going to be just that.

And if Alec liked him as more than just a friend, more than just a roommate, then that was a fucking bonus.

“Thank you. That helped, I think,” Alec replied, finally looking up, smiling at Magnus.

Yes, Isabelle is probably the best dressed woman in all of New York – The moon that lights up the night sky. Jace might be the strongest, cockiest bachelor out there – The sun that shines brightly above all else.

But Alec…he was something else. Alec Lightwood was the entire fucking galaxy.

“I just have one question,” Magnus said.

“What is it?”, his roommate asked, his voice warm and soothing. 

“Do you still think Emilia Clarke has nice tits?

All he got in response was a smack on the side with one of the throw pillows.

Maybe it will be their thing too.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to let yall know that each chapter is named after a constellation and has a specific meaning and connection to its chapter. 
> 
> Good luck trying to figure them out:)
> 
> Come find on tumblr at @khaleesiofalicante
> 
> Fun fact: It takes 8-12 years for the Blue Agave plant to mature enough to make Tequila.


	5. Eridanus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “And you still want to live with me? After everything I said?” his roommate asked. Alec wanted nothing more than to erase the uncertainty in Magnus’ voice. If Alec was sure of one damn thing in his life, it was that he wanted to be with Magnus.
> 
> Mickey Mouse blankets, hot chocolate, tear-stained sweaters, spying plants and other things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for past trauma and self-harm. 
> 
> If you have been through tough times, whoever you are, you are still here. You made it. You are strong and I am incredibly proud of you. 
> 
> Happy reading :)

It’s been almost a week since he had come out to Magnus. Well, if one can call  _that_  coming out. It was more like he tripped over and fell flat on his face. Of course, Magnus was extremely nice and supportive about the whole thing. It's quite weird when someone so casually accepts a part of you that everyone else seems to hate. You suddenly realize ' _oh there is nothing wrong with me. People are just assholes!'_

He wasn’t planning on coming out to him like that, with zero eloquence and grace. But Magnus thinking Alec was interested in Clary was just… _ugh_. Magnus had to know that he wasn’t interested in her. That he wasn’t interested in any woman. Besides it became pretty clear that Clary was being pursued by another Lightwood. His brother had somehow managed to get the redhead’s number during their little gathering. Alec had thought Clary to be a smart and rational person. Well, Jace can be nothing if not persistent. He was slightly concerned about what was going to happen to those two. But right now, he had more important things to think about than their heterosexual romance. It has almost been a _week_ and he has not made a move yet!

_What exactly are we planning here?_

Well, the plan is to ask Magnus out. But every time he sees his roommate, his brain cells start to malfunction.

_Brain cells. Plural?_

Magnus had just come home after work and was currently taking a shower. And no – he wasn’t stalking!

_Sure, Jan._

It’s sort of hard not to be aware of everything the other person does when you have the whole house to yourselves. Alec was always aware of Magnus’ presence, whether he was in the shower or kitchen or bedroom. Weirdly, his presence didn’t feel like an intrusion. It felt rather comforting to know that there was someone there, right around the corner.  While Alec was trying to come up with a plan to ask his roommate out, the said roommate had apparently finished his shower. The loft had great acoustics and really thin walls. He wondered whether Magnus could hear everything Alec did - he sincerely hoped not. He also wondered how loud his roommate's moans would be when Alec gets to-

_I’m so fucking done with you at this point._

The pleasant thought was interrupted by his rude subconscious and the sound of Magnus opening his bedroom door. Alright, he here comes. You’ve got this Lightwood! You’ve got this in the bag. Just ask him out for dinner.

_If you fucking stutter this time I swear to god…_

“Magnus, do you maybe waaaaaaaa”

_Did you just seriously fucking say ‘waaaaaaaa’?_

What else was he supposed to do? Magnus was standing in front of him in nothing but a towel. A little pink cloth tied around his waist. JESUS FUCK.

Life was terribly unfair. How can someone look amazing in a three-piece suit – Alec had almost died of heart failure that morning – AND a fucking towel? But then again, Alec supposed good looking people didn’t look good because of their fashion choices. He thought of Izzy and Jace, who still look stunning and immaculate even when they wear hideous clown outfits. Alec has been to their college Halloween parties. He knows this for a fact.

_Hey, dildo! You’re still staring at him!_

Oh shit. Alec quickly averted his eyes from Magnus’ abdomen and god what an abdomen that was.

“You were saying, Alexander?” Magnus prompted, not unkindly.

_Coffee. Ask him out for fucking coffee. Good lord._

“I was wondering if you’d like to have some coffee?”

Wow. That wasn’t hard at all. He should have done it long time-

“Actually if you don't mind, I’d like some hot chocolate please.”

_Damn it!_

When he dies, he was pretty sure his tombstone would say something like ‘ _Here lies Alec Lightwood – a useless gay_ ’.

“Of course,” Alec said as he walked into the kitchen. Well, that clearly didn’t go according to the plan. But it was the stupid towel’s fault. It had no right being that small! Alec was nothing but the victim here.

He went over to the coffee machine to get some more coffee for himself. Alec had come home from work one day to find out a red, brand new, shiny coffee machine on the kitchen counter.

“It’s a house warming gift! I made sure it didn’t have too many buttons. So, you should be fine,” Magnus teased. Alec was too touched by the gesture to even protest at what Magnus had done. For someone whose life literally depended on dangerous amounts of caffeine, being gifted a coffee machine was a grand romantic gesture. Magnus might as well asked Alec to marry him.

_Bitch, you wish._

Ever since, every time Alec made coffee – which was a lot of times by the way – his heart would do a little flutter. Of course, Magnus may have done it as a polite gesture to welcome his new roommate. But Alec was not going to dwell too much on that.

_Those are exactly are the kind of details you need to dwell on, you dumbass!_

As he was making Magnus’ hot chocolate, his roommate decided to make himself comfortable. He gave a little jump and settled himself on the kitchen counter, which only made the short pink towel ride up a little higher on his thigh. Why? Why does god keep doing this?

“Would you like some marshmallows?” Alec asked. Or a longer towel? A robe?

Make no mistake, Alec wasn’t complaining. He was very glad to see more of Magnus. He just didn’t want Magnus to see the reaction he was having on him.

“Yes please,” Magnus smiled, “Also, I was wondering if you’d like to visit the terrace. But now I am thinking it might be a bad idea.”

Ah, the terrace. Alec still hasn’t visited Magnus’ favorite spot in the loft. Well, he tried to last Sunday morning but Chairman was lounging on one of the couches and gave him a look that definitely said “ _get the fuck outta here right now_ ”.

Maybe he could ask Magnus out in the terrace. It’s his happy place. What could go wrong? It sounds like a solid idea.

_It DOES sound like a solid idea. You should ask Magnus out. And when he says no, you can jump out of the building. Solid idea indeed._

He ignored the jibe and questioned Magnus. “What’s wrong? I thought you liked hanging out in the terrace?”

“I love hanging out in the terrace. But it’s late October and I’m not sure whether you can handle the cold. Your cheeks already look like tomatoes,” Magnus pointed out.

_Great. Now you are blushing even harder._

“It’s alright, Magnus. I’ll grab a blanket. Shall I meet you outside in a minute?”

Magnus slid off the counter so smoothly, Alec wanted to make that into a gif so he could watch it forever.

_What even…_

“Sure. I’m gonna go put on some clothes,” his roommate said as he sauntered off to his bedroom.

Alec let out a deep breath he didn’t know he was holding. Okay now, you just have to ask him out. Go grab a blanket. Get your ass to the terrace. And ask that beautiful man out. Three simple steps. He has got it this time! He quickly downed his coffee, ran to his room and grabbed the first blanket he saw and got his ass over to the terrace and settled on the big couch. Alright, two steps down, one more to go.

The terrace was actually pretty nice. It had a giant couch - what was with Magnus and giant couches by the way - and a little coffee table. But most importantly, the place was filled with plants. There was a pot in every corner with flowers growing in so many different colours, shapes and sizes. So, Magnus was into botany too?

“Is that a Mickey Mouse blanket? Cute!” Magnus exclaimed as he sat beside him with his hot chocolate.

_Oh for fuck’s sake._

“It’s not…it’s not mine,” Alec stuttered.

“Are you going to tell me it’s Izzy’s?” Magnus asked.

“It actually belongs to Jace,” he replied.

“Awww. Who knew blondie preserves his childhood memorabilia?” Magnus cooed.

“He bought it last year when we went to Disneyland.”

Magnus giggled and started sipping his hot chocolate. The sound of his laughter made Alec's mind briefly take a trip to Disneyland last year. They had gone there for Max’s 10th birthday. He still remembers how much fun they had with their little brother – especially when they bribed the girl dressed as Donald Duck to go hug Jace.

_Not the time, Lightwood. You have a mission._

Right. Step three. Ask him out.

Magnus was leaning over the arm of the couch and was staring at the sky. It was a beautiful night, despite the cold. The sky was clear and was full of stars. How come Alec didn’t notice them before?

_Cause you were too busy staring at other things._

“Are you into star-gazing?” Alec asked.

“I’m into gazing at all beautiful things,” Magnus said with a wink, “and yes, that includes stars.”

Alec blushed at that. Why does he have to blush at everything? Why?

“See that one right there is Pegasus,” Magnus pointed.

“Is that a star?”

“No, it’s a constellation. It’s the shape of a winged horse,” his roommate explained.

A winged horse? It looked more like a damaged ice-cream cone. Maybe he shouldn’t point that out.

“I can’t see it,” Alec confessed.

“Here let me help,” Magnus took his hand and started tracing something in the sky.

“Those three are Zeta, Xi and Rho. They mark the horse’s neck. That one is Enif, that’s the muzzle. There’s eta and Omicron Pegasi, they mark the left knee and hoof while these two, lota and Kappa Pegasi, mark the right knee and hoof.”

Alec stopped listening somewhere around the third star. His attention was focused on the warmth of Magnus’s hand on his. The sandalwood scent. Magnus’ shoulders touching his. Fuck winged horses. This was much better.

Magnus removed his hand to take another sip from his hot chocolate and went back to staring at the stars. It’s been less than a minute and Alec already missed Magnus’ touch.

_This is pathetic. I hope you know that._

“What about that one? The helicopter-shaped one?” Alec asked, desperate to feel that small gesture of intimacy again.

“That’s just a bunch of stars, Alexander. Although you are right. It does suspiciously look like a helicopter,” Magnus laughed.

_Serves you right, you clingy idiot._

“How do you know so much about stars?” Alec asked, genuinely curious. He loved how Magnus was one of those people who was knowledgeable about everything but never showed it off. He knew how to be smart without being a prick.

“My mother taught me,” he replied.

_Well, isn’t that nice. The only thing your mom taught you was to be a repressed, self-loathing, over-conscious loser._

Alec hated the fact that his subconscious was right. He hadn’t learned anything good from either of his parents except maybe how not to be a bad parent. But he was glad that Magnus comes from a family that loved him and cared for him. Magnus deserved to be loved and cared for.

_And you don’t? Is that what you are saying?_

He didn’t know if he deserved love or not. Isn’t that something everyone deserves? To be loved? So, maybe yes. He does deserve love. Whether he got it or not was an entirely different debate. Alec didn’t want to get into that.

_Wise decision. Also, you keep forgetting the mission._

Yes. Right! Okay. Let’s do this. He was just about to ask the other man out when he was interrupted by Magnus, who – unfortunately for Alec – was in the mood for existential questions.

“What do you think happens to people when they die?”

Funnily enough, for someone who thinks too much about too many things, Alec has never really thought about afterlife. That’s probably because he has too much shit happening in the present. Whatever happens after death was way down in the list of his priorities.

“I don’t know. Does it matter? We are dead anyway,” he replied honestly.

Magnus didn’t say anything other than a simple ‘hmmmm’.

“What do _you_ think happens to us when we die?” Alec asked.

In his line of work, he has come to realize that people who asked deep, serious, existential questions often didn’t want to know the answer. Rather, they wanted to share their opinion on it. So, when someone asks you if you believe in ghosts, they really don’t give a shit about whether you actually believe in ghosts or not. They just want an opening so they can talk about why they believe in ghosts.

“I think we turn into stars,” Magnus replied confirming Alec’s suspicions. Oh, there was definitely a story here. He didn’t make a comment, which encouraged Magnus to continue his theory.

“My mom said that when someone dies, they turn into a star. They live in the sky so they can watch over their loved ones,” Magnus said endearingly.

As a journalist, Alec wanted to point out so many holes in this theory. For example, what about starless nights? Are those vacation days for the dead? He didn't want to be rude so instead he asked,

“What does your mom do now?”

“She’s dead.”

_In retrospect, the vacation question would have been better._

As someone who recently lost a loved one, Alec knows how difficult the topic is to talk about. It gets repetitive, awkward and meaningless. One would think that by the time you say ‘ _he died in a car accident_ ’ for the hundredth time, the feeling would go numb. But the pain was always there, lurking and lingering.

“Don’t feel bad. It was years ago. She passed away when I was very young,” Magnus reassured.

“I’m sorry,” Alec said lamely.

In Alec’s opinion that was the lamest thing to say to a person who has lost someone. He hated that, for months after Max’s funeral – sometimes even now – he had to listen to people apologize for his brother’s passing. The fact that they were sorry didn't change anything and neither did it help Alec feel better. It was such a meaningless, useless phrase. 

And yet. Here he was.

“Me too,” was all Magnus said in response.

They were both staring at the stars together in awkward silence till Magnus spoke up.

“You asked me why I was looking for a roommate. When we first met. And you were right, I don’t need the money. I just…my friends thought I could do with a roommate.”

“What happened?” he asked because he wanted to know. He hated the vulnerability in Magnus’ voice and the quietness that replaced his usual enthusiasm.

“Oh, the usual,” Magnus sighed. “I was dating this girl. It was a long-term relationship. She broke my heart and I was in pain.”

Alec couldn’t comprehend why in the world anyone in their sane mind would choose not to be with Magnus. He really couldn’t.

“She cheated on me, multiple times. She said I was…” he struggled.

It wasn’t the kind of struggle where you are looking for the right word. But rather the kind where you know exactly what the word is but don’t want to admit it or say it out loud.

“Magnus, it’s okay,” Alec said.

_Yeah, bro! Her loss._

“When I met her, I was in a bad place," he continued, "I…You see, my mom committed suicide when I was ten. I think she thought I was…I don’t really know why she did it. Not exactly. But my step-father, he blamed me. He said I was… He was so angry and tried to drown me in the river near our house. I hit him on head with a rock and ran away. I ran as fast as I could. Ever since, I have been on my own. I grew up in a monastery in Indonesia before I moved here. Of course, I have friends but…Do you ever feel completely and utterly alone even when you are surrounded by your friends? They are there for you, of course. They love you. But at the end of the day, they have to go home.”

Alec couldn’t imagine the strength and resolution a person must possess to have survived all of that.  He didn’t know what to say. All he knew was that he wanted to hug Magnus. Comfort him. Protect him. Love him with everything Alec has so that Magnus never, ever feels lonely again.

“My childhood wasn’t really perfect. But I had a home. I had a mother who loved me. Who taught me the difference between Ursa Major and Ursa Minor. Remember when I told you the terrace was my happy place? It’s because I can come here every night and look at the stars. I look at mama and hope that she is looking at me too.”

_Hold his hand. Alec, hold his hand._

So he did.

“After losing her, I started looking. My wandering heart looked all over the world for that sense of belonging. I was looking for a…home. I achieved so many things along the way. Fame. Success. Money. But all I ever wanted was a home. Family. Stability. I was so tired of being with people who didn’t want me for more than a night or a month at most because I was…”

Because you were what, Magnus? Tell me. You can trust me. But Alec didn’t say any of that. He just squeezed the other man’s hand tighter.

“I was just about to give up on love when I met her. My home...or so I thought. We were together for so long and I finally believed that i found myself someone who will be with me. Someone I can come home to every day. But it turned out that my home was being shared with multiple people. For a while, I told myself that I was okay with it - as long as I still had a home. Until one day she told me that she didn’t want me because I was…”

Alec didn't care what the reason was. Anyone who abandons Magnus was a complete and utter idiot. Magnus started sobbing gently into his sweater. Alec took off his blanket and wrapped it around him.

“You shouldn’t. I am getting my tears all over Mickey,” Magnus protested.

“He’ll live,” Alec said.

“Anyways, the point of this sob story was that Camille broke my heart so much that I…I tried to hurt myself. Her betrayal and that breakup was just too much for me to handle. I was looking for a home for so long and when she left me I realized I would never find it. So, I wanted my old home. I wanted my mama, who loved me. I just wanted to be with her so bad. I still do sometimes, which is why I spend a lot of time out here looking at the stars.”

Suddenly Alec wondered about his previous question. What happened when the stars were on vacation? What happened when Magnus came out here looking for his mom and was left with an empty sky?

“I, um, took some pills. So I can finally be with her. But my friends found me on time. They’ve been keeping an eye on me ever since. I have been going for therapy for a while now. It helps, but not always, you know? There are days when nothing helps at all. Everything flows smoothly and then suddenly you get hit by the rapids. Like one of those days when I came out here to talk to mama and the sky is just dark, empty and unwelcoming.”

Alec wished he could reach for the stars and pluck some of them right out of the sky. He would keep them in his pocket - safe and close to his heart. He would put them back during those clear, starless nights so Magnus could talk to his mom.

_Calm down, Romeo._

“But don’t worry about it. It’s better now than it was before. Not perfect, but better. Raphael got my some plants. Actually, he decorated the entire terrace. He drops off a few new ones every month. I don’t even know what some of these plants are. He said I will have to wait till they blossom to find out. I think he does it because he wants me to have something to look forward to every morning.”

He didn’t know who Raphael was, but he was very glad that this man was a part of Magnus’ life.

“And then came Chairman Meow. He was a gift from Catarina, although she wasn’t very pleased with my choice of name. She thought I would learn to take care of myself better if I had someone else to take care of too. I was a bit of a mess back then. But I have to say I love that stupid cat so fucking much, way more than I initially expected to.”

At that moment, Alec loved that stupid cat so fucking much too. He wished he could talk to cats so he can thank the little creature for loving Magnus. Well, he could always buy him some extra cat food. Magnus doesn’t have to know.

“Anyhow, it was Ragnor’s idea that I should live with someone. I succeeded with the plants and the cat and therefore now they are experimenting me with a human. Not that you are some sort of security guard or test subject, Alexander. Please don’t misunderstand. He just believed that if I lived with someone I might look at the loft as more of a home.”

“Do you?” Alec asked. “Do you see it as a home now that you have…,” _me_ he wanted to say but instead he asked, “now that you have a roommate?”

“I’m getting there,” Magnus replied with a genuine smile that warmed Alec’s heart, “I have to say, coming home to your bacon and cheese macaroni is so much better than coming home to cat piss.”

“Well, I do make a mean bacon and cheese mac. Take _that_ Chairman!” Alec teased back.

“I am sorry about ruining your night though. This was supposed to be fun. But as my roommate, I thought you should know what you signed up for,” Magnus said, his fingers fidgeting with the blanket.

“Nothing was ruined. I am glad you talked to me,” Alec replied.

“And you still want to live with me? After everything I said?” his roommate asked. Alec wanted nothing more than to erase the uncertainty in Magnus’ voice. If Alec was sure of one damn thing in his life, it was that he wanted to be with Magnus.

“Yes, I do.”

It was a promise. One that he would hold onto forever if Magnus lets him.

“Also, I am glad that you have these amazing friends. They sound wonderful,” Alec added.

“Shhhhh! They’ll hear you. I am pretty sure Raphael has set up cameras in one of the cacti pots,” Magnus whispered.

“Okay. Find out which one and we’ll make Chairman pee on it,” he suggested.

Despite the fake animosity, Magnus continued to talk about how much he adored his friends and how their unnecessary meddling always seemed to make everything a little bit better. Thinking of Jace, Izzy and Simon…Alec couldn’t agree more.

“Alexander…” Magnus said, his voice suddenly hesitant and small.

“Yes, Magnus?”

“You don’t think I am a pathetic loser, do you?”

“I think you are the strongest person I have ever met.”

Magnus enveloped him a hug so strong and so raw, it made Alec want to stay like that forever - even out in the New York cold.

_Yo, are we gonna ask him out or what?_

Alec thought about it for a minute. Magnus didn't need a boyfriend. Magnus needed a home. Alec wasn't sure if he was good enough to be anybody's home. So, how could he possibly be a home for this amazing man on his arms?

“You know that this goes both ways, right? I know you are not much of a talker but…if there is anything you want to talk about, I am always here,” Magnus said still hugging him tightly.

Alec wanted to tell him everything. About Max. About his parents. About getting kicked out. He wanted to tell Magnus that his mom called him randomly last week and asked him to join them for dinner this week. He wanted to say that he was terrified of the prospect and didn’t want to go. More than anything he wanted to tell Magnus that having a family wasn’t always a blessing. But he didn’t want to burden Magnus. He has enough to deal with already. He didn't want give his roommate more things to worry about.

“I’m good for now,” he lied, “but I do have one question about something you said though.”

“What is it?" his roommate asked, breaking away from the hug and looking directly into Alec's eyes.

"Who is Ursa Major and Ursa Minor?”

Magnus broke into laughter at that and proceeded to explain about the two constellations.

That night in the terrace with Mickey Mouse blankets, hot chocolate, tear-stained sweaters, spying plants and under the watchful eyes of long gone mothers, Alec realized a few things.

He realized that stars are actually quite pretty if you took the time to look at them.

He realized that constellations are prettier, even to the eyes of an amateur.

And Magnus…beautiful, strong Magnus. He was neither a star nor a constellation.

Magnus Bane was the entire fucking galaxy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?
> 
> You can find me on tumblr @khaleesiofalicante
> 
> Fun fact: Mickey was originally going to be named Mortimer!


	6. Hercules

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Um, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it. Thanks for blowing me. Uh, I meant blowing the thing.”
> 
> “It was my pleasure,” he winked, “I like blowing things”. 
> 
> Sue him. There was nothing wrong in platonically flirting with your platonic roommate.
> 
> Jealous rivals, naked roommates, glitter nail polish and other things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy reading :)

_You are too much._

Nothing hurts Magnus more than hearing those four words. His entire life, people have been telling him that he is too much.

_You were too much for her, boy!_

Was he? Is that why she killed herself? Because he was too much to handle? Would he still have his mama if he was normal like everyone else? These are things he cannot stop wondering about.

_I love you, baby. But sometimes you are just too much._

Is that why she left him too?

_No, she left you because she is a self-centered bitch. You have to stop this right now!_

Magnus has had many friends and lovers throughout the course of his life and most of them had left him for the same reason – because he was too much.

And he knows. He knows sometimes he can be too much. He has too much extravagance. He has too much baggage. He has too much…of everything. Why would anyone want to deal with that?

For a while he tried to be simple, just like everyone else. He toned it all down. No makeup. No extravagance. No wallowing about his past. No nothing. But it didn’t make him feel any better. He thought it would help him to be like everyone else, be normal. But it didn’t. He just felt empty.

He truly believed that compromising his extravagance and his past would make it easier to retain people in his life – to keep them from leaving him.

“ _If you have to give up a part of yourself in order to be accepted by others, then that’s not a compromise, Magnus. That’s a sacrifice. And most people are not worth it._ ”

He remembered his therapist’s words. Dr. Carstairs was right of course. But listening to advice and following it in real life were too very different things. He was doing okay for a while now. He convinced himself that he was enough and that there was nothing wrong with him. But sometimes things happen and he is forced to go down that road.

Today was one of those days. Things have been a bit hectic at _Red Scrolls_ because of their new product launch. They have been working hard to create sustainable footwear from the plastic found in the ocean. It hasn’t been an easy path but his crew was incredibly supportive throughout the project. Magnus had a good feeling about this new product. At least until they got preliminary feedback from their peers.

“ _This is an innovative idea. But we believe it might be a bit too much for our target audience at the moment._ ”

They had specifically italicized the words ‘ _too much_ ’ as if they knew it would simultaneously piss him off and break his heart. He was wondering if he should maybe postpone the launch and rework the design when his most trusted colleague walked in.

“So, I need your help. I’m not sure which of these is better for the launch. I really like the first venue because it has a reputation for hosting eco-friendly events and kind of fits the vibe we are trying to give but the second one has better parking so it-”

“Do you think we should postpone the launch?” Magnus interrupted her. The look on Clary’s face was almost comical.

“What? Now? Magnus we only have two more months till the launch! We can’t change anything now!!!” she was practically screaming. He understood her frustration. This project was Clary’s baby as much as it was his.

“I am not saying we are postponing. I’m just asking if we should.”

Clary’s eyes softened at that. She knows. She knows that he is used to compulsively second-guessing everything, especially if he was involved in the decision making process.

“Magnus, what brought this on?” she asked, taking a seat opposite him.

_Years of repeated devaluation._

Well, he could say that. But he felt like it would only lead to another lecture from Clary. So instead he said that he wasn’t satisfied with the peer feedback.

“Magnus, are you serious right now? We asked for feedback from 11 peer organizations. 10 out of 11 said that our idea was revolutionary and wished us the best of luck. Are you seriously focusing on the one bad review we got? Do I need to remind you that it was from a company that is literally called ‘Great Poison’ and is run by a jealous she-demon who hates everything you do?”

Clary was right, as she always was. The fact that the feedback came from Shinyun indeed means that it was useless. But Magnus couldn’t help but think whether she was right.

“Hey! Stop that! Listen to me, Magnus Bane. We both have been working our asses off with this project for the last two years. It is smart, creative and sustainable. It is literally everything this company stands for. So, you will be postponing this launch over my dead body.”

_Can you please listen to her and get over your fragile self-esteem?_

“I understand, biscuit. But like you said, we have worked really hard on this project. So, I want everything to be perfect. So, let me just think it over once, okay? We won't postpone, I promise. Just one last look at the design, “ he explained hoping she would not push any further.

“Fine, Okay. Also, yes. You are definitely overworked. So, I suggest you pack things up and go home. You might find that environment a bit more…relaxing.”

Ah, there it was. Ever since Clary started going out with Alec’s brother – may god bless them both – she has been dropping not-so-subtle hints about his roommate.

“Alright. That’s enough from you. Let's discuss the venues tomorrow. I’m going home,” he said as he packed up for the day.

“Of course. As they say, home is where the heart is. So…”

“Clary, if you keep this up, I will tell Blondie that you once kissed your brother,” he warned her as he walked out of his office.

“THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT AND I DIDN’T KNOW HE WAS MY BROTHER!!!!” he heard her scream as he got into the elevator.

That indeed was a story to tell but Magnus didn’t want to get into Morgenstern family drama right now. Despite the fact that he was slightly annoyed at Clary’s teasing, he couldn’t help but perk up at the idea of going home to Alec. That was the best part of Magnus’s work day to be honest. Finish everything up and leaving the office to meet his…roommate.

_That’s right. He is your roommate. So, go easy._

Sure. Go easy. That shouldn’t be hard, right? Well, apart from the fact that everything about Alec made things...hard.

_I JUST SAID GO EASY!!!_

When he met Alec, he was instantly floored by how handsome and gorgeous the other man was. But now after living with Alec for a couple of months, Magnus couldn’t help but wonder how Alec’s looks were not even his best quality and that was really saying something because that man was HOT!

_Yes, yes. We got your point._

Alec was a good man. Whatever Magnus was expecting from a roommate, it definitely wasn’t this. He didn’t expect to find someone who was so beautiful on the inside and out. Maybe that’s what made him tell Alec everything about himself.

_I still can’t believe you pulled that stunt! What were you even thinking?_

But that’s the thing. Magnus wasn’t thinking. He just wanted to hang out with Alec under the stars. But as soon as they were under the stars, under the watchful eyes of his mother, he knew he couldn’t keep things from Alec. He had signed up to live with Magnus without knowing anything at all. So, it was only fair that his roommate knew who he really was and where he came from.

As he was sharing his past with the other man, he had been waiting for Alec to give back the keys and run out of the loft as fast as he could. He had expected Alec to be disgusted by what a mess he was. Or worse, pity him for how pathetic he was. But his roommate had done neither. Instead, Alec looked at him with…awe? The other man’s eyes were full of admiration and pride.

“ _I think you are the strongest person I have ever met._ ”

Magnus still remembered the way Alec had said those words, with nothing but honesty and conviction. He was so surprised and overwhelmed by Alec’s response; he couldn’t help but hug the other man.

_Well, you could have not hugged him. You could have fist bumped him or something._

Well, sue him. He was big on hugs anyway and Alec didn’t seem to mind. Also, that was a totally platonic hug between two platonic roommates.

_Right._

He suddenly realized he had already reached his building while his thoughts were preoccupied with his handsome roommate, whom he did not have feelings for. 

_I’m sorry, who are you trying to convince here?_

As he went up in the elevator, he was thinking about what horrible idea it would be to actually date Alec.

_Dating someone who is good, kind and supportive? How horrible indeed._

He kept telling himself that Alec wasn’t looking for a boyfriend. For fuck’s sake, he had just come out. He probably never dated a man before. Magnus shouldn’t be anyone’s first boyfriend, especially not Alec’s. He might be too much for him.

And there it was. His biggest fear - That he would be too much for Alec as well. 

His roommate was one of the simplest people he had ever met. He was quiet, reserved and composed at all times. Magnus on the other was loud, chaotic and all over the place. They obviously wouldn’t make a compatible couple. The other man would probably be tired of him in less than a week. Over the last couple of months, he has gotten to know the other man pretty well and one of those things was – Alec Lightwood does not do messy. He was too conscientious and organized for that sort of chaos. Magnus was definitely too much for Alec. And his roommate didn’t deserve that. Nobody did.

When he walked into the loft and noticed that Alec was already home. He was in his room listening to classical music. Of course, he would have excellent taste in music. Does this man even have one single flaw?

Speaking of flaws, he should probably get someone to do something about the thin walls in the loft. He really had to stop thinking about what is roommate was doing every other minute and the damn acoustics and thin walls were not making it any easier.

Magnus went straight in for a shower. As he took off his clothes and showered, he still couldn’t stop worrying about Shinyun’s feedback. Clary was right about the fact that the other woman was jealous. But Shinyun was also one of the smartest people he had met and was very good at what she does.

_You mean, at manipulating people? She is definitely very good at that. Exhibit A: YOU!_

His self-deprecating thoughts were briefly disrupted when he heard some sort of noise coming from his bedroom. Chairman Meow was probably at it again. The cat loved playing with – and by playing Magnus meant causing serious damage to – his expensive, silk bedspreads. He spent some more time in the hot shower, desperately trying to pull himself together before having dinner with Alec. But he couldn’t. He kept thinking about how fucking messy his life was and how he is probably going to be alone for the rest of his life because he is too much for people to handle.

He only realized that he had left his towel on the bed when he looked for the damn thing to dry himself. He also needs to get rid of the stupid pink thing because from what he had gathered the last time, Alec wasn’t very pleased with it. His roommate had even suggested that he should use something else.

“It just…um….is very…um, it doesn’t look very comfortable.”

Actually it was extremely comfortable considering its soft fabric. It was a _Red Scrolls_ product and something Magnus was very proud of. The softness of the towel made it quite popular in the market and which is actually why Magnus kept using it despite it being too small for his size. Well, if Alec doesn’t like it then maybe he should consider something else - but only because Magnus values constructive criticism from his roommate. No other reason at all.

He walked out of the bathroom to search for the towel and use it one last time when he heard an unmistakably familiar voice say,

“Hey, Magnus! I hope you don’t mind. I was hoping to surp-!”

“AHHHH ALEC”

“AHHHH PENIS”

_HOLY FUCKING SHIT._

He was naked. In front of Alec. Alec. Clothes. Magnus. no clothes. Naked body. Booty.

_Are you having a fucking stroke?_

Oh my god, Alec could see his ass. Fuck he could see everything. Holy fucking shit. What should do he do now???

_Well, for starters, cover yourself?_

Magnus noticed that Alec had quickly turned around, dropped whatever he was holding and was covering his face with both hands. Magnus quickly covered his too.

_OMG NOT YOUR FUCKING FACE! COVER YOUR PARTS, YOU DUMBASS!!!_

Right. Yes. His parts. Oh for fuck’s sake, the towel was still on the bed which was closer to Alec than it was to him. Magnus didn’t really feel good about being that close to Alec in his current state. So, he quickly retreated back to the bathroom.

“Alexander?”

“Um, yes?”

“Can you pass me the towel, please? It’s on my bed.”

He didn’t know what took so long but after an entire minute, there was a gentle knock on the bathroom window. He opened the door a little and held out his hand. Magnus was not ashamed of his body, he has never been. He has been naked in front of his friends more times than he would care to admit. But he was not going to parade his naked body around Alec. He was pretty sure the other man wouldn’t appreciate that.

“Um, I’m going to wait…outside. Not outside your bedroom cause that would be creepy but not like outside the loft either cause I live here. I mean like outside, you know? In the living room. That’s right. That’s what you call it. The living room. I’m going to go wait in the living room. Until you put on some clothes…because you are not wearing any right now…because you are naked…without clothes. Um, bye.”

Magnus came out of the room a minute later and got dressed. What a fucking mess he was.

_Hey! He was the one in your bedroom!_

Hold on a second. That’s right. What was Alec doing in his bedroom? He walked into the living room to ask him just that.

“Magnus, I am so fucking sorry. I didn’t mean for that to happen. I was just trying to… I am so sorry. I completely understand if you want me to pack up my things and leave right now,” Alec spluttered out as soon as he saw Magnus approaching him.

“Calm down, Alexander. It’s okay. I just want to know what you were doing in my bedroom,” he replied. He was genuinely surprised by how calm and composed his voice sounded to his own ears.

“Um, I just…I wanted to…” he said as he shook the tiny box around in his hand.

“What’s that?”

Alec silently passed the box to him.

“Glow in the dark stars?” he asked, genuinely confused.

“I thought you’d like them in your bedroom. You could look at them at night, during those starless nights. I mean I tried to put them up to surprise you but I didn’t realize how high these ceilings were.”

_God damn it!_

Why? Why? Why did he have to be so nice? Why is he so fucking thoughtful? Why does he keep making things harder?

“Anyways, I…um…I didn’t mean for that to happen. Like I said, I am so sorry. And if you want to-”

“Alexander,” he interrupted him, “it’s alright. You tried to do a thoughtful thing, which I am grateful for. And it wasn’t your fault that I left the towel on the bed. Let’s just think of it as an unfortunate accident, okay?”

“Um…sure. It was, uh, very…unfortunate,” Alec said for after a moment of contemplation.

“I’ll take that,” he said as he took the box from Alec’s hands. “It’s the thought that counts and I very much appreciate your thought, Alexander.”

“You’re welcome,” his roommate responded with a smile. “I made steak tonight. You coming?”

“Actually, I am not very hungry. So, I’ll eat later. You go ahead.”

He didn’t want to have dinner with Alec. He wasn’t in the right place to eat and he knew wouldn’t be good company. There was no need to ruin the other man’s appetite too.

“Oh okay,” he said his voice disappointed, “I’ll put the leftovers in the fridge. You can microwave it when you are ready for dinner.”

“Thank you, Alexander,” he responded with a small smile and returned to his room. He sat down on the bed, took out his iPad and started on reworking the design. Just because Magnus was too much, it didn’t mean his products had to be too. He’ll just tone it down a little bit. Maybe try out a different style for the soles?

He had been working on it for god knows how long when he heard a gentle knock on his door.

“I am not naked. You can come in.”

“Magnus, I am so sorry I didn’t mean…”

“Alexander, I was just teasing. I didn’t mean it.” Too much, Magnus. Too much.

“It’s almost midnight. I realized you still haven’t had your dinner. Just wanted to make sure everything was okay,” Alec said tentatively. Magnus hated that. He absolutely hated the fact that Alec was one of those people now. Like Ragnor, Catarina and Raphael. They were forever concerned about his well being and therefore were in a permanent state of worry.

“I’m sorry. I was just working on some designs. But I can’t seem to finish it,” he said.

“What’s wrong?” Alec asked coming into the room.

“One of those days at work, you know. My mind has been restless all day. I can’t seem to focus on anything.”

Alec looked at him for a moment and then looked around the room. God, his room was a mess. It was partly Chairman’s fault but mostly his. This launch had been stressing him out for a while now and he hasn’t had the time to even organize his bedroom. Of course, Magnus was great at maintaining the loft, but his bedroom was an entirely different story.

“I’m sorry my room is such a mess,” he said quietly.

“It’s fine. I happen to like messy stuff.”

Magnus gave him a skeptical look as if to say “Really? Mr. Alexander do-not-leave-bread-crumbs-on-the-kitchen-counter Lightwood? You like messy?”

“I grew up with Izzy and Jace. I have seen worse. Also, I like messy because it means I get to clean it up. It was annoying at first but I realized I find cleaning to be a bit therapeutic. So, yeah I like messy,” Alec explained.

_Oh my god, he is a keeper. You HAVE to make an honest man out of Mr. Marie Kondo!!!_

“I have an idea,” Alec said as he walked over to his dressing table, “where do you keep your nail polish?”

“Um, third drawer. Why do you ask?” he questioned because he had no idea what his roommate was planning.

Alec opened the drawer, took out Magnus’s box of nail polish collection and walked over to the bed and sat down.

“Do you want to paint my nails?” he asked.

“Do I…what?”

“Do you want to paint my nails?”

“Is this a trick question?” he asked. He honestly couldn’t fathom what brought this on.

“Izzy…whenever she is stressed or restless, likes to paint my nails. It’s usually the night before an exam. She says it calms her down. I thought maybe you’d like to give it a try,” Alec shrugged as it was no big deal.

Expect that it was. Painting someone’s nails at midnight in their bedroom sounded super intimate and romantic in Magnus’ books. Of course, Alec wouldn’t see it that way but for Magnus this was a very big deal.

“Alexander, you don’t have to do it for me.”

“I want to. Honestly, I miss the smell and feel of it on my nails. Don’t tell Izzy.”

Magnus laughed at that and looked at the ridiculous, kind man in front of him as took out his collection.

“I think I’ll go for blue. It’ll bring out your eyes.”

“Sure. Go for it.”

He took Alec’s hand, rested it on his thighs and started painting his nails. Isabelle was right. This was weirdly relaxing and comforting.

_And sexy. Weirdly sexy._

“Do you want me to double-coat it?” he asked.

“Hmm?” Alec replied. He sounded like he was in some other place. Maybe he was sleepy. It was past midnight. He wouldn’t have to deal with all of this nonsense if Magnus had just had dinner and gone to sleep. Why did he have to keep being such a burden for people around him?

_Did he tell you that? So, just stop._

“I mean do you want me to paint over the first coat of nail polish? It will stay longer if I do,” he explained.

“Oh, no thanks. I need to remove it on Friday,” his roommate replied, his voice suddenly anxious.

“What’s on Friday?” he asked.

“I…um. I have dinner with my family,” he said after hesitating, “My parents are not okay with…this.”

Magnus knew that by 'this' he didn’t mean the nail polish, at least not just the nail polish. Alec was there for him and now it was his turn to be there for Alec.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked carefully.

“No,” was all he said.

_Some guys just don’t like to talk about their feelings. Don’t read too much into it._

“Well, it’s going to be fine,” he reassured him not knowing what else to say.

“I hope so too,” Alec said, his voice small. “Can I…ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“How did you…You have been through so much. How did you? How can someone…I don’t understand how…” Alec tried to frame his question.

“You endure what is unbearable, and you bear it. That is all.”

It wasn’t great advice. But it was the truth. It was his truth.

“You are amazing. I hope you know that, Magnus.”

“Well, say that to my latest design,” he scoffed pointing at his iPad next to him.

“He is amazing. I hope you know that, latest design,” Alec said to the iPad.

_Awwww. I love this dork._

No, we don’t. This dork happens to be my roommate. And a good person. So, we are going to leave this dork the fuck alone.

He took Alec’s hands in his and started blowing on them gently when the other man released a soft gasp.

“I’m sorry if my breath is a bit cold. I get cold quite easily at night. But from the look of your cheeks, I can see that you do too,” Magnus said as Alec admired his handiwork.

“Um, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it. Thanks for blowing me. Um, I meant blowing the thing.”

“It was my pleasure,” he winked, “I like blowing things”.

Sue him. There was nothing wrong in platonically flirting with your platonic roommate.

“Can I do you now?” Alec asked.

_Yes, please._

Alec suddenly realized the innuendo and started stuttering all over again.

“I meant, um, can I do your nails? Can I paint your nails?”

Magnus almost screamed yes at that. So, he went ahead and just nodded at Alec’s question cause he didn’t trust his voice. Alec was looking at the nail polish box seriously, with furrowed brows and straight lips. He looked like he was making a very important life decision. Magnus loved how much thought Alec put into the smallest of things.

“Don’t think too much. Just go for whatever colour feels right,” he suggested.

“Uh, I like the purple one. But it has glitter. I noticed that you, um, wear glittery eyeliner to work. So, I am just wondering if it would be…too much of glitter,” Alec said with a concerned tone.

“Oh, Alexander,” Magnus smiled at him and handed over the purple glitter polish, “There is no such thing as too much of glitter.”

His roommate smiled at that and took his hands carefully into his. He started working on his right hand first. Having Alec next to him, concentrating on his fingers, while humming some off-tune song, was weirdly comforting. Magnus realized that it wasn't the nail polish Isabelle found to be relaxing when she was restless. It was her brother's presence. And right now, he couldn't really disagree. With Alec by his side, Magnus felt like the world wasn't conspiring to make him unhappy. 

He also realized that Alec was surprisingly good at applying nail polish. He didn’t stray beyond the lines and there were no smudges.

“I know I know, I am weirdly good at this,” he said as if he read Magnus’ mind, “but you shouldn’t expect anything less from Isabelle’s brother.”

_Can we keep him? Pleeaaasseeeee?_

“So, you wanna talk about what happened at work?” Alec asked before Magnus could compliment Alec on his nail painting skills.

Magnus wanted to. He wanted to tell Alec about Shinyun. About the new project. About how he was nervous about their launch. But if he did, then where does it stop? Magnus didn’t want to be that person who always had problems to complain about. He didn’t want to burden Alec. He had already said too much.

“Just this design I am working on. It’s just…It’s not right,” he said.

_Yeah, according to that bitch Shinyun._

“What’s wrong with it?” Alec asked. He sounded like he genuinely cared and wanted to help.

“There is nothing wrong with it. It’s just…I feel like the design has too much of..."

"Too much of what?"

"Well, too much of...me.”

Alec, who had finished painting his nails, took his ringed fingers and started blowing on them gently.

“Oh, Magnus,” Alec said smiling at him, still holding onto his hands, “There is no such thing as too much of you.”

Okay fine. We can keep this one.

_YAAAAASSSSSSS!_

Alec left the bedroom and came back with food. He asked Magnus to eat, said goodnight and left his room. Magnus put away his iPad, took his phone and sent a text to Clary.

_Fuck Shinyun. Go ahead with the original design, biscuit. xx_

As he finished up that delicious dinner and settled down for the night, he realized something. Something he has been denying in order to protect himself.

Magnus liked Alec. He really liked him. 

But it wasn’t because Alec always complimented him or made him feel better about himself. It wasn't because Alec was good for _him_. It was because Alec was good, period.

But most importantly, he liked Alec because the other man gave him hope. Hope for a future. A future of love, happiness and stability. Alec gave him hope for a new home.

_Home._

Despite the crippling fear of being heartbroken and disappointed again, Magnus wanted Alec in his life - as more than just a platonic roommate. So, he was going to go after this amazing man. 

And who knows what the future holds?

Maybe Alexander Lightwood would not break his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? 
> 
> Find me on tumblr @khaleesiofalicante
> 
> Fun fact: In Ancient Egypt, nail polish was used to signify class rankings. Those in the lower classes wore nude or light colors while the more elite preferred red shades


	7. Caelum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “For so long, I have been thinking about everyone but myself. I was focused on how to be a good son, a good brother, a good student or a good journalist. I think forgot to prioritize myself. I never thought to make myself happy. I always was the person everyone wanted me to be. I went after the things others chose for me. I...I forgot to ask myself who I am and what I wanted” 
> 
> Unexpected visitors, Family dinners, Midnight confessions and other things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was not supposed to write this one so soon but I couldn't get Alec out of my head and had to put his thoughts on paper. So, here it is. 
> 
> Trigger warnings for homophobic content and past trauma. 
> 
> To anyone who is reading this - You are enough. You are so enough. It is unbelievable how enough you are. 
> 
> Happy reading :)

Nock. Draw. Release.

This has been Alec’s mantra over the last decade. Whenever he was tensed, anxious or angry, regardless of how he was feeling, he would always follow Hodge’s advice.

Nock. Draw. Release.

He might not have spent much time with his archery tutor, at least not as much as he would have liked, but during their few sessions, Alec had learned a lot, and whatever he had learned, stayed with him – even after all these years.

His favorite thing about archery was the control. Everything was under his control, which was not something he was used to and therefore was a feeling he deeply valued. Unlike in the football field where everything was one loud chaotic mess, the archery range was quieter. He couldn’t just run around with  a ball hoping to knock off whoever was in his path. In the archery range, it was just him and the target.

Alec believed that learning to shoot an arrow had striking similarities to making big decisions.

 _Nock_ – Take the arrow out of the quiver and assume position.

You take the thought out of your mind. Arrows are so similar to our thoughts. Something small, but heavy. Something simple, yet powerful. Seemingly harmless, yet capable of great damage.

 _Draw_ – Maintain your balance and hold the position. You hold the position until it is time to shoot.

This was the hardest part. Finding the target was never difficult, at least not for Alec. But waiting for the right moment? That took patience, something Alec had to master at a very young age. So, you draw and hold. You hold the thought and contemplate on the consequences. What is this thought? Is it a good one? If I let it out, what would happen? Most importantly, when do I let it out?

 _Release_ – Shoot the arrow.

You let the thought go. People, whenever they say something offensive, have a tendency to say that they didn’t mean it. But Alec had learned in the archery range that wasn’t always true. An archer always knows where his arrow is going to fly. In the same way, we are always aware of the effect our words and actions can have on other people.

Nock. _Breathe in_. Draw. _Hold._ Release. _Breathe out_.

It was a breathing exercise Alec had taught himself. Something that helped calm his nerves. Something that helped find his center. 

He tried his best not to worry about the dinner tonight, but to no one’s surprise, he failed. He even took the day off since he knew he wouldn’t get any work done at _The Institute_. Even Magnus had noticed that something was wrong before he had left for work in the morning.

Magnus.

He would be lying if he denied the fact that they had grown closer in the last couple of weeks. There was something about Magnus that pulled Alec towards him.

_His penis? Which you saw a couple of days ago?_

While it was indeed a nice distraction, Alec couldn’t entertain the thought of a naked Magnus at the moment - which says a lot about how fucking anxious he is right now.

A family dinner? What the fuck does that even mean? Was he even part of the Lightwood family now? Did they invite him because they finally accepted him for who he is? Or is it because they want to officially cut things off? Why? Why all of a sudden?

_You are gonna have to go home to figure that one out, Sherlock._

Expect the fact that he couldn’t bring himself to move. He had taken a shower almost an hour ago and had been sitting on the bed in his towel, trying to figure out what to do.

_Uh, get dressed?_

Yes. Clothes. He needs to get dressed. He cannot be late.

_Also, speaking of towels. I miss the pink little thing. He is now using a boring, unnecessarily long, white one and I blame YOU for it!_

Christ, the pink towel! The incident with that towel had been a fucking disaster.

_Um, what the hell are you talking about? We got to see his dick, bruh!_

While Alec was indeed grateful for that unexpected surprise, that wasn’t part of the original plan. He was supposed to do something nice for Magnus. He had gone out to the store that day during lunch break and had bought a box of glow in the dark stars for his roommate. But he had forgotten about the ridiculously high loft ceilings. Thankfully, Magnus had nevertheless appreciated the gesture and hadn’t made a big deal out of the whole thing.

Oh, I’d say it was a pretty _big_ deal.

He realized that thinking about Magnus helped. He wondered what Magnus would have liked him to wear tonight. He really couldn’t decide for himself. What does one wear to an ambiguous family dinner with their homophobic parents during which one might possibly get disinherited?

_Maybe the funeral suit?_

Alec pulled out a plain white shirt and black trousers. He felt like his dinner attire might be the last thing on the list of discussion topics tonight. While he was trying to button up his shirt, he heard some noise coming from outside. It couldn’t be Magnus since his roommate had mentioned that he would get later than usual because he was busy working on some new product launch. So, this had to be…

“Chairman, are you alright?”

There was no response.

_Are you seriously waiting for the cat to respond???_

Well, the cat usually meowed when Magnus asked that question. Maybe the cat still wasn’t impressed with their new living companion. He walked toward the terrace to see what the little creature was up to.

“Chairman, you are not supposed to-“, he stopped in his tracks when he noticed the stranger, “Um, you are not Chairman.”

_Really? What gave it away?_

The other man ignored him and walked back to the living room as if he didn’t hear Alec. Holy shit, is this guy a thief or something? What kind of thief wears designer shoes?

_Um, a successful one?_

“I’m sorry, who are you?” he asked. Maybe he was a friend of Magnus? Or maybe his boyfriend? Oh my god, what if it was his boyfriend?

_Maybe he is a serial killer. Let’s hope he’ll kill you, so I don’t have to deal with this anymore._

Well, if he dies, then there is no need to attend the family dinner. So…silver lining?

_Mysterious and pale stranger in designer shoes, please kill him._

“No hablo ingles,” the other man said as he carried a pot plant towards the terrace.

_It’s the plant dude!!!_

“You’re the plant dude!” he exclaimed, somewhat over-enthusiastically.

“Excuse me?”

“You’re Raphael. Magnus’ friend that brings him plants. I know you speak English. Magnus has told me a lot about you,” he explained hurriedly. Magnus had mentioned that Raphael could be a bit of an… Well, his roommate had used the term ‘ _asshole_.’ But Alec, who went to an all boys school in New York, knows an asshole when he sees one. This man wasn’t one, although he looked eternally-pissed.

_Ugh, it's called a resting bitch face, you uncultured swine._

“I see Magnus has yet again failed to keep his big mouth shut,” Raphael huffed out as he placed the new pot next to a beautiful plant with purple flowers.

“Well, thank god because I thought you were a thief,” Alec laughed lamely.

“What kind of thief brings stuff into house instead of taking them out?” Raphael asked with an incredulous expression on his face, “I assume you are the roommate. I was hoping no one would be here when I dropped these off. Don’t you have a job?”

“Um, I do. I happen to be off today,” he explained. He heard Raphael mutter something like ‘kermit’ as he walked toward the rest of the plants. There were only a couple left.

“Would you like some help?” he asked quickly.

“Yes, please. I’d like to finish up so I can leave the loft and this conversation as soon as possible,” Raphael said as he handed him one of the pots.

_Sheesh._

They carried the pots silently to the terrace, where Raphael placed them both next to the a row of aloe vera pots.

“Hey, do you have any cameras set up here?” Alec asked all of a sudden, remembering Magnus’ accusation.

“No,” Raphael said after a beat, his eyes briefly averting toward the cacti.

_He hesitated!!!_

“What are the new ones you brought?” he asked curiously as his knowledge on plants was as good as his opinion on designer clothes.

“You’ll have to ask Magnus. It will take another couple of months for them to blossom. They are winter plants. He’ll figure it out,” he said, looking over all the blossomed plants  in the terrace with a pensive look.

“You are a good man, Raphael,” Alec said because he genuinely meant it. For a second, he was envious of Magnus for having such good friends then smiled when he remembered Simon’s stupid, kind face. “Thank you for looking out for Magnus. I appreciate it.”

The other man looked at him oddly for a minute before taking out his wallet and handing out his card, “If you ever need it, my number is right there.”

Oh no.

Raphael was cute with his designer shoes and murderous smolders. But Alec couldn’t do that to his roommate - especially when he was head over heels for said roommate.

“Uhhh, that’s very…flattering. But…I’m not…I already…Thank you…However…Magnus…See, the thing is…Right now…the situation…Um, I like someone else.”

_Oh, honey. No._

“Ew. Did you think I was…Ugh, gross. I gave my number in case you need it for Magnus. If he does something…stupid or whatever. Do not call this number unless Magnus is dying or dead,” he said in an exasperated tone, as if he regretted his decision, and left the loft without another word.

_I really hope the cactus camera caught all of that because THAT was gold!_

He had just met one of Magnus' friends for the first time and had already made a bad impression. Great going, Lightwood!

His name reminded him that there was some place he had to be in less than an hour.

Nock. Draw. Release.

He let out a deep breath, finished getting dressed, locked up the loft and walked towards the subway. As soon as he got in the train, he texted Izzy that he was on the way. The fact that his siblings were going to be there tonight was the only consolation. He tried listening to music for a bit. He even tried to entertain himself by reading the posters on impotence, but nothing helped. So, instead he decided to think about all the ways tonight could go wrong. It was going to go phenomenally wrong anyway, so he might as well prepare himself now.

_All this negative energy is not good for my pores!_

In Alec’s mind the _best_ _outcome_ would be no one discussing anything. Everyone probably eats their dinner quietly while Jace rants about his training routine and Alec can run back to the loft.

Of course, then there is the _ideal outcome_.

His parents would apologize for years of mistreatment and accept him for who he is. They would all talk about how to move on from here and even joke about how Max, if he were there, would have compared the whole drama to some comic book he had read recently. But Alec was neither naive or optimistic enough to entertain that possibility.

Then there was the worst case scenario. It would start with some passive aggressive complaints from his mother about his ‘absence’ (as if they didn’t kick him out of their own volition) and would move onto a speech from his father about what a massive fucking disappoint he is and would end with the grand finale – Alec getting disinherited.

While the whole thought process was quite morbid, it did help pass the time. He reached his stop and started walking towards their home. He realized he had never walked any slower in his entire life. Each step was heavy with fear and hesitation. When he reached the front door, he pressed the bell twice.

Nock. Draw. Release.

Izzy opened the door and immediately pulled him into a hug.

“It’s going to be okay, Alec,” she whispered. She sounded like she was trying to convince herself more than him.

They walked toward the dining room together where his family was already seated. He wasn’t late. But his parents liked to be extra early for everything to make others feel about bad about being on time. Making people feel guilty over absolutely nothing was their specialty.

“Alec, you look…plain. I thought you people liked to dress up,” his mother commented as he sat down.

_Well, that didn’t take long at all._

“Maryse, please don’t joke about these things,” his father responded, his voice quiet but stern.

“How is everything at the loft, bro? All good?” Jace asked, already filling his plate.

“All good,” Alec replied curtly. He knew his brother was trying to help but Alec couldn’t get more than two words out of his mouth at a time.

“I read your article on the aftermath of Sebastian’s arms deal. Alec, it was absolutely amazing. I am so proud of you!” Izzy said. He knew what she was doing. She had called the day the article was published to congratulate him. This was merely an attempt to put his parents in a good mood. He even noticed that she was wearing an extra short dress and too much makeup - an obvious attempt at diverting the attention away from him. He loved his sister so much and hated the fact that he was putting her through this.

The dinner conversation was entirely dominated by Izzy and Jace, both of whom were talking about school and training respectively. His parents did not comment or question as they usually did. But Alec couldn’t complain since he would rather have nothing than something in this specific situation. Maybe things wouldn’t go south tonight. Maybe this was just an attempt to piece things together.

_No! You jinxed it!_

After finishing their dinner, their mother went back to the kitchen to bring dessert. She served Alec a cup of chocolate mousse. He smiled at her, as it has been his favorite since he was a kid. He realized this was the first time he had smiled since he stepped into the house that evening. But that smile immediately disappeared when he glanced at the brochure she laid next to the mousse.

“I got this from a friend at work. I said you needed it because you were writing an article about it,” his mom said, “I am told it will help.”

“Help with what?” Izzy asked.

“It’s a conversion camp. Apparently there are many men out there who have been led astray. But we need not worry since it is not a permanent condition. Alec will get back to his old self in no time, with the right treatment of course.” Maryse explained to everyone in the room, although her gaze was fixed on him.

“Treatment?” Jace inquired as he grabbed the brochure from Alec and flipped through it. “Aversion therapy? Are you kidding me? These people use electric shocks and shit!”

“Language, Jonathan,” his father chastised. “We are doing what is best for our family.”

Nock. Draw. Release.

“It is run by a church and is located quite far away from New York, I made sure of that. You’ll have to take some time off work, Alec. You can use your sick leave, of course,” his mother suggested.

“He is not sick!” Izzy screamed. “Why are you sending him there? We don’t even go to church!”

“Well, it looks like we all might have to, thanks to your dear brother,” their mother screamed right back.

“Why are you doing this? He doesn’t even live here anymore!” Jace pleaded. It was odd to see his brother plead for things instead of demanding them.

“It doesn’t matter where he lives! We can’t have this sort of behavior associated with the family name. People will talk!”

“Fuck people!”

“Jonathan, this is a final warning. Watch your language or-”

“Or what?” Izzy cried. “Or what? Alec doesn’t need the Lightwood name! You can keep it.”

“He no longer has a choice! After his little exposé on Valentine, everyone knows who he is. Everyone knows his name. Of course, you had to do a job that would put us in more trouble. Now everyone who reads that good-for-nothing paper knows who you are,” his mother seethed.

When Alec had written that exposé on Valentine and helped the NYPD with his subsequent arrest, he had thought of it as the happiest moment in his life – at least until he had come home and told his parents the news, who had been massively disappointed that he had aided the downfall of one of their ‘esteemed’ colleagues.

That was the day when Alec realized he would never have that moment.

The moment when you are so fucking happy; when everything inside you lights up at the same time. Yes, life sucks and there are problems to deal with. But in that moment, it’s just you and your happiness. You are so goddamn happy that you literally forget everything else. Despite whatever you are going through, in that moment, you are the happiest person alive. You are just so fucking happy, it makes you think ‘you know what? If I were to die right now, I would die a happy man.’

Alec had never felt that in his entire life and he probably never will.

When he came here tonight he had thought that the worst possible thing that could happen was his parents disinheriting him – taking away the Lightwood name. He knew that they would try and erase a part of his identity, but he didn't realise that it was his sexuality that they wanted gone, not his last name. They were fine with him being a Lightwood, as long as he was not a gay one.

"You have done enough to sabotage our family name, Alec," his mother said. "Now you will do whatever you can to repair it."

Izzy, who was sobbing gently, stood up suddenly. Her face was red and wet.

“You know what? If Max was here tonight-”

“WELL HE IS NOT!” his father bellowed. “I am glad Max is not here tonight because if he were, this abomination would have poisoned that little child’s mind too!”

At that, his mother let out a loud sob and ran to her room. Jace gave Alec a helpless look and followed her to the room.

Nock. Draw. Release.

“I think you should leave now,” his father said, still not look at him. He had avoided looking at Alec throughout dinner as if the mere sight of his son offended him.

“But dad,” Izzy cried.

“That’s enough, Isabelle. Go to your room.”

Alec nodded at her silently, asking her to leave. She had fought and she had lost. She walked to her room, drying the tears away from her face.

His father walked to the front door and held it open, the brochure forgotten on the dining table. Alec walked towards the entrance, his steps slower than before as if they knew. His feet knew that once he walked through that door, he might not be allowed back in ever again. He stepped out the door and turned back.

“Dad,” he said, his voice dry and hoarse - a side effect, he realized, that happens when you hold back your tears for way too long. “About Max. You know I am sorry that he died but I would never…”

“It should have been you,” his father said, looking at Alec right in the eyes for the first time that night, as closed the door in his face.

He didn’t know when or how he ended up in the terrace. He wasn’t sure how long he had been sitting on that couch all on his own. He didn’t even notice that he was shivering until Magnus walked in with his Mickey Mouse blanket and wrapped it around him.

“How long have you been out here?” Magnus asked softly, as he sat down beside him.

Knock. Hold...

“I remembered tonight was your family dinner,” Magnus continued carefully when there was no response.

Knock. Hold...

“Alexander, is everything alright?”

Knock. Hold...

“Darling,” Magnus said cupping his face, “You need to release your breath. You have to breathe out.”

Release.

“Is everything alright?” Magnus asked again.

“It should have been me,” he said.

“What?” Magnus asked.

“It should have been me," he said louder this time because it was true.

“What should have been you?”

“Max. He…He shouldn’t have died. It should have been me.”

It should been him. God, it should been him.

_Alec, please._

Everything would have been so much easier for everyone, if it had been him that night.

“Max…” Magnus asked confused.

“He is my brother. He…was my little brother. He died in a car accident a year ago.” Alec explained. “It should have been me, Magnus.”

“And why do you think so?” Magnus asked, tightening the blanket around him.

_Yeah, Alec! Why? Why are you doing this to yourself?_

“Everyone would have been happier if it were me. Nobody would have missed me,” Alec confessed.

“Did something happen at dinner?” Magnus asked carefully.

So, Alec told him. He told him everything. About Max. About the camp. About his parents. About everything.

“Why didn’t you tell me any of this before, that night when I told you about my mother?” Magnus asked, not unkindly.

“Magnus…You have suffered so much. You have been almost killed…abused and heartbroken. This is nothing compare to what you have been through. I didn’t want to-”

“Suffering is not a competition, Alexander,” Magnus said. “Just because I have been through something worse, it doesn’t mean what you are going through hurts any less.”

“I just wish it was me,” Alec said, tears streaming through both eyes.

"Do you? Do you really?" Magnus asked. 

"It shouldn't have been Max," was all he could say. 

"No, it shouldn't have. But it is what it is," the other man offered. "I know you think things would be easier for other people if it were you, but I disagree. Who would hold back Jace from trying to fight ducks? Who would paint Izzy's nails before the exam? Who would confiscate Sharon's phone so he can't look for Star Wars spoilers? Who would stop me from using my pink towel again?"

"I thought you threw it away," Alec said with a small laugh. 

"Nah. I kept it for a raining day," Magnus replied.

_Alec, did you hear that? My baby survived!_

"Despite what you might think, everyone's life is better with Alec Lightwood in it. I can't speak for others, but I will definitely miss you if you were gone," Magnus confessed. 

This man. 

"Thank you, Magnus," Alec said, wiping away his tears with the back of his hand. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cry.”

“There is nothing wrong with crying,” Magnus said as he wiped Alec’s cheeks with the blanket.

_Say that to the dick back at home._

“My father said that boys don’t cry”, Alec explained, “He used to tell us that it makes us weak.”

Alec stills remembers the last day he cried - the day he had won his first archery championship in school. He had run towards his father hoping to hug him tight but had been slapped instead.

“Boys don’t cry, Alec. Not when they are sad. Not when they are happy. Are you a girl? Wipe away those tears right now! What is the point in winning this pointless competition if you are going to cry and prove to your peers that you are a weak?” his father had said that night.

The words stuck to him so much that even as they buried Max’s body at his funeral, he did not let out a single tear. Neither did Jace or his father – because Lightwood men did not cry.

“Crying does not mean you are weak. We only cry when we deeply care about something or someone,” Magnus said softly, “And caring for someone? That’s never a weakness, Alexander. That’s the biggest strength there is.”

“You can’t change what happened. I know you wish it was you. But I, for one, think that you should go ahead and live your life. Be the man little Max was proud of,” Magnus continued.

“You didn’t even know him,” Alec pointed out.

“No. But I know you.”

_Listen to the wise man in the shiny suit, Alec._

“I also know Isabelle and Jace. They are so proud of who you are, “Magnus reminded him, “There is nothing wrong with you, Alexander.”

“Say that to my parents,” Alec replied.

“I won’t. But you will. One day.” Magnus promised.

Will he? Will he ever stand up to his parents? Would he ever fight for himself?

“You should have seen me. They said so many things…So many horrible things. I didn’t…I didn’t say a word. I couldn’t.”

_Oh, but you tried._

He did try. He tried so hard to tell his parents that he wasn’t sick, that he didn’t need treatment. That he was just like everyone else. But none of the words came out.

“You are a writer, Alexander. When the time comes, you will find the right words,” Magnus said.

“I wish I had told Max. He didn’t know…I didn’t tell him. I wanted to but then he…Now it is too late,” Alec confessed.

It would always be one of his biggest regrets – that Max never knew him. 

“Well, you could always talk to him – even now. Who is to say he is not listening?” Magnus asked.

_Hey, you think we could…_

They could. Maybe Alec could still talk to Max. Tell him all the things he wanted to say.

“Do you think he is out there too?” Magnus asked pointing at the stars.

Today, the sky was relatively empty, but there were still a few stars that were blinking at him.

“I don’t know. But if he is, then he is in good hands,” Alec responded honestly, which made Magnus smile.

If Magnus’ mother gave Max even half the love she had given Magnus, his brother would be the brightest little star in the sky.

“I know that you are not what your parents expect or what society might approve of. But you are perfect, I hope you know that,” Magnus said quietly.

“Really? Even if I wear cargo pants?”

“Even if you wear cargo pants,” Magnus confirmed and took hold of his hand.

At that moment, Alec thought about his life, about every single decision he had made. He realized that for most of his life, he nocked the arrow, pulled back but never released. He never released the arrows because someone always said something. They said it was the wrong arrow or he was aiming at the wrong target or that he is not good enough to hit the bullseye. He drew back the bow string and held on tight until his arms ached and fingers went numb. Alec kept holding on, never letting go. He never went after what he wanted. He never got to hit his target. He never released. 

But not anymore.

_Time to shoot your arrows, babe._

Nock. Draw. Release.

“For so long, I have been thinking about everyone but myself. I was focused on how to be a good son, a good brother, a good student or a good journalist. I think forgot to prioritize myself. I never thought to make myself happy. I always was the person everyone wanted me to be. I went after the things others chose for me. I...I forgot to ask myself who _I_ am and what _I_ wanted” Alec said.

“Alexander, you can always figure it-”

“No. I know it now,” he said, because he did.

“Is that so?” Magnus asked, “And who are you?”

“I am Alec Lightwood.”

“And what do you want, Alec Lightwood?”

Alec looked at the man in front of him, held his face carefully with both his hands, leaned in and kissed him on the lips. He kissed Magnus because that's what he wanted. That's what made him happy. He didn't want to hold on to that arrow any longer. 

Magnus pulled away after a moment, his eyes startled and shining. He searched for something in Alec's eyes and probably found what he was looking for because the next thing Alec knew, Magnus pulled him closer and was kissing him again.  

At that moment Alec couldn’t help but think ‘you know what? If I were to die right now, I would die a happy man.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?
> 
> I hang out on tumblr @khaleesiofalicante if you want to talk.
> 
> Fun fact: Cacti have certain acoustic properties, meaning you can literally play the cactus.


	8. Grus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Christ! Why is it so tight?"
> 
> “I told you! You need to loosen it up!”
> 
> “Magnus, stop licking around!”
> 
> First times, Danish pastries, Indonesian summers and other things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is for all of us because we deserve good things.
> 
> Happy reading :)

~~~~“Christ! Why is it so tight?"

“I told you! You need to loosen it up!”

“Magnus, stop licking around!”

“But it’s so yummy!”

“Are you sure we are doing this right?”

“Trust me, Alexander. I have a lot of experience in this field.”

“I’m worried it might get too hard.”

“Don’t worry, I’ve got everything under control. I have magical hands.”

“Magnus, did you just put it in your mouth? Again???”

“What? No!”

“I can see the frosting on your face!”

Fuck. Magnus quickly wiped the chocolate off and continued to stir the frosting. It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon and Magnus had thought it would be nice to bake some brownies. Alec had been skeptical about the whole thing and had suggested that they should just buy some ice-cream for dessert.

_Ice-cream? Instead of brownies?  What is wrong with him?_

“You just don’t peg me as the type who bakes.” Alec had said when Magnus brought up the idea.

“And pray tell, what does the baking type look like?” he asked.

“I don’t know. I’ve never seen you cook before,” Alec replied, still looking very much concerned.

“Oh, Alexander. Just you wait. I am about to blow your mind.”

_Seriously though? You couldn’t think of something better to blow?_

Oh, Magnus had thought about that a lot. But he willed himself to take things slow, for Alec’s sake. They had sat down and had a chat last week about the kiss and what it meant. It had been slightly awkward, but he knew good communication is the cornerstone of every successful relationship.

_Good communication? Wow, that's hot!_

_Hold the fuck up. Did you just say relationship?_

Well, he didn’t know what exactly to call it. Alec had confessed that he had never been in a relationship before. Therefore, Magnus had suggested that they should casually date to see how things go.

_Casual dating? What the fuck does that even mean?_

That’s when people date…casually. He doesn't exactly know what it means either. He thought they could just play it by ear and see what happens. 

_Sounds like a plan for a gigantic disaster._

He didn't think so. Not really. Everything has been going great so far. Ever since they started dating, which was only about a week ago, he has been expecting them to start acting differently around each other. But everything was exactly the same as it was before. Nothing really changed between the two of them. Well, except for the kissing.

_Yeah, yall do that a lot and that is NOT a complaint._

Magnus was stunned when he heard that the kiss in the terrace was Alec’s first. Who wouldn’t want to kiss that gorgeous man?

_I've got no clue, homie. But those bitches are missing out on some seriously good shit!_

Kissing Alec felt like…It felt like the summer in Indonesia. He loved the summer time in his home country. Magnus doesn’t remember much from his childhood, but he remembers the summer. He remembers how it felt. Eating an ice-cream on a scorching day; the ache in your legs after running along the beach; the first hit of water when you dive into the pond; the evening wind in your face as you watch the sunset; floating weightlessly in the ocean; digging your toes into the sand; falling asleep under the shade of the coconut trees.

Kissing Alec was all of this, but at once.

He suddenly realized that he would spend the rest of his life kissing Alec if he could.

_Rest of your life? I thought this was ‘casual’?_

It was! But Magnus couldn’t help but imagine a future with Alec. He couldn’t help but think that Alec might be ‘The One’.

Magnus had been told that when you find the love of your life, they turn your world upside down – that everything around you suddenly becomes more alive and beautiful. He had been told that being in love made you feel excited, intense and daring. That’s what he had felt when he was with Camille. But now Magnus couldn’t figure out whether he actually felt that way or it was because he expected to feel all those things.

But Alec…Alec didn’t turn Magnus’ world upside down. Nothing about his world changed – The world just started to make sense. Alec did not make everything around Magnus feel alive and beautiful. Alec helped him understand that everything around him had _always_ been alive and beautiful – Alec had made him realize that _he_ is beautiful. Loving Alec did not feel exciting or intense. It felt like…Alec himself – calm, steady and right.

“Are you done stirring?” Alec asked, coming up behind him. He hugged him tightly from the waist and rested his chin on Magnus’ shoulders.  

“Yes,” he answered and placed a kiss on the other man’s cheek.

“What was that for?” Alec inquired, rubbing the spot on his cheek absently with his thumb.

“For your hard work,” Magnus replied cheekily.

“Magnus, I just opened the sugar jar,” Alec laughed.

“Hmmm. Since you believe you didn’t earn it, why don’t you give it back?” he suggested.

Alec laughed again and returned the kiss, “You are such a Danish pastry!”

_Wait, what?_

“I am what now?” Magnus asked.

“A Danish pastry. Izzy said that people are who adorable are called Danish pastries,” Alex explained. “Why? Is it not a thing anymore?”

_Oh my god!!_

“Alexander, did Isabelle say ‘cinnamon roll’?

“Um…possibly”, he said after thinking for a moment. “Sorry, I am not really good at this.”

“No need to apologize. I like Danish pastry better.” Magnus winked and switched off the stove.

This is what being with Alec felt like – easy and natural. Neither of them had to try in order to make it work, it just did.

“Everything looks good,” Alec said, releasing a deep breath.

“Stop worrying, Mr. Frownie!,” Magnus chastised,  “I might not have baked for a long time but I can still remember how to make brownies.”

“Why did you stop baking?” Alec asked while he added sugar to the mixture.

Why indeed. Magnus used to bake every weekend and take it over to his friends or give it to the orphanage in Brooklyn – the one he had helped found a few years ago. But when he had started dating Camille, she banned him from eating and even making anything that had sugar. Magnus liked baking not because of the sweets but because the process helped him relax. More than that, he loved seeing the faces of the little ones at _Crimson Hand_ every time he walked in with a treat for them. Once when he had asked Camille to join him on a visit to the orphanage, she had asked him to stop being “so extra” in order to compensate for his “shitty past”.

_Ugh, please stop thinking about her. It's literally giving me wrinkles!_

But can he? Can he stop thinking about her? Will he ever be able to get pass what she had done? How she had made him feel? How they had all made him feel? For fuck’s sake, he can’t even bake some brownies without feeling sorry for himself.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Alec asked, bringing him to the present.

“Nothing. Just...Camille wasn’t very happy about it. She said I had to find healthier coping mechanisms,” Magnus shrugged. She never did realize that it was not the sugar that made him feel better, but rather the act of giving itself.

He had no one to help him when he was a helpless child and now that he had much more than he needed, he wanted to give. He didn't want another a child to go through what he did. "So, I stopped baking."

Alec scowled at that and started stirring the butter a bit aggressively. Magnus walked towards him and held him by the shoulders.

“It’s in the past now,” he reassured the other man.

_Is it? Is it really?_

“You shouldn’t punish yourself for other people’s mistakes” Alec said, his blue eyes staring into his gold-green ones.

“Okay,” was all he could say in response.

“Promise me. Tell me that you won’t hurt yourself or deprive yourself of happiness because of other people’s stupidity. Promise me that you won’t punish yourself,” Alec said. He sounded desperate and urgent, something Magnus has never heard in his voice.

“I won’t punish myself for other people’s mistakes,” Magnus promised. He didn’t know if it was a promise he could keep but he would try. He would try his damn best for his Alexander.

“How about you? How come you never baked anything?” Magnus asked.

_Way to change the topic, idiot!_

“It was mostly Izzy. She baked a lot of things but none of it was edible. Once she baked chocolate chip cookies and Jace used them to break the padlocks in the front gate,” Alec said, laughing at the fond memory. “We used to cook together a lot. Until...Max’s ‘incident’.”

“Incident?”

“Our therapist said we should not use the words like ‘death’ or ‘accident’ since they have too much negativity,” Alec explained.

_What kind of horseshit is that?_

“When something bad happens, pretending like it didn’t happen is not going to help you move on,” Magnus said softly. He knew Alec was still healing and he wanted to help. He wanted to help in any way he can. “You shouldn’t ignore it or bury it down. You learn how to live with it.”

“Is that what you did? After your mom’s incid…After her death. Did you learn to live with it?” Alec asked, his voice equally soft and small.

“I tried. I am still trying. I taught myself to carry it with me every day. Never said it was a walk in the park, Alexander,” he said, not wanting to give the other man false hope. “But with time, it gets easier. It feels less like a baggage and more like a...tote bag.”

“Okay,” Alec said smiling at him, “I think I can carry a tote bag.”

“I know. I’ve seen your arms,” Magnus teased giving Alec’s bicep a little squeeze. The other man shivered a little, his face going slightly red.

“I swear to god, that little fiend!” he suddenly said, “He probably opened the window again.”

“What are you talking about? Alec asked.

“Chairman Meow. He keeps opening the windows randomly! Your face has gone all red in the December cold. I’m going to teach that little rascal-”

“Magnus, Chairman is sleeping in my room,” Alec interrupted. “And the windows are too high up for him to open.”

“Then why do you keep getting cold?” Magnus asked confused. Was there something wrong with the loft temperature? Magnus never had a problem with it. Maybe Alec had really sensitive skin?

_Oh for the lov... You know what? I’m gonna enjoy this a little more._

Alec rolled his eyes, something he often does Magnus had come to notice, pointed to Magnus’ grip on his biceps and then to his face.

Oh.

Ohhhhhhhhhhh.

_And the penny drops!_

“Magnus? What’s wrong? Your face is all red. Oh no…Did someone leave the window open?” Alec teased.

“Oh shut up,” Magnus said, pulling the other man into a kiss. It was just an ordinary kiss, one shared in the middle of a messy kitchen, but nothing about it felt ordinary. Magnus realized that never in all these years had the loft felt like this…like home.

“Back to work,” Alec said, booping Magnus on the nose and carried on to mix the eggs into the batter.

"Hey! No more licking!" Alec smacked him gently with the wooden spoon when Magnus tried to sneak a taste of the batter. So, instead he took out his phone and put on some music. ‘Lemonade’ started playing and Alec made a disgruntled noise. 

“What’s wrong?” Magnus asked.

“Nothing. Just not a fan of this song,” Alec shrugged while stirring. 

_Um, excuse me?_

“What’s wrong with the song?” Magnus asked carefully. Let’s not jump to conclusions here. Maybe he didn’t like the music video or something.

“Nothing. Jace used to force me to listen to her songs when we were young. Simon too,” Alec shuddered.

_Men with fine taste, I see._

“You don’t like Beyoncé?” he asked, trying to sound nonchalant as possible.

“Nah. I think she is overrated.”

_WHAT THE FUCK DID HE JUST SAY???_

“Magnus, are you okay? You are not blinking,” Alec asked worriedly.

He didn’t know how he was going to react to this piece of information but he certainly didn’t expect to laugh out loud - so much so that he actually started tearing up a bit.

_Stop laughing, asshole! You don’t deserve to be the leader of ‘Beyoncé’s Bae-bies’._

“Magnus, you are scaring me! What is it?”

“Oh my god…” he breathed out when he was finally able to control his laughter. “For months, I have been trying to figure out how a human being could be so perfect, without a single flaw! And now I have found it!”

“Not liking Beyoncé is a flaw?” Alec asked confused.

“A fatal flaw,” Magnus said, booping Alec back on the nose.

_I don’t know what kind of softie YOU have become but I will NEVER forgive this betrayal!!!_

Magnus poured the batter into the tray and quickly sneaked in a final taste with his finger. For some reason, he had always liked the batter more than the actual brownies. He placed the tray in the oven and set the timer. When he turned around, Alec was looking at him with a whimsical look, a small smile playing on his lips. He wished he could read what was going on in the other man’s head.

_He is probably thinking about some low-life band he likes to listen to. Traitor!_

“If you are going to be sneaky, you have to be careful,” Alec said as he walked over, leaned down and gently licked Magnus’ jaw.

“You had some batter on your face,” Alec explained while Magnus was trying to process what had just happened. 

_Okay fine. I guess I’ll let this one pass. I mean, we can't expect everyone to like Beyoncé..._

Magnus took the batter bowl, wiped it clean with his fingers and smeared it across Alec’s lips.

“Looks like you have some batter on your face too,” he said as he helped the other man clean the mess on his lips with his own.

Alec pulled back after a minute, holding Magnus’ face in both his hands as he usually did with that soft smile on his face, and whispered “Danish pastry” before leaning into kissing him again.

They made out for a while, as the kitchen filled with laughter, love and the glorious smell of chocolate, until they were rudely interrupted by the oven. Magnus put on the mitts, walked over and took the tray out.

“Oh my god! It smells amazing!” Alec groaned ad Magnus tried not to think about the sound of Alec groaning in other circumstances. “Do you wanna cut it?” he asked quickly.

While Alec was cutting the brownies into little pieces, Magnus wondered what it would be like to have this forever. He wondered what his mom would make of them. He wondered if he would be lucky enough to have Alec by his side for the rest of life. He wondered how he could be too much for other people and just right for one man.

Magnus wanted to remember this moment forever, the first time they cooked together. He wanted to remember all their firsts. And their seconds, and thirds and everything that came after that. He wanted to cherish them all – because that’s what Alec made him feel like. He made him feel like every time matters.

“Ready for the first taste?” Magnus asked.

“Um, how about we give a piece to Chairman first?” Alec suggested.

“Alexander!”

“Alright. Alright,” he said as he took a bite and started making obscene moans. Magnus literally had to take a minute to gather himself.

“This is the best thing I have ever tasted,” Alec said with a mouthful.

“Oh wait till you taste the main course,” Magnus teased as he winked.

“Can’t wait,” Alec winked back.

_Yall are the worst!_

He took a quick picture of Alec holding the plate of brownies and posted it on his Instagram. As they both treated themselves to the delicious slices of heaven, his Instagram started to blow up.

 **baneofmylife** Took a quick pic of the sweetest thing in the loft. And look – he made brownies!

 **nolessthan7inches** @archerboy I didn’t know you could bake?!?! I would have given you some pointers!!

 **archerboy** I just opened the jars and stirred the frosting.

 **goldisbold** @archerboy Is that a euphemism for something?

 **kittycat** Looks like I have been missing out on a lot of “sweet” things.

 **losethisaccount** @kittycat please come back soon

 **simonsolo** @archerboy you never made me brownies :(

 **yerawizardclary** @baneofmylife my cavities!!!!

 **didnotfall** @archerboy please make sure @baneofmylife does not lick the plate.

“God, this was so good,” Alec complimented him again. “You are a good cook.”

“And to think that I didn’t even use my special brownie ingredient,” Magnus winked.

“Sprinkles? Yeah, that might have been too sweet,” Alec replied.

_Oh my sweet summer child._

They spent the rest of the afternoon feeding each other brownies and talking about ‘overrated’ artists. Magnus realized that they had made too many brownies and asked if they should put the rest in the fridge for later.

“Yeah, we could do that,” Alec hesitated. “Or, um…There is this orphanage in Brooklyn that I go visit. It’s actually quite close by. It’s called _Crimson Hand_ , I don’t know if you’ve heard of it. Maybe we could give the rest to the kids there? Would you like that?”

He looked at Alec and wondered where he had been all this time.

After all the stumbling around and searching, and here it is.

This one. This one fits.

“Alexander,” he said “I would love that.”

And I love you.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?
> 
> Come find me on tumblr @khaleesiofalicante
> 
> Fun fact: The Danish pastries did not originate in Denmark. The Danes would not recognize the treat as the name is an Americanism.


	9. Scorpius

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When he had asked for their advice on what to get Magnus, they had both screamed “YOU” at him. Jace even suggested that Alec should put a bow on himself and just wait for Magnus on his bed. 
> 
> Birthday planning, Shopping dates, Harsh choices and other things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for homophobic content. 
> 
> This one was the hardest to write so far. 
> 
> Happy reading :)

_Glittery eyeliner?_

No. He has plenty of those.

_Rolex?_

Not sentimental enough.

_Perfume?_

Ugh.

_A mesh shirt?_

…No.

That last option did sound quite appealing, at least to Alec’s eyes. But it wasn’t good enough – not for Magnus’ birthday. Nothing was! He has been racking his brain for the last two days to find the perfect gift for Magnus but he couldn’t come up with anything!

_How about a gift voucher for a spa day?_

No! That was something anyone could think of. Alec wanted his gift to be special. He wanted Magnus to know how much he loved him and cared about him.

Maybe he should get him a new towel? It already had a personal signi-

_Stop trying to get him new towels! What is wrong with you? Let me live!_

Alec has dealt with dangerous criminals, overbearing parents and unreasonable bosses. But buying a gift for Magnus seemed like the hardest thing he has ever done. It was not easy to buy a gift for someone who literally had everything. He did do some research online but it didn't help either.

_Of course it didn’t help! How would Google know the answer to “what to buy rich, hot roommate who I am casually dating?”_

For some weird reason, his Google expedition had led him to some kinky adult toy store and he had closed the tab as soon as he opened it.

_Liar! I saw you clicking on those gold handcuffs!_

That was an accident! He had accidently clicked on it.

_Oh really? Did you accidently bookmark that page too?_

Okay fine. He was saving it for a rainy day. That and maybe even the mesh shirt perhaps. But he was not going to give either of those to Magnus on his birthday  - at least not the first birthday they are going to celebrate as boy-

_Boys who are “casually dating?”_

Yeah, that.

_Ugh! You people are insane!_

Alec didn’t really know what the hell he was doing as it was all very new. But Magnus, who was nothing if not patient and understanding, had suggested that they should take things slow. He didn’t really know what 'taking things slow' meant but he was pretty sure that handcuffs in the bedroom was not something you should suggest on the first date.

Their first date.

Alec was the one to ask Magnus first. Of course, they were just 'casually dating' but there was nothing wrong with wanting to have a 'casual dinner' with Magnus.

H _ey, Alec! Why don't you casually go fuc-_

So, he had asked Magnus if he would like to have dinner this Saturday. Of course, they have had dinner together plenty of times, but it was always in the loft – not that there was anything wrong with it.

But he wanted…more.

He wanted more with Magnus. He wanted to take Magnus out. He wanted to give him the world. So he had asked the other man out.

“Oh. This Saturday is not good for me, Alexander. How about next week?” Magnus had asked.

There was something in his voice that had nagged Alec. It was the voice people took when they had something to hide. It’s what people sounded like when they try to be insouciant. Maybe Magnus was regretting the whole thing? Maybe he didn’t want to go on an official date? Maybe Magnus didn’t want to be his boyfriend?

_Hey, dumbass! How about you ask him?_

“Um, sure. Are you busy this weekend? Is it the product launch you were talking about?” he had asked. Damn it! Now his voice mirrored Magnus. 

“Uh no. I’ve got that covered,” Magnus replied.

Then what is it? What is so important that we can’t go on a date? Are you having second thoughts? Do you not want to date me? Am I not good enough? Have you figured that out yet?

_Alec. Please! Calm down. You are spiraling!_

Nock. Draw. Release.

“Then what is it?”

“Itismybirthday.”

“What was that?”

Magnus let out a deep sigh and had said, “It’s my birthday on Saturday.”

Alec was thrown so off-guard, it literally took him a minute to gather himself. This was not what he had expected at all.

“Why didn’t you just tell me?” Alec had asked once he walked over to his boyf...to the boy he was casually dating.

_Oh for fuck’s sake!_

“First of all, it’s a really random fact to say about one’s self. How would I even do that?” Magnus asked with exaggerated annoyance. 

The only reason the other man knew his birthday was because he had seen it on his driver’s license which Alec had accidently left on the coffee table. He was going to ask Magnus about his birthday but was interrupted when the other man had started to talk about how Alec was such a virgo and had dragged him out to the terrace to point out more constellations.

“Hey, Alexander! Good morning to you too! Oh by the way, did you know that I am celebrating the day I was born this Saturday? Oh yes, I am,” Magnus stated dramatically, “Ugh. That sounds so vain, even for me!”

Alec stopped the little theatrical act by moving forward and cupping Magnus’ face in both his hands. He didn't realize the significance of the gesture the first time he had done it, but now he knew.

When they were kids, Alec and Jace had been quite competitive. Jace was new to their home and they were both seeking approval from their parents. So they always tried to one-up each other. They used to play this stupid game where they would lift heavy things to show who was the strongest. Alec remembered lifting all sorts of things in the house to prove himself. He once even walked into the living room lifting Izzy over his shoulder while she was screaming “I am not that heavy! Put me down, asshat!”

Of course, Jace being Jace, tried to lift their mom or their dad’s car in order to win the game. While he indeed was stronger than Alec now and had inhuman upper-body strength, Jace had been quite small when they were growing up. Alec was clearly winning until one day, his brother had walked into the dining room holding Izzy’s toy globe between his hands.

“Haha. I win the game, Alec!” he had announced.

“What? That globe is so light even baby Max can lift it!” Alec had snickered.

“Yeah but I am holding the entire world between my hands. Which is the heaviest thing in universe,” his brother declared triumphantly.

“First of all, that is complete bull and so not the point of this game! Second of all, earth is not even the heaviest planet! It’s Jupiter, you dumbass!” he corrected the other boy.

But when Jace had looked at their mother with his puppy dog eyes, she declared Jace as the winner for being ‘the strongest and smartest boy in the house’. Alec still remembered throwing his first ever temper tantrum and screaming ‘You can’t carry the whole world in your hands! It's stupid!’ before running off to his room, where he spent the rest of the night crying.

But now, when he was holding Magnus between his hands…he realized maybe he was wrong. He wanted to tell his younger self that it was indeed possible to carry the whole world in your hands.

“It’s not vain,” Alec had reassured him. “But I understand what you mean. Are you throwing a party?”

“Not a party, no. Just a little gathering for close friends,” Magnus said fidgeting with his robe.

“And when were you going to tell me about this little gathering?” Alec had asked teasingly.

“Um, Saturday?”

Then it hit him. Maybe the reason Magnus didn’t tell him was because…

“Magnus, do you not want me to meet your friends? If that’s the case, I understand. It’s all new and you don’t have to…”

“Alexander,” Magnus interrupted him by holding a finger between Alec’s lips, “I would love for you to meet my friends. But Cat and Ragnor won’t be here since they are in London. I have already invited Clary, Sujan and Raphael. But you’ve already met all of them.”

_Shit, it's the plant dude with the secret cameras and shiny shoes!_

Oh Raphael. That had been a disaster. Not only had Alec made a horrible first impression by calling Magnus’ friend a thief but had completely misread the situation when Raphael had given Alec his number. Maybe he shouldn’t actually be at this gathering.

“I would love for you to be there. Actually, I was thinking of inviting your siblings over too," Magnus carried on hesitantly, "I don’t want you to misunderstand. The only reason I didn’t tell you is because…I don’t want you to make a big deal out of it. You don’t have to do anything or get me anything.”

“Magnus, of course I am getting you something. It’s your birthday!” Alec had protested.

“Alexander, you really don’t have to…”

Alec had shut the other man up by kissing him.

Over the last week he had come to realize that it was his favorite thing to do. He had come to the conclusion that kissing Magnus was the best feeling in the world. He couldn’t really explain what it meant to him but he knew exactly what it felt like.

Kissing Magnus felt like…It felt like winter in New York. Although most New Yorkers hated winter, it has always been his favorite season. The first sip of hot chocolate on a particularly cold day; the touch of his mom’s soft hands when she brushes the snow off his hair; the warmth of the hideous sweaters his sister knits for him; the serenity of Max’s voice when they cuddle and read manga together in front of the fireplace; the satisfaction of hitting Jace on his perfectly styled hair during their snowball fights; the joy of drinking dad’s delicious homemade pumpkin soup; walking home after work underneath all the Christmas lights. Alec absolutely loved these little feelings.

Kissing Magnus was all of this, but at once.

He heard the sound of a kid screaming for his mom and came back to reality. He had told Magnus that he would get him something for his birthday – which was why he was sitting all on his own at the mall on a Thursday evening. It has been three days since he had learned about Magnus’s birthday and he still hasn’t figured out what to get him. Every time he tried to think of a gift, he either came up with something lame or got distracted by the thought of kissing Magnus.

_OMG! Can you stop complaining? I am trying my goddamn best here! This is uncharted territory!_

Alec couldn’t disagree with that. He has zero experience in buying gifts for someone-

_If you say ‘casual dating’, I will strangle you!_

The point was that he was absolutely clueless. After realizing he was a hopeless case, he had asked his siblings for advice – with much reluctance of course.

When he had first revealed to his siblings that he was casual-

_Don’t say it, bitch._

When he had first told them about the recent developments, he had wisely switched off his phone because he knew he would be bombarded with a million questions and endless shrieking – and then Izzy would probably let Jace talk. But he didn’t realize that his nosey siblings would barge into the loft without a warning.

_Well, you did turn off your phone so..._

As expected, Izzy was shrieking, giggling, hyperventilating and crying. The weird thing was that she was doing all of it at the same time. It was actually quite scary to watch. Jace, on the other hand, was moving to random parts of the loft and kept asking “did yall do it here?”

Alec had told them that they haven’t ‘done it’ anywhere. Izzy started shrieking, giggling, hyperventilating and crying again. Thankfully Magnus was working late that day but Alec had still begged her to stop.

“I am just _so_ happy for you, Alec,” she sobbed, which turned into a weird hiccup and a giggle, “I cannot believe that you bagged _Magnus Bane_! This is the best news ever!” She started hyperventilating again and stopped only to make a dramatic gasp and scream “OH MY GOD YOUR KIDS ARE GOING TO LOOK GORGEOUS!!!”

At which point, Alec literally had to cover her mouth with one of the throw pillows on the couch. They watched the new episodes of Brooklyn 99 while having some pizza after which Alec had asked them both to politely leave. They – and by ‘they’ he meant Izzy – could not be here when Magnus returned from work. Jace had come up to him while Izzy was in the bathroom and shoved a parcel into his hands. It was - to no one’s surprise - a packet of condoms and a bottle of lube. “Go get it, tiger” Jace had said and left without another word.

_Would it kill you to put that thoughtful gift to good use?_

He didn’t even want to think about what kind of chaos the two of them would cause on Saturday. When he had asked for their advice on what to get Magnus, they had both screamed “YOU” at him. Jace even suggested that Alec should put a bow on himself and just wait for Magnus on his bed.

_I still don’t see what is wrong with that idea!_

Anyways, long story short, his useless self and overeager siblings was the reason he had to reach out to the man who was briskly walking toward him with a deadly stare.

“Did you have to pick this place? There are children here! CHILDREN!” the other man said without any preamble.

“Hi, Raphael!” Alec said politely, “Thanks for helping me out.”

He didn’t think he would ever meet with Raphael again – not after what happened the last time they were alone. But he didn’t know who else to turn to. He needed someone with good taste and  someone who knew Magnus well enough - that didn't leave him much choice.

When Alec had called him yesterday after giving up on himself, he hadn’t expected Raphael to offer his help – especially when the other man had answered the phone with a sharp “lose this number”.

“Um, it’s me. Alec. Alec Lightwood. Magnus’s roommate. We met last week,” Alec had blabbered.

“Is everything alright with Magnus?” Raphael had asked immediately.

“Yeah, he is fine. Everything is good. This is about, um, his birthday.”

“Yeah, not interest-"

“I was hoping if you could help me choose a gift for Magnus,” Alec interrupted him.

“I’m sorry but at what point during our previous interaction did I give you the impression that I am interested in going on shopping dates with you? If I wasn’t abundantly clear last time, I am not interested!” Raphael went off like a firecracker.

“No no no, it’s not like that,” Alec tried to clear up the situation, “Um, Magnus and I are actually…uh, casually dating.”

_Lord, give me strength..._

There was a long pause on the other end of the line before Raphael spoke up, “I have no idea what the hell that means. What do you want?”

“Uh...I want to get something for him, but I can’t figure out what to buy. I thought you could help. You look like you have good taste,” Alec said hoping it would help his case.

“While that might be true, this is not my prob…”

“Raphael, please. I just want to make him happy. He deserves that.”

And that was the reason why Alec was putting himself through all of this. He was not someone who enjoyed shopping or hanging out with people he barely knew. But he wanted to make Magnus happy, especially on his birthday. So, here, he was practically begging for the help of a stranger - who was his last hope.

“Tomorrow evening. Text me the location,” Raphael had said before hanging up abruptly.

Alec was seriously hoping that Raphael's divine intervention would lead to something solid.

_Bruh! Just give your man the condoms and the lube. He'll get the hint!_

They were both walking around the mall when Raphael suddenly asked “Where are we going?”

“Um, I don’t know.”

“You don’t know? I was following you!”

“Well, I was following you!”

“Do you have _any_ idea what you are looking for?” Raphael asked, clearly exasperated and seemingly done with the whole thing.

“No! I don’t know what to buy him. He is so…” he gestured helplessly with his hands, “Which is why I asked for your help.”

“You people are exhausting,” Raphael sighed as he dragged him into a clothing store.

_This is going to be fun, isn't it?_

They went to almost all of the shops in the mall for the next two hours. Raphael kept suggesting one gift after another, but Alec was not satisfied with any of them.

“They are just all so…ordinary,” Alec said. That was the problem. Every idea and suggestion was ordinary and Magnus was anything but that.

They were sitting at the juice bar to take a small break before visiting the final shops. Maybe he could look for something online? But he wasn’t sure whether it will get delivered on time – of course that is if he manages to find something perfect for Magnus.

“Maybe I should just…not give him a gift,” Alec said because he didn’t know what else to do.

“After I spent the last two hours going up and down this hellhole? I don’t think so,” Raphael replied.

“What about you? What are you getting him?” Alec asked.

The other man looked and dressed like he had good taste. So surely he must have picked something good.

“I let him hug me – just once. That’s what I give him every year,” Raphael said.

_What kind of cheap ass gift is that?_

“A hug?” Alec repeated, trying not to sound judgmental and failing miserably.

“I don’t think you understand the sacrifice I’m making here, Lightwood!” he snapped.

They drank their milkshakes in silence until Raphael spoke up, “Why me?”

“Huh?” Alec asked, eloquently.

“Why did you ask me to help you?” Raphael asked again, rolling his eyes this time. 

“Well, my siblings are too nosey and hyper to handle. And if I had asked Simon, I am pretty sure I would have ended up with some Star Wars toy,” Alec explained.

He didn’t tell Raphael that at this point he wouldn’t mind buying Magnus some Star Wars merchandise considering he had nothing else. He knew Magnus liked the movies so maybe he could ask Simon to help him out tomorrow after work.

_Great! Your first ever gift to your first ever 'boyfriend' is going to be a toy – And not even the fun kind!!_

“I asked why you picked _me_ , not why you didn’t pick the others,” Raphael pointed out.

“Well, the plant thing you do is really thoughtful. Also you’re the only mutual friend I have with Magnus!” he reasoned.

"We are not friends!" Raphael shot back without missing a beat. 

"You know what I mean!"

“What about the redhead?”

“She is too short.”

Raphael raised an eyebrow as if to say ‘are you serious right now?’

‘Okay fine. You are not much of a talker and sometimes you are quite rude. You never ask prying questions cause you really don’t give a shit. We have been shopping together for the last two hours and this is the most you have said in that time. I know you would help me without pestering me about my relationship with Magnus. I don't even think you know my actual name - You called me Alexei twice! I asked you because you know how to get the job done even though you are bit of an arrogant ass,” Alec blabbered before he could stop himself.

Raphael smiled at him and Alec realized for the first time that the other man is actually quite young. He had a beautiful smile when he wasn’t trying to smite people down with his glares.

“Thank you, Alec,” Raphael said, “That means a lot.”

_Huh?_

Alec wanted to apologize because he actually liked hanging out with Raphael but before he could, the other man interrupted him.

“I know that from the outside it looks like Magnus already has everything he wants. But all of this,” he waved his hand gesturing at the mall, “that is not him. He once told me that he would give up everything he has if he could have a family of his own. Because that’s the only thing Magnus has always wanted and never had – A family.”

Raphael looked at him with an earnest look in his face, “If you want to make him happy, then just be there for him because that’s what he really wants. To have someone by his side.”

Someone by his side…

_I achieved so many things along the way. Fame. Success. Money. But all I ever wanted was a home._

He remembered Magnus’ words that night at the terrace. The first time he realized he loved this man more than anything in the world.

Magnus wanted to be with someone who loved him unconditionally. He wanted a family. He wanted someone to be by his side and remind him that he is never alone.

And suddenly it hit him.

_DUDE!_

“Oh my god, Raphael! I figured it out! I know what to get Magnus!”

Raphael perked up at that and stood up adjusting his shirt, “Alright, which store are we going to?”

“Uh, actually. You can’t buy it here,” Alec confessed awkwardly, “I’ll have to sort it out tomorrow.”

“Are you saying I just wasted two hours for nothing?” Raphael asked, not even trying to hide the annoyance in his voice.

“Not for nothing. You helped me figure it out. So, thank you. Really. Thank you so much,” Alec said. He was so excited that he almost hugged the other man. But he wasn’t big on hugging strangers and something told him that if he tried to hug Raphael, he might deeply regret it.

“Sure,” Raphael shrugged as if it was nothing, “Please know that you have reached your quota of personal time with me. You won’t be getting another one-on-one for the next ten years.”

_No, come back! I wanna know where you buy your shoes!_

For some reason, Alec knew that the other man wasn’t joking. Raphael started walking towards the exit, he stopped abruptly and walked back. He stood in front of Alec and uncharacteristically fidgeted for a moment before saying “About Bane, don’t hurt him.”

“Raphael, I would never! I love h-”

“Please stop being disgusting,” Raphael interrupted him, “He is a royal pain in my ass…but…He was there when I needed him. He was there for me when I had no one else.”

Alec didn’t know that.

He had come to realize that Magnus, although did so many great things, never boasted about them – Like how he had helped establish the orphanage Alec often volunteered at. Unlike most people, Magnus didn’t help others because it was a nice thing to do. He helped others because it was the right thing to do. It was one of the qualities he loved most about the other man.

No matter how many times he said it, the fact that he loved Magnus still seemed so bizarre.

He had always thought that if he ever fell in love, it would not be a big deal. After all, he never thought he could have any of this for himself. He never thought he would have someone to love or dream about or build a future with.

He always used to wonder why people called it ‘falling in love’. It didn’t really make much sense to him. He had once asked Jace and his brother had said it was because being in love is ‘unexpected’. He had said that you just trip over – all of a sudden, out of nowhere.

But Magnus…Loving Magnus felt nothing like falling.

Loving Magnus felt like flying.

He had never felt so free or unrestricted. He felt like he could go anywhere and do anything he wanted.

Magnus didn’t feel unexpected. Magnus felt familiar and safe.

He thought about how every time he kissed Magnus, it felt so normal. He had been looking forward to his first kiss his entire life. But when he had kissed Magnus for the first time, it didn’t feel like the first time at all. It felt as if he has been doing this his entire life.

Loving Magnus felt like…Magnus himself – warm, comfortable and effortless.

“The point is,” Raphael said, distracting him from his thoughts, “I know where you live. So, don’t hurt him,” he finished and left abruptly without a goodbye as he usually did.

_Dude, did we just get our first ever shovel talk?_

Alec couldn’t help but smile at that. Not for the first time, he was grateful Magnus had people who loved and protected him.

He suddenly remembered that Magnus might be at the receiving end of something similar on Saturday. He was wondering how he could he keep his siblings away from Magnus for a whole night when a cold voice, one that sent shivers through spine, interrupted his thoughts.

“Alec? What the hell do you think you are doing?”

_Oh shit! What the fuck is he doing in a mall?_

He turned around to see his father staring at him with a displeased and disgusted look on his face.

“Who was that?” his father asked, his voice sharp but quiet.

“It was just a friend, dad” Alec said. He sounded so small and weak, he almost didn’t recognize his own voice.

“A friend? You expect me to believe this nonsense? Are you seriously telling me that you spent the evening shopping with a friend? Who happens to be a man?” he said, still keeping his voice low.

_What? Men can't go shopping together?_

“I am not lying. He is just-”

“I don’t care what you do at your new house, but gallivanting around with another man in public! Have you no shame?”

_Gallivanting? What the fuck? Alec, tell him!_

“Dad, I wasn’t-”

“Why do you keep doing this? It is one thing for you to ruin your own future with your disgusting lifestyle, but have you ever stopped to think about the rest of us? What would my business partners say if they see you like this with another man? They are already gossiping about your disappearance at the court! Do you know what a mess you have put your parents in?"

He wanted to say that he didn’t mean to. He didn’t want to. He just wanted to be himself. He wanted to-

“What about your siblings? Do you think Jonathan would go anywhere in his career if the press finds out about his repugnant brother? And Isabelle! Who would even marry her? Who would ever marry a girl that comes from a family like this! They are going to hate you for ruining their future!” his father almost screamed.

_Alec, don’t listen to this bastard. Jace and Izzy love you. No matter what. You know that!_

“They would never…They love me,” Alec said holding down his tears.

“Who could ever love you?” his father almost spit.

And there it was – his biggest fear.

His father had always known where exactly to hit him and right now he hit him right where it hurt.

Alec had spent his entire life thinking that he was not enough. He was not enough for anyone in his life. Regardless of how much he tried, he was not able to please them. He was just not enough. He was so fucking disappointing that his parents literally had to adopt another boy to make up for his inadequacy.

“I have a boyfriend,” Alec said, trying to sound bold and defiant, but his voice sounded nothing if not childish and pathetic.

It was a lie, but he needed it. Magnus wasn't his boyfriend, at least not yet. But he wanted to show his father that he was loved.

“That’s right. Magnus Bane, isn’t it? Another disgusting creature,” his father actually did spit this time, “How miserable must he be to love someone like you?”

“Don’t talk about him that way!” Alec spit back.

It took him a moment to realize what his father had actually just said.

_No. No. No._

“How do you…How?” Alec stammered because he couldn’t put his words together. How does he know? What has he done?

“Your mother overheard your siblings talking about him,” his father offered, “I looked him up. He has quite the reputation. I am not surprised that an affluent man such as himself would experiment in all sorts of degenerate ways.”

Nock. Draw. Release.

“Dad, please don’t talk-”

“You do realize that this is just a fling? He is interested in women, Alec! He is just toying with you!” his father said.

“He is bisexual!” Alec defended, not that his father would understand what that actually means.

“HE IS INTERESTED IN WOMEN!” his father repeated, his voice booming. A couple of people even looked over at them. “Do you understand what that means? This is just a phase! You are just a phase! He has a chance! He has a chance to be normal. _He_ can live a normal life with a wife and children of his own even if _you_ can't! Why would you deprive him of that? Why would you take it away from him? How could you be so selfish? Is it the money? Is that what this is about?”

_Shut your fucking mouth right now!_

"Of course not! I wouldn't-"

"He is going to resent you for this! One day he will realize that that he could have had it all but _you_ took it away from him! You! He will realize that you have ruined his life, just like you have ruined ours. He will come to realize, as we have, that you were not worth it. He will realize that you are not enough for a man like him."

_You are enough. Alec, you are perfect! Magnus said that! Remember?_

“He loves me,” Alec said to himself. Magnus didn’t. Not really. It was just wishful thinking. But his father didn’t have to know that.

“No, he doesn’t! He could have anyone in the world! Do you have any idea how powerful he is? And even if he does ‘love you’ as you say, then what kind of future are you offering him? Can you imagine what will happen to his business, the empire he has built, when they realize he is with a man? What could you possibly give him? What about children? How will you ever build a home?"

_All I ever wanted was a home…_

Magnus' words echoed in his head. 

“This destructive path you are on is ruining your future along with anyone who comes near you. Your parents. Your siblings. That man. Thank god, Max didn't have to deal with your insanity! So, stop it. Stop it right now before you hurt anyone else.”

“But I love him,” was all he could say. Because he did. He loved Magnus. He loved Magnus so fucking much. 

“Then let him go,” his father responded, "Let him go and come back home. It's not too late. We can take you to therapy. They can fix you. They can end this!"

Nock. Draw. Release.

"But I- What about...my future? Magnus....He is my future."

“What future? There is no future here, Alec. Did you think we would allow you to bring that man home for Christmas? Is that what you honestly believed? Did you really think if you found someone rich enough we would let you back into the house? That we would shut up and accept this repulsive life of yours? I have never been more disgusted by you! I don’t care if he owns half of Brooklyn, that man is NOT welcome in my house! He CANNOT have the Lightwood name!”

His father looked like he was done. He turned to leave but looked back at Alec one last time.

“You can either end all of this unnecessary suffering or you can do as you please. But remember Alec, if you choose to be with that man…I have no choice but to let you go. I cannot call you my son,” he spoke the words Alec was dreading to hear for a long time.

Nock. Draw…

“You cannot be a Lightwood and neither can he. Magnus Bane will NEVER be a part of our family.”

Release.

And he left. Just like that. He walked away as if he hadn’t shattered Alec’s…everything.

_Alec? Alec, are you okay?_

It hurt. It hurt so fucking bad. It didn’t hurt because his father was being a homophobic piece of shit. It hurt because he was right.

There was absolutely nothing he could offer Magnus. And Magnus deserved the world.

He can have a normal life. Magnus has a shot at happiness even if Alec doesn’t.

_I just want to make him happy. He deserves that._

He remembered his own words, ones he had told Raphael few minutes ago. Magnus deserved to be happy and Alec wasn’t going to be the one who stood in the way of that.

_But he is happy! He is happy with you!_

Yes. For now. But for how long?

What if Magnus comes to resent him? Like his father predicted?

During those first few weeks in the loft together, he spent so many nights thinking how being not loved by Magnus was the worst feeling in the world. But now…he realized that the only thing worse than being not loved by Magnus was being hated by him.

_He doesn’t! He doesn't hate you! He won’t! He loves you!_

Does he? Why? What do I have to offer?

_Listen to me, goddamnit! He doesn’t want anything from you!_

Doesn’t he?

_He once told me that he would give up everything he has if he could have a family of his own. Because that’s the only thing Magnus has always wanted and never had – A family._

Alec had spent the last couple of days trying to figure out what to get Magnus – what the other man really wanted and what would make him happy. He had been worried that if Magnus wanted some fancy jewelry or an ancient artifact, he might not be able to afford it.

But what Magnus really wanted…It was not something Alec could buy from a mall – not for all the money in the world.

He wanted a family - and Alec could never give him that.

Magnus doesn't deserve that.

Magnus doesn't deserve him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So....Thoughts?
> 
> I know it was a loaded chapter and some of you might have questions. Whether you are full of doubts or just want to talk about what happened or shout at me, please come find me on tumblr @khaleesiofalicante.
> 
> We accept the love we think we deserve. Magnus deserves to be happy. But so does Alec. We all do. I hope my Alec realizes that. 
> 
> Fun fact: August is the most popular birthday month, accounting for about 9% of all the birthdays in the world.


	10. Sagitta

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Is everything okay…with Alec?”
> 
> It scared him a little that he didn’t know a concrete answer to that question. If she had asked him the same question a couple of days ago, he would said yes without hesitation. But now…he wasn’t quite sure.
> 
> Birthday dinners, Unexpected gifts, Cold terraces and other things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy reading :)

“Where is he?” Jace inquired as soon as he walked into the loft.

Magnus has been anxiously waiting for Alec’s siblings to arrive tonight. He had a feeling that something was bothering the other man since he hasn't been acting like himself for the last couple of days. He had immersed himself in work and avoided the loft as much as possible. For a minute, Magnus believed that Alec was avoiding _him_ , but he pushed away that ridiculous thought. 

_That IS a ridiculous thought indeed._

Things have been going well between the both of them. So much so that Magnus actually wanted to have a conversation about the whole 'casual dating' thing. He didn’t want to casually date Alec. He wanted so much more than that. He wanted all of him. So, he decided that it was time to ask Alec to be his boyfriend – that is, if the other man wanted it.

_Why wouldn’t he? Have you seen yourself?_

Although Alec wasn't the shallow type who would fall for someone solely based on their looks, he had admit that he _did_ look good – especially today. Magnus had made an effort to look spectacular – more so than any other day – since it was…It was his birthday. He was wearing a white linen shirt with vertical golden stripes. And of course, he was wearing leather pants. He even colored gold highlights in his hair since Isabelle had suggested that it would make Alec ‘go nuts’.

Magnus liked to show off a little bit now and then considering that...They haven’t exactly taken things to the next level yet.

_And whose fault is that???_

Magnus didn’t want to push Alec. He knew it was Alec’s first time and he wanted to the other man to be ready. And to be honest, he really didn’t mind the waiting. He actually enjoyed little domesticities between them. It felt new. It felt different.

_Listen, I am all in for some domestic fluff. But yall can feed each other brownies without pants on, alright?_

Maybe, they will.

_Wait, WHAT???_

Maybe after they have the little chat on their relationship status, Alec would want to.

_Alexa, play Tonight by Enrique Iglesias._

“He is held up at work. He should be here in a bit,” Magnus responded.

Jace nodded and directly walked over to Clary, who was arguing with Sandy about the new Spiderman Movie.

“Babe, tell Simon that Mysterio deserved better!” Clary said without any preamble.

“Mysterio deserved better!” Jace stated, kissing Clary on her head.

“Not fair! You haven’t even watched Far From Home yet,” Shane protested.

“I don’t have to. I know Clary is right,” Jace shrugged.

“You are really good at this dating thing,” Magnus complimented as Clary kissed Jace back.

To be honest, he didn’t really think it would work out between the two of them. Clary was levelheaded and smart whereas Jace….Well, he had too much chaotic energy. But somehow they made it work and Magnus was happy for them. He was wondering whether they should all go on a triple date when he heard the familiar sound of heels clicking.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!” Isabelle announced as she walked in.

_Izzy!!!_

“Fuck, I forgot! Happy birthday, man!” Jace said quickly, a little embarrassed.

“Seriously? Why did you think we were meeting at Magnus’ today?” Stephanie asked, getting up to greet Isabelle.

“I dunno. I thought we were gonna get drunk again and play strip poker or something,” Jace replied sounding genuinely perplexed.

“I told you we were going for a birthday party!” Isabelle hit him on the head.

“You didn’t tell it was Magnus’ birthday!” Jace argued.

“Well, who else could it be? Alec?” Izzy said rolling her eyes as she greeted Sylvester and walked over to Magnus to greet him with a proper hug. She touched his golden highlights and gave him an approving smirk.

"Alec is not wild enough to be a Saggitarius," Clary said to no one in particular. 

“It could have been his cat’s birthday,” Jace protested again, pointing at Magnus, not letting it go.

“In his defense, I do throw the best of parties for Chariman’s birthday,” Magnus offered because he didn’t want Jace to feel guilty.

“There you go!” Jace said, looking mildly relaxed, “It was a genuine misunderstanding. Also Magnus, I am sorry about the gift. But I would like to offer you infinite coupons for embarrassing stories about Alec.”

“Don’t fall for it, Magnus. They are mostly about him. Alec only comes in at the end of the story to save his ass,” Izzy giggled.

“Well, Alexander does have a tendency to play the knight in shining armor,” Magnus giggled back.

It was no secret that Alec was protective of his siblings. But Magnus had no idea that the feeling extended to him too. It felt odd to be the one who was being protected instead of the one who usually did the protecting. The other week, when they were walking back to the loft from _Crimson Hand_ , some random guy on the street had yelled at him.

“Go back to where you came from, asshole!”

Now Magnus, who had lived in many different parts of the world and was used everyday racism, didn’t really mind. It wasn’t because it didn’t bother him. It did. It did bother him that despite living in the States for almost a decade now, sometimes he was still seen as an outsider. It bothered him that regardless of where he went, it wasn’t…home.

But he knew better than to react. Whoever this man was, it was evident that he was a bully – and bullies, they thrived on antagonizing others. They fed on the reaction of their victims. So, Magnus didn’t do or say anything. He kept walking forward, like he always did in life.

But Alec…Alec had other ideas.

He had walked over to the other man and spoke to him in a quiet voice. Magnus was waiting on the other side of the street watching the whole thing not knowing what to do. After a few minutes, the blonde bully had come scrambling over to Magnus and had apologized profusely before running in the opposite direction.

“What did you tell him?” Magnus had asked curiously.

“Just the truth,” Alec shrugged.

When Magnus gave him the puppy dog eyes, which usually worked on the other man, Alec elaborated, “I told him that if he didn’t apologize immediately, I will have him arrested for possession of illegal substances.”

“So, you lied to him saying that you were a cop?”

“Yep.”

“Did you know he was carrying drugs?”

“Nope.”

_I have to say, this whole bad boy thing is very…nice._

He briefly wondered about what kind of a cop Alec would have been. Alec had a strong sense of justice and was all about upholding the law. During the initial interview, before Alec had moved into the loft, Magnus had asked him about his favorite TV show, to which the other man had replied ‘The news’. Also, even if he wasn’t a cop, Magnus knew that Alec worked with the NYPD and had good connections.

_Do you think we could ask one of his cop friends if we can borrow a uniform? For research?_

Thankfully Magnus was distracted from the idea of Alec in a uniform when Izzy placed a small gift bag in his hands, which by the looks of it was definitely…

“There was a new eye shadow collection at Sephora. I picked you cobalt blue,” Isabelle explained with a wink.

_She truly is the number one malec stan, isn’t she?_

“Speaking of, where is he?” Izzy asked. Magnus, again for the third time tonight, explained that he was stuck at work.

“I don’t know what kind of motivation you are giving him, Magnus. But my boy has been working super hard lately,” Simpson said from the couch.

“What do you mean?” Magnus asked, even though he knew he wasn’t going to like the answer.

“Well, he has been throwing himself at all sorts of projects. I mean, he is late today because he offered to help Mark with his assignment,” Simon explained as he walked over to the kitchen to arrange the appetizers as Clary had put him in charge of Food and Beverage.

_I’m sorry, but who the fuck is Mark?_

That was least of Magnus’ worries. He knew Alec was a hufflepuff to the core and therefore would help anyone who asked for it. But that wasn’t his problem. He would have been fine with it on any other day. He was concerned about the fact that Alec decided to spend extra time at work on his birthday. He was upset that he wasn’t a priority.

_You were the one who didn’t want him to make a big deal!_

But that doesn’t mean he can’t make a little deal! He just…He just wanted to spend the day with Alec. Is that too much to ask?

_From someone you are ‘casually dating’? Probably._

What made things more concerning was the brief look Isabelle and Jace shared right after Simon had said that Alec was working overtime. Even though Magnus didn’t have any siblings himself, he knew _that_ look. That’s the look Catarina and Ragnor share whenever Raphael tells them that Magnus is dating someone knew. It was the classic I-am-worried-about-you look that was forever plastered on the face of his friends.

He suddenly realized how much he missed them. He had spoken to Catarina that morning – who was the first to wish as usual. He had thought it might be different this year considering he lived with Alec, but the other man had left for work before Magnus woke up. He was starting to get a little worried about Alec’s unannounced early departure when Catarina FaceTimed him.

“So when do I get to meet this ‘Alexander’ of yours?” Catarina asked over the phone.

“Well, you have to get your ass over here first,” Magnus replied with a pout.

It has been too long since Ragnor and Catarina left to London for work. He knew for a fact that they were coming back in January after wrapping up the recon stage of their research project, but he missed those meddling idiots – especially today.

“I will see you soon, Magnus,” Catarina comforted him, “I hope you liked my gift.”

“I did, my bluebell,” Magnus had said with a fond smile, “I’ll make sure to post a pic.”

She had sent matching sweaters for himself and Chairman that read ‘ _Stay Pawsitive_ ’. It was sent along with Ragnor’s present, which was a fresh set of baking supplies and a new recipe book – it was accompanied with a note that said “ _Welcome Back!_ ”

So, it was perfectly excusable for him to be a bit emotional over them today considering that he missed these two giant dorks who wanted nothing but the best for him. Thank god, Raphael was not going to walk in with something equally sappy because _that_ would do it.

_Dude, I am so excited for the Annual Santiago Embrace! That man knows how to hug!!!_

He heard the door buzz and literally ran to let the other man in. Alec was finally here!

“Wow, you couldn’t look more disappointed if you tried,” Raphael commented as he walked in.

“Raphael, I thought…I was expecting someone else,” Magnus said, genuinely feeling bad. It wasn’t Raphael’s fault that he was pining tonight.

“Yeah, whatever,” Raphael said. He stopped abruptly in the living room, taking in the rest of the gang.

“Raphael! My man! Quick quesh - Do you think Mysterio was wronged in Far from Home?” Shilpa asked.

Raphael has met Clary and Simon at the loft during several occasions. One could say that they were good acquaintances. According to Raphael’s dictionary, this meant that he would be able to identify their bodies if they died.

“I didn’t understand a word you just said,” he told Simon and looked over at Magnus, “I’m going to take a look at the plants.”

He walked over to the terrace without another word and Magnus knew he wouldn’t come out of there until the others left. He went over to his bedroom, picked up Chairman – who was wearing his new sweater – and left him in the terrace with Raphael since he didn’t want the other man to feel alone.

Magnus walked back to the kitchen to check on the tacos. He wanted to make something for his friends and had opted for tacos since they all enjoyed Mexican food. It only took him around half an hour to finish everything since Shiloh had already prepared most of it. Just as he was about to walk over to the rest of the gang, Isabelle walked into the kitchen munching on some chips.

“Everything okay?” Magnus asked.

“Actually…I was going to ask you the same.” Isabelle said hesitantly, “Everything okay?”

He gave her a second to ask her real question because he could see it coming.

“Is everything okay…with Alec?”

It scared him a little that he didn’t know a concrete answer to that question. If she had asked him the same question a couple of days ago, he would said yes without hesitation. But now…he wasn’t quite sure.

“Yeah. Everything is great,” he said anyway because he didn’t want her to worry, “He is just busy with work.”

“Alec…” she spoke, “He has a tendency to distract himself with work whenever he is not feeling okay. After Max’s incident…he barely came home. He spent most of his time working because he couldn’t talk to us.”

Something in him shivered at that thought. Is that why Alec has been working overtime? So, he _was_ avoiding him? Did he not feel safe in the loft? Had Magnus done something to make him uncomfortable?

_Magnus, it’s only been two days. Let’s not jump to conclusions, okay?_

“I heard that he ran into dad a couple of days ago” Isabelle continued, “I asked him about it but he didn’t respond. Did he say anything to you?”

_See? It was the douche-dad. Not you!_

Well, that didn’t make him feel any better either. If Alec had met his father, that certainly did explain his odd behavior during the last couple of days. But Magnus thought that they had reached a stage where they could be honest with each other. He had thought they could share their sorrows and find comfort in each other. Did Alec not think so?

“No, he didn’t,” Magnus responded, “But I’m sure everything is fine. I’ll talk to him about it, okay?”

And he will. If Alec was in pain, he wanted to share it. He wanted to help.

Isabelle looked at him with a fond smile, “I know our family is pretty fucked up. But I want you to know that I consider you to be a part of it. You are family.”

“Thank you, Isabelle” Magnus said. He wanted to say more but didn’t think he could without ruining his gold eyeliner.

“Oh also…” Isabelle said, her face suddenly becoming serious, “Just wanted to let you know that I can name all 206 bones in the human body…while breaking them.”

_I like this one._

She helped him carry the tacos to the living room where the gang was still trying to settle their dispute on Mysterio.

_What a bunch of nerds…_

Well, they were his nerds. So, Magnus seated himself next to Clary on the floor and joined the discussion. After a much heated debate, to Sawyer’s delight, it was decided that Mysterio was a Grade A Asshole.

Magnus couldn’t remember the last time he had enjoyed the company of a bunch of people who were not his close friends. Of course, he did spend a lot of time gracing events for _Red Scrolls_ and therefore had to meet and socialize with lots of people. But it wasn’t like this. It wasn’t this easy. It wasn’t this natural. For the millionth time, he thanked all the stars in heaven for bringing Alec to him – because with Alec had come a million good things.

He looked over at all the faces around him. All these people who were here to celebrate with him because they loved him.

Clary, his most beloved coworker, who was pouting about losing the debate. Jace, his favorite blonde after Britney Spears, who was trying to comfort Clary by chanting ‘ _Simon Sucks_ ’. Stalin, the savior boy who led him to Alec, who was currently doing a weird victory dance. Isabelle, the girl who adopted him into their family, who was now filming the chaos on her phone. Raphael, his brother by bond, who was peacefully feeding Chairman in the terrace. Ragnor and Catarina, his family by choice, who sent their love from across the ocean.

Magnus tried to remember all their faces in this particular moment. Right now, he was surrounded by people he loved - by everyone that mattered. 

_Well, not everyone._

Before he could get all worried over Alec again, he was interrupted by a text message. He read it quickly, excused himself and walked over to the bedroom.

“Really? Texting each other inside the house? I was right there,” he chastised the other man fondly.

“Too many people,” Raphael said in the way of a response. “I’m leaving now.”

“What? No! You just got here!” Magnus protested.

“I have been here for 42 minutes and have already met two new people. TWO, MAGNUS!” Raphael said with an exasperated tone. “The blonde one said they are going to play strip poker. I really don’t want to be here when that happens. Good luck.”

“Jace was just joking,” he said, although he knew Jace wasn’t, “You are not leaving.”

“Yes, I am. So, get over here so I can give you the stupid hug and get the fuck out!”

Magnus walked over and pulled Raphael into a hug. He could count the times he had hugged the other man with one hand but it never felt forced or weird. For some reason, Raphael’s hugs have always managed to calm his nerves.

“Do you have to stare at your watch? You are killing the mood!” Magnus chuckled fondly.

“If I don’t, you try to sneak in extra seconds,” Raphael complained.

“Can you blame me? You are a really good hugger!” Magnus said hugging him even tighter.

“Alright, that’s enough,” Raphael said. “Keep your hands to yourself till next December, Bane!”

Raphael picked up a bag from the bed and held it over to him. He looked incredibly uncomfortable.

_OMG IS THAT A GIFT? FROM RAPHAEL SANTIAGO?_

“A hug AND a gift?” Magnus asked, failing to hide his surprise. “My my, Mr. Santiago. I don’t think I deserve this honor.”

“Just shut up and take the damn thing before I throw it over the terrace,” Raphael grumbled.

Magnus took the designer bag, which to his excitement was from Versace. It was a black mesh shirt that felt incredibly soft between his fingers. He was genuinely confused as to what brought this on when Raphael spoke up.

“I went shopping with Alec.”

“What?”

_WHAT?????????_

“I went shopping with your boyfriend. He wanted to buy you something and asked for my advice,” Raphael shrugged as it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Magnus didn’t know if he was jealous of Raphael for getting to spend time with Alec outdoors or if he was jealous of Alec for going shopping with Raphael. He had a lot of feelings about this but one dominated all the rest.

_THEY WENT SHOPPING WITHOUT YOU????_

“What did he buy for me?” Magnus asked, doing his best not to pout over the missed opportunity of a lifetime. Raphael Santiago and Alec Lightwood going shopping together - what alternate reality was this?

“I don’t know. He didn’t buy anything at the mall,” Raphael said with an annoyed tone, “But he kept looking at the mesh shirt with this weird look in his face. So…yeah”

Did Raphael just confess that he had bought Magnus a gift – which was not a hug – on behalf of Alec???

_I like this brotp. Please continue._

“He is a good one,” Raphael said before abruptly leaving the room as he usually did.

Magnus wondered about Raphael’s words. He never said that about anyone. He even once called Beyoncé ‘okay-ish’. Alec had achieved something none of his previous partners could – He got Raphael Santiago’s stamp of approval. If that didn’t say Alec was the right person for him, he didn’t know what will.

He put the mesh shirt in his closet with a ludicrous smile on his face. If Alec had liked it so much maybe Magnus could wear it for him tonight?

_YES. YES. YES. MY ANSWER IS YES!_

Before he could decide what to do, there was a commotion outside. When Magnus walked into the living room to check on the others, he noticed that Alec was there. He looked tired to the bone but somehow still managed to be the most beautiful person in the room and possibly the entire world.

_Alright, tone it down._

“You’re here!” Magnus said, not even bothering to hide his obvious relief.

“Sorry, I got held up at work and I had to pick this up,” he waved a gift bag.

 _He bought a gift too? This day just keeps on giving_!

“OMG! What is it? I wanna see!” Isabelle squealed.

Alec quickly held it away from her, “Not for you! Please wait for your own birthday.”

Magnus really didn’t care what was in it. He had asked Alec not to get him anything. Regardless of what it was, he knew he would love it because it was from Alec.

“But I wanna see!” Isabelle said with puppy dog eyes. She looked so genuine and cute, Magnus would have done anything she asked.

But Alec, who was probably used to his siblings’ manipulation techniques, did not falter for a second. “Not happening, Iz! Magnus, I’ll give it to you later.”

Alec walked straight to his room and thumped Jace on the head when the other man said “You’ll _give it_ to him later, huh?”

When Alec came back thirty minutes later, after a bath and fresh clothes, Magnus couldn’t help but notice that he somehow still looked…worn out.

_He is just tired, man! Poor baby._

Magnus fixed him some tacos hoping that some food in the belly would make him feel better. They all spent the rest of the night talking about this and that – most of which was convincing Jace that strip poker was a bad idea. Then Clary suggested that they should share embarrassing stories about the birthday boy – an idea that was well received by everyone in the crowd.

Well, everyone except for Alec.

Magnus, who liked to think that he knew Alec well by now, saw the heaviness behind his eyes and the strain behind his smile. He didn’t comment on it since he knew it had something to do with Alec’s encounter with his father. He decided to patiently wait until they were alone to make sure Alec was okay.

The rest of the night passed with each one in the gang sharing an embarrassing story about another. Magnus was grateful that he didn’t have to take all the shots since most of the stories were either about Jace or Simon. Clary, for his fortune, had kept most of his embarrassing stories to herself, which he considered as an additional birthday gift.

It was nearly ten by the time Isabelle said they should head back since she had classes the next morning. Jace, who mentioned that he also trained during the weekends, seconded the idea. Clary and Simon decided to carpool with the two of them and said their goodbyes.

Tonight was definitely one of the best nights of his entire life and definitely his second favorite birthday. The first would be his seventh one, when his mom had taken him to the local planetarium in their town.

As much as he had fun tonight, he wanted to talk to Alec. He wanted to ask if he was okay. He wanted to give him a hug and tell him everything was going to be okay.

_Don’t forget to say ‘Fuck casual dating. Let’s do this shit for real’._

It was one of those nights no one really got drunk and yet everyone still managed to have a great time. Magnus loved those nights because the fun and laughter was genuine. Still, he went downstairs with the others to make sure they got into their cabs safely. When he got back, he walked straight to the terrace expecting to find Alec there.

He loved the fact that the terrace was now Alec’s favorite spot in the loft too. He enjoyed spending time with the other man in their little spot. But right now, he wasn’t ecstatic about the idea. It wasn’t just because it was freezing outside, but rather because Alec was seated on the couch looking like the cold didn’t bother him at all - which only meant that whatever was bothering him on the inside was so much worse than the minus degree weather outside.

“Happy birthday,” Alec said.

Magnus could see his cold breath but Alec just sat there like a stone. He didn’t realize that the other man hadn’t wished him yet. But it doesn’t matter. Alec was here right now.

“Thank you, Alexander” he said as he covered himself and the other man in the blankets he had brought out for Raphael earlier.

They sat there quietly for a couple of minutes before Magnus broke the silence. He couldn’t stay out there any longer in the cold and more importantly; he couldn’t bear to see the other man look that way for another minute.

“I know something is wrong,” Magnus started, “I am right here if you want to talk about it.”

Alec didn’t say anything in response. Magnus knew Alec wasn’t the kind of person who voluntarily talked about his feelings. So, he decided to push it a little further.

“Alexan-”

“Where do you see yourself in five years?”

Magnus didn’t expect Alec to speak so soon. He certainly didn’t expect Alec to ask existential questions. But that was their thing – asking existential questions in the middle of the night, out here in the terrace.

He didn’t ask why Alec had asked that particular question. Magnus would be thirty next year and it was something he had been pondering on too. He was a businessman and he liked to plan. He also had to admit the fact that he has been thinking more and more about his future since he had met Alec.

“Well, I’m thinking of expanding _Red Scrolls_ to Europe. Actually, I have been thinking about it for the last year,” Magnus explained.

_YAS to Europe!!!_

They had good reception in Europe, especially in Paris and Milan. Since he already had excellent connections in both cities, he was more confident about moving ahead with the idea. Clary had suggested that they should make a final call after studying the results of their new product launch.

When Alec was quiet, Magnus spoke again. The expansion of his fashion empire was not the only thing he wanted for himself in the future. If he expected Alec to be honest with him, it was only fair that he was honest with the other man too.

“I…I also want a family. I don’t know. I mean, it’s…I just…I’d like to think that by the time I am thirty five or whatever, I would have a family of my own, you know? I don’t know if it will happen…But it would be nice to have someone to come home to every day.”

He took a deep breath and let it out. It wasn’t easy. It was hard letting others in on your deepest desires. Of course, it was just Alec. But that made it even harder. He didn’t want to scare Alec or freak him out with his grand plans for the future. But he also knew that he didn’t want to hold anything back from the other man – not anymore.

“I see,” Alec said.

He liked the fact that Alec was a man of few words. He loved Alec’s ability to make a point without having to blabber. But sometimes, he really wished Alec would talk to him – _actually_ talk to him about what was going on in his head. 

“Is this about your father?” Magnus asked carefully. “Isabelle mentioned that you ran into him recently. Did he say something to you again?”

Alec’s entire body language changed at that. His face hardened and his breath became shallower. He took off the blanket and look at Magnus in the eye.

“I don’t think this casual dating thing is working out,” he said.

_Oh, thank fuck. Finally! Somebody said it._

Is that it? Is this what has been bothering him? As usual, he realized he had been worrying over nothing.

“Oh Alexander, I have been thinking the same. I don’t even know what ‘casual dating’ means. I don’t know why I suggested it. We need to define this, us, better. Maybe…I don’t know…What if we could be b-”

“Magnus,” Alec interrupted. There was a hardness in his voice that scared Magnus a little. “I meant _us_. We are not working out. I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

Magnus was sure he had heard him wrong. Maybe it was the cold. Maybe it has blocked his ears or something because surely Alec wasn’t suggesting that they should…What was he suggesting?

“I am sorry. I just…I have been thinking about it for some time now. I didn’t want to do it today. I didn’t want to do this to you…But the more time we spend together…It makes me realize that we are different people. We are not…compatible.”

_Magnus, what is he saying?_

“Is…Is this about your fa-”

“No,” Alec said sharply. “It’s about me – and you. I don’t think…It’s just better this way. For both us.”

It wasn’t. Not for him. Is that what Alec thought? Did he really think Magnus would be better off without him? He took a deep breath in and let his words out.

“If you don’t want to be with me because that’s what you want – I can accept that.”

_No! I didn’t fucking agree to this!_

“But if you are doing this for my sake,” Magnus continued, “If you think that is what I want, then I won’t let you do this. I decide what I deserve – no one else.”

For a moment, he couldn’t help but think how proud Dr. Carstairs would be of him right now. But that brief moment of joy disappeared when Alec shook his head.

“It is what _I_ want.”

_Please, don’t._

“But…why?” He didn’t know what exactly he was asking, but he asked anyway.

“We just…We want different things, Magnus. You want…You want a family. You want kids. You want-”

Magnus wanted to tell him that he didn’t want kids. Well, that would be a lie. Magnus did want children…one day. But he wanted Alec more. He wanted a home - which didn't mean that they _had_ have kids. He wanted to explain that what he wanted wasn’t the traditional idea of a family. He didn’t want the heteronormative bullshit that was fed to them since they were kids. He just wanted to someone to come home to. He wanted to tell Alec that he didn’t want a family because he already had one. He wanted Alec. He needed Alec. He wanted to say that Alec was enough. But he couldn’t get any of the words out.

“NO, I DON’T!” he screamed instead.

“YOU JUST SAID YOU DID!” Alec screamed back.

Everything was quiet again except for the sound of their shallow breaths.

“Alexan-” Magnus tried.

“I can’t, Magnus,” the other man confessed, “I can’t do it.”

_Don’t give up, please._

“I just…My life has been a fucking mess for the last year. Fuck, it’s been shitty since I can remember. I just wanted everything to be okay. After Max…After I got kicked out…I just wanted things to be okay.”

“When I met you…everything got better. At least for a while,” Alec said and Magnus stopped breathing. “I was happy. But now I realize…It’s not gonna last forever, is it? Everything is fucked up again. I am just so tired. I am tired of thinking about things. I am tired of worrying. Why do I always have something to worry about? Why can’t I just have something…Something that doesn’t get fucked up eventually?”

Magnus took Alec’s hand in his. It was cold and trembling – but Magnus knew it wasn’t just because of the weather. Whatever this was about, they were strong enough to overcome it together. Maybe Alec was right, they were not compatible. But they could make it work. Right?

Alec removed his hand gently from his hold, “I am sorry.”

“Don’t give up on us,” Magnus asked because that is all he could do right now, “We could make it work.”

“No, we can’t. I can’t!”

“Why not? Why?”

“My family…They will never…You dese…They don’t…I have to deal with them, Magnus.”

“We can deal with them together…We can-”

“IT’S NOT YOUR PROBLEM TO DEAL WITH!” Alec screamed.

“My brother died in a fucking car accident last year and none of us have moved on! We never talked about it and pretend like he is on vacation. My parents treat Jace like shit – like he is not one of us. He keeps killing himself over training because he is so fucking desperate to belong to our family. Izzy keeps getting into trouble on purpose so she can take the attention off Jace and myself! And me? My parents fucking hate me. They want to send me to some conversion camp and fucking electrocute me because I am gay! I already have too much shit to deal with and I am so fucking done! Why would you want to be a part of any of this? WHY?”

_Because he fucking loves you! Tell him, Magnus! TELL HIM!!!_

“Because I-”

“I don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t,” Alec said with a finality in his voice.

“Why?” Magnus asked again. It was the only thing he wanted to know. Why didn’t Alec want him anymore? What has he done? How can he make it better?

“I just can’t.”

“WHY???”

“BECAUSE IT’S TOO MUCH! YOU’RE TOO MUCH!”

_No. no. no. no. no. no. no. no. no. no. no._

“What did you say?” he asked.

Alec didn’t say that. Alec would never say that. Alec wouldn’t. His Alexander wouldn’t.

“You are just too much for me right now. You want too much. I can’t give you what you want... I just...I need to sort out my own life first."

He realized that life doesn’t include him…because he is too much.

And there it was – the ugly truth. Once more, a good thing leaves him because he is just fucking too much for others to handle.

_Magnus, please._

“I’ll leave in the morning,” Alec said as he got up from the couch and left to his room silently.

_Magnus, ask him not to go!_

During the last three decades, Magnus has been through a lot. He was abandoned by his father before birth. He lost his mother at a young age. He was almost killed by his stepfather. He killed the man who raised him. He was abused in the orphanage. He was cheated on. He was betrayed by his closest friends.

But in all that time, nothing hurt more than this. Nothing hurt more than Alec confirming his deepest insecurities.

_You are not too much, Magnus._

The man who was leaving tomorrow morning certainly didn’t think so.

The only reason why this hurt so much more badly than the others was because he had hoped. He had been foolish and naïve enough to hope for a future with Alec. Now that he knew he can’t have everything he dreamt about…It hurt. It hurt so fucking bad.

He wanted to know what mama would make of this. He wanted mama. He look up and saw the dark, empty sky – not a single star in sight.

His mama was not here with him tonight.

And neither was Alec.

Once again, Magnus was disappointed but not surprised that, he was all alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? *hides behind Chairman*
> 
> I'll be hiding out @khaleesiofalicante on tumblr.
> 
> Fun fact: Earth is closest to the sun during winter.


	11. Apus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As much as he hated what he had done and strongly believed that it was the right thing to do, he couldn’t help but feel that he had somehow made the biggest mistake of his life. He had thought he would feel better after breaking up with Magnus. He truly believed that knowing Magnus is better off without him would make him feel better. But it didn’t. It felt like shit.
> 
> Strong siblings, Old letters, Better priorities and other things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy reading :)

It’s been three days.

Three days since he left the loft. Three days since he left Magnus. Three days since he left everything he ever wanted.

All of it still feels like a dream.

_Dream? More like a fucking nightmare._

As much as he hated what he had done and strongly believed that it was the right thing to do, he couldn’t help but feel that he had somehow made the biggest mistake of his life. He had thought he would feel better after breaking up with Magnus. He truly believed that knowing Magnus is better off without him would make him feel better. But it didn’t. It felt like shit.

_Shit is right. I want to go back to the loft._

He knew that he can't give Magnus the future he wants so badly – which is why he had left him. He left him because Alec knows Magnus deserves better. Magnus deserves the world. But he also wondered if anyone would ever love Magnus as much as he does. He pushed aside the thought because it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter because love is not the only thing Magnus is looking for. He wants a family. He wants a home. Alec was never going to be able to meet those needs. So, he had to leave Magnus.

_Literally the dumbest fucking thing you have done!_

When Magnus confessed about Camille and what she had done, Alec remembers thinking _what a dumb fucking bitch_. He couldn’t comprehend why anyone in their right mind would leave Magnus willingly. But now, he had done the same thing. He wondered if Magnus would hate him as much he hated Camille.

He didn’t want to be another story Magnus told someone on the terrace. He didn’t want to be the man who broke Magnus’s heart. He wanted to be the man who made Magnus smile. He wanted to be Magnus' last.

Yet, he broke Magnus' heart. He hurt the person he loved most in the world. He wondered how he was any different from the other woman. They had both hurt the man they had promised to love and cherish. He was no better than Camille.

_Please stop comparing yourself to that life-sucking she-demon._

But wasn’t he though? He could still feel the way Magnus’s hands clutched at his sweater begging him not to go. He could still see the tears pouring down his red cheeks. The next morning Alec had left before the sun came up. He knew that if he is confronted by Magnus one more time, his resolve would break. He would have chosen to be selfish. He would have stayed with Magnus, no matter the cost. So, he had left early in the morning. The Chairman was awake and had clawed at his jeans as if he knew. He had never heard the feline meow so loudly. Alec had to lock him in his room in order to get out the front door.

_I will never forgive you for that. You know Chairman is the smartest in the loft! You should have listened to him!_

He heard the faint sound of a door opening. He didn’t even bother to check who it was or what they wanted. He hasn’t bothered about anything over the last three days.

After walking out of the loft, he had realized that he has nowhere to go. He couldn’t go back to the loft, not unless he wanted to ruin Magnus’ future. He couldn’t go home to his parents, not unless he wanted to ruin his own future. So, he had walked to the only place where he knew nothing would be expected of him. It took Simon less than a minute to grasp what had happened after taking one look at Alec’s face – and of course his duffle bag. That morning Simon left to _The Institute_ while Alec stayed back. He sat down on the couch promising himself that he will figure his shit out and would move on from Magnus. It has been three days – he has neither moved from the couch nor figured out his shit.

_This sucks. My butt is sore. And I miss Magnus._

Alec felt the strawberry scent and lean hands envelope him. It felt familiar. It felt warm. But it did not make him feel any better.

“Get up, Alec. You need to take a shower – that couch has been through enough already,” Isabelle said, as she walked toward the small kitchen to make herself some tea. She was the first person he had called when he got back to Simon’s.  Jace had left to Washington the day after Magnus’ birthday. So, he had called Isabelle instead. He expected her to shout at him or hit him on the head and say that he had fucked up big time. But instead she had hugged him and said that everything was going to be alright. It wasn’t the reaction he had expected from Isabelle, who is always upfront about her feelings and never understood the meaning of subtlety.

He reluctantly walked to the bathroom to take a shower. Although the water was hot enough, he didn’t feel warm. He realized that he has been feeling cold since his conversation with Magnus in the terrace and he knew that it had nothing to do with the weather that night. He got out and pulled on a sweater. The jasmine fragrance of Magnus’ washing powder took him back to the night they spent in the laundry room.

He remembered how patient Magnus was when he taught Alec how to use the washing machine. He remembered how excited and passionate Magnus looks when he talks about clothes. He remembered Magnus.

_Ughhhhhhh._

“There is something you should know,” Isabelle said cautiously when Alec walked back into the living room.

“Is it about…” He couldn’t even say the other man’s name out loud. How very pathetic of him.

“It’s about Jace,” she finished instead.

“Is he okay?” he asked immediately.

“No,” she responded. “I mean, yeah he is okay, but not really.”

He walked towards the couch to settle down again when Isabelle poured her tea all over the couch.

“Isabelle!” Alec exclaimed.

“Oops. Looks like this couch is ruined. Now you’ll have to find another place to sleep. I wonder who has a spare bed in their incredibly spacious loft,” Isabelle mused.

“I have told you to stop meddling. I am not going back there. You have completely ruined this couch. Simon is going to be so pissed. He bought this when he was in college!” Alec scolded her in an exasperated tone.

_Ew. And you’ve been sleeping on that thing? Gross, dude!_

“Which is precisely why it needs to go. Also, Simon won’t get pissed at me. Don’t worry,” she said with a smirk which usually meant that she knew something he didn’t.

He reluctantly went over to Simon’s working table and sat on the chair. “What’s wrong with Jace?”

“He moved out.”

“He did what?”

“He moved out, “Isabelle said again.

“What? Why? When? How?” Alec questioned her coherently.

“He got back last night – when I told him what happened. Don’t you start now!” she warned him when he tried to interrupt her, “He is your brother and he has a right to know. He went home and shouted at dad – and mom too. He said…Well, lots of things were said. And he moved out. He is living with Clary now.”

“I didn’t mean for this to...”

“Jesus, Alec! Not everything has to do with you! Jace has been talking about moving out for a while now. It’s what he wants. So, please stop feeling guilty over nothing” Isabelle said. Her tone was flat and cold. It was something she had picked up from their father.

They were both quiet for a while when there was a knock on door and Simon came in. Alec hated the fact that Simon had to knock on his own front door before walking in. He hated the fact that Simon had to come back during lunch break to make sure Alec was okay. Simon looked between the two of them and walked straight to his bedroom and locked the door.

_He is a nice dude, isn’t he?_

“What about you?” Alec asked, breaking the silence.

“What about me?” Isabelle asked right back, trying to sound nonchalant.

“You are living there alone, Isabelle! That’s not okay. I don’t think it is a good idea. You should…”

“I should what? Pack up my bags and leave? Like you did with Magnus? Like Jace did last night? I am NOT leaving! I did nothing wrong and I will not leave,” Isabelle argued.

He shouldn’t have expected anything less from his sister. While Alec and Jace had a tendency to run away from their problems, Isabelle has always been a fighter. But Alec couldn’t just not worry about leaving her all alone in their house.

Home – it was a place where you are supposed to feel safe. Alec realized that none of them have ever felt that way in the Lightwood household.

“I wish I could leave. I really do. You think I haven’t thought about it? I wish I had packed up my things and left with Jace last night. Simon said I could crash here. But…You know they would cut off my tuition, Alec. I can’t afford to pay for my degree on my own. So, I have to stay back. I know mom is going to give me shit. But the cost of leaving is so much greater than the cost of staying. It sucks. I can’t tell you how much it sucks. I hate living there. I fucking hate it. But I don’t have a choice. At least until I finish my degree.”

This is exactly what he was afraid of. This is exactly what he wanted to protect his siblings from. He has always felt trapped inside their home. There had been so many moments when he wanted to leave and never look back. But there was always something that held him back – his education, his responsibility towards the Lightwood name, his love for his siblings. So, Alec stayed back no matter how much it hurt. Now his sister was going through the same. He wished he could do something to fix it. Maybe he could get a loan from a bank? Fund Isabelle’s tuition some way so she didn’t feel obligated to stay with their parents.

“It’s not your problem to fix,” Isabelle said gently as if she read his thoughts, “I know you are my brother and you want to help. But it’s not your problem to fix. You have your own shit to deal with right now. You can’t forget about your own problems to try and fix mine. Stop acting like your problems are smaller than mine.”

“Then what do you want me to do?” Alec asked, defeated. He knows better than to argue with Isabelle Lightwood.

“I want you to trust me. Trust me to take care of this myself. I have applied for some scholarships and I know I am smart enough to make it through. I want you to take care of yourself. For once in your life, I want you to prioritize yourself.”

Alec looked at his sister and wondered where she got it from – her courage, her spirit, her love.

“I got it from you,” she said. He really has to check if she has been taking mind reading courses in college. “You are strong. You are kind. You are the best brother I could have ever asked for. I know you fucked things up with Magnus…But I believe in you. I always have. You always do the right thing. So, go do the right thing.”

Alec didn’t know what the right thing was. He thought he had done the right thing by breaking up with Magnus.

In his limited experience, doing the right thing didn’t feel like this. When you do the right thing, it makes you feel free. Right now, he could feel the entire world weighing him down on his shoulders. It didn’t make him feel like he had done the right thing. Maybe breaking up with Magnus wasn’t the right thing to do.

 _EURE-FUCKING-KA_!

“There is one more thing I want you to do,” Isabelle said.

“What is it?”

“Go talk to Jace. He needs you.”

Alec nodded and sent a quick text to his brother asking him to come to the coffee shop near Central Park, where they usually hang out after their run.

Simon came out of his bedroom door and asked, “All good?”

“All good,” Isabelle smiled at him. “I need to get back to college. I’ll see you both later.”

She walked over to Simon and kissed him on the lips and said “Sorry about the couch, babe” before walking out of the apartment.

_HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE. WHAT JUST HAPPENED?_

“What did she mean by-Oh” he said looking at the tea-soaked couch, “Well, it was time to get a new one anyway.”

Even with the disgusting tea stain on it, Alec realized how much he loved that couch – which always felt oddly satisfying. He realized how much he loved that tiny apartment – which always had a place for him to stay when he had nowhere to go. He realized how much he loved Simon – who always stood by him no matter what. He realized that he is actually glad that Simon and Isabelle were dating.

“Simon-”

“If you are going to give me the shovel talk, I’ll pass. Isabelle already gave me her own shovel talk. Something about 200 something bones in the body something. Honestly, I was too terrified to comprehend anything she was saying,” Simon went on his usual blabber.

“Actually…I was going to say that you two make a cute couple,” Alec corrected the other man.

“WHAAA? FOR REALS?” Simon screamed, “I mean. Cool. Yeah. Thanks. I mean, we are great. Obviously. But-”

“Simon, stop blabbering,” Alec said, hitting him with a pillow.

“Where are you gonna sleep?” Simon asked, looking around helplessly over his tiny apartment.

“Don’t worry. I’ll figure it out. I’m going out to meet Jace. I’ll see you later,” he said as he picked up his wallet and phone.

“Hey, Alec!” Simon called out as he walked towards the door, “For the record, I think you and Magnus make a cute couple too.”

_See? Even Shezza knows what’s up._

During the subway ride, he wondered about what he was going to tell Jace. Alec is not the kind of person who randomly blabbers things to people. He always thinks hard about what he is going to say and how he is going to say it. As a journalist, he knows words can be powerful weapons. So, he wanted to be careful. He wanted to say the right thing.

_Really? Is that why you broke up with Magnus on his fucking birthday?_

When it came to Magnus, Alec lost control of all his senses and inhibitions. When it came to Magnus, Alec didn’t think. He acted. Whether it was confessing his feelings, kissing on the terrace or licking chocolate off his jaw or fighting off racist bullies on the street – He didn’t think, he just acted on instinct. It was because he knew. He knew his instincts wanted to protect the other man. So he trusted his instincts.

Well, at least until the birthday incident. He did want to explain the whole situation to Magnus, make him understand. He didn’t want to scream at the other man, in their favorite spot in the loft.

But he had.

Alec didn’t regret what he said that night. Regardless of how much it hurt, it was true. All of it. That night on the terrace, he realized that he could no longer stay with Magnus – especially when the other man told him that he wanted a family. So, Alec did what he had to do.

Of course, he fucking regrets it. Magnus Bane was the best part about his life.

It really hurt to think about Magnus in past tense.

But if it meant that Magnus was happy, then it was worth it.

_Do you really believe that he is happy without you?_

Alec didn’t know the answer to that. Even if Magnus misses him, he will move on. Nobody really missed Alec, not for long. It has been months since he moved out and his parents didn’t really care about him. Maybe Magnus would learn to move on too.

_If you think your parents and Magnus are the same kind of people, then you really are a dumb fuck._

Thankfully he didn’t have to contemplate on the matter any further when he noticed Jace sitting inside, playing with his phone. He was uncharacteristically early, which only meant that the matter was serious. Alec picked up the pace and started walking faster toward his brother.

“Hey! How did the training go?”

“It went good.”

“Izzy told me what happened. Jace you didn’t have to-”

“Let me stop you right there,” Jace interrupted him as Alec sat down, “I didn’t do it because of you. I did it for myself. I wanted to get out for a long time. I finally got confirmation that I have a paid spot on the team. So, I am not financially dependent on Robert and Maryse anymore. So, I left. Of course, last night happened because I was fucking pissed. But it wasn’t because of you. I promise.”

“That’s…That’s good. I am happy for you,” Alec said genuinely. Even though he was hurting, it was nice to know that someone he loves is doing well.

“I wish I could say the same about you,” Jace replied.

_Damn right!_

“How is Clary?” he asked trying to change the subject.

“She is great, man! I fucking love her,” Jace said with a dopey grin on his face. He noticed the way Jace’s entire body changed when he talked about her. His face lit up, his shoulders relaxed and he was smiling like he had just won the lottery. Alec realized that maybe he had. Maybe Jace had actually won the lottery with Clary. Well, good for him. He deserved to be happy.

_Yeah. Everyone other than you deserves to be happy. I am so fucking tired of this song!_

“Why did you do it?” Jace asked suddenly. Alec knew what he was talking about, but he didn’t really want to answer.

“Izzy didn’t tell you?” he asked instead.

“She told me what you did but not why,” Jace shrugged.

He realized that he actually hadn’t told Izzy either. He hadn’t told anyone why he had done it.

“He wants a family,” Alec said. It was all he could say without breaking down.

“Wait. He wants to have kids? Isn’t it a bit too soon?” Jace asked incredulously.

“No. No. He meant the future. He said he wanted a family. Someone he can come home to,” Alec explained.

“So?” Jace asked, still confused.

“So, I can’t give him what he wants. He needs to be with someone who can give him what he wants,” Alec further elaborated.

“Alec what the ACTUAL FUCK are you talking about?” Jace asked.

Jace was one of those people, to whom you had to explain things slowly and carefully. So, Alec did. He told him about everything that happened that night and what had led to it all. He had always found it easy to talk to Jace regardless of what it was about. So, he told the golden haired boy everything.

Once he finished explaining, he noticed that Jace was looking at him with an expression that bordered half on fondness and half on exasperation.

“Alec, do you consider me as your brother?” he asked.

“What? Why would you ask something like that? Did dad tell you something?” Alec shot back, not even bothering to hide the shock in his tone.

“Just answer the question, Lighthouse!”

“Of course, you are my brother, you dumbass!”

“But I am not a Lightwood!”

“So, what? That doesn’t matter. It’s just a stupid name. You are my brother just as much as Max is!”

“But I am not-”

“Jace, you have always been by my side. You support me in everything I do. I love you and trust you - That makes you family.”

“Then what about Magnus? Does he not stand by your side? Does he not support you? Does he not love you? How could you not see that he is already a part of our family?”

_Gotcha, bitch!_

“But he is-”

“Family is not who you are born with. It’s who you would die for. I would die for you, Alec – No questions asked. I am willing to bet my new job that Magnus would die for you too. And I know for a fact that you would die for that shiny man.”

_Gawd, yall are just a bunch of idiots who want to die for each other cause yall love each other too much. Fuck, my eyeliner._

“But what if-”

Jace shushed him and put his hand over Alec’s shoulder.

“I know. I know, it’s scary. But what if he changes his mind? What if he finds someone better? What if realizes that I am not good enough? I thought the same when I started dating Clary. I couldn’t help but think ‘how could someone as amazing as her want to be with someone like me?’ I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Until the night Clary told me that she loved me. And I…I just decided to trust her, man. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me – present company excluded. I am not letting her go.”

But Magnus deserves better. He...

“We have been told our entire lives that we are not good enough. We have been fighting all our lives to be better for other people. I think it is time that we all learn to prioritize ourselves. If you are going to keep telling yourself that you are not good enough, then you’ll never really be happy. I am not saying you are perfect, Alec. God knows none of us are. But you have to believe that the people who love you will learn to accept your imperfections and will love you anyway. Will you ever stop loving Izzy because she always meddles with your personal life? Will you ever stop loving me because I always throw up on your work shoes? Will you ever stop loving Max just because he is no longer with us? No, right? Just trust people, trust Magnus, to love and accept you as who you are.”

“But how, Jace? How do I just trust him like that? What if he decides to leave me one day because he doesn’t like me anymore? Because he found someone better?”

At that, Jace smiled at him.

“You have to trust yourself first, buddy. Once you’ve accepted your flaws, no one can use them against you,” he said.

“God, when did you become so wise?” Alec asked genuinely perplexed.

“Tyrion Lannister,” Jace winked.

The waitress came over hurriedly and took their order. He ordered himself a coffee and a chocolate bagel for Jace, which was his brother’s favorite.

“Do you remember the time dad forced you to quit archery and join the football team?”

“Don’t think I can forget it even if I tried. I can still smell the locker rooms,” Alec shivered.

“I am sorry that I didn’t support you harder. I know you really liked archery. But…You also said that you wanted to spend more time together. You talked about wanting to go out more,” Jace said quietly.

“If you are talking about the weird phase where I had a crush on you, I swear to god!” Alec protested.

It was indeed a weird time. But having a crush on Jace felt like the safest thing to do. He was his brother and was as heterosexual as they come. So, Alec had thought that if he pined after Jace, he wouldn’t have to deal with his real feelings.

“No, I am not. But you are right, that was truly a weird phase,” Jace laughed which prompted Alec to smack him with the napkin. “I just…I know I pushed you to join the football team. I know you did it because I asked you to, not just because of dad. I am sorry I made you do that. You shouldn’t have done that for me.

“Jace, it’s okay. I did get to stare at Kieran’s ass a lot. So, it’s all good,” Alec joked, trying to erase the obvious guilt on Jace’s face.

“I was…I never…I,” Jace stammered, “I was trying to help you. I thought I was doing the right thing. You said you wanted to hang out and spend more time together. So, I thought you would be happy after joining the football team. I thought it was what you wanted, that it made you happy. But you weren’t. It took me a long time to realize how much you hated football.”

“Jace, honestly, it’s okay. Don’t w-”

“The point is,” Jace continued anyway, “I thought I was trying to do the right thing. I thought I was making you happy. I thought I was giving you what you wanted. But instead I made you sad. I put you in more pain. Sometimes…Sometimes we think we are doing the right thing – especially when it comes to the people we love. We think we know what is best for them. But we don’t. Only they know what is best for them.”

Alec realized that Izzy had wanted them to meet not because Jace needed Alec, but because she knew that Alec needed Jace. This is why he was able to talk to Jace about anything at all – because Jace could see what he couldn’t. Jace always knew how he felt without Alec having to tell him.

“I know you think leaving Magnus was the best option. But how do you know Magnus thinks that way too? How do you know that’s what he wants? I mean, yes. He wants a family. But who is to say he wasn’t talking about you? I don’t think he wants a kid, Alec. I don’t think he wants to be a Lightwood either. He just wants you. And if he wants a kid, then fucking adopt one. It doesn’t matter who that kid is, I know you guys will love that kid no matter what. I speak from experience.”

Alec didn’t care who was watching, he threw himself at Jace and hugged his brother tight.

“Blood is not love,” Jace whispered in his ear.

“Did Tyrion Lannister teach you that too?” Alec asked wiping away his tears.

“No, Magnus Bane taught me that,” Jace smiled.

“God, I really fucked up didn’t I?” Alec asked.

“Yep.  Big time. But we are gonna fix it, okay?” Jace promised.

_Fuck yeah, we are gonna fix it. Let’s go get my boo back._

“I love you,” Alec said into his brother’s shoulders.

“I love you too, Alec” Jace replied without missing a beat.

“I want to…I want to talk to Magnus. But…But there is something I want to do first,” he said.

He will get Magnus back – that is, if Magnus wanted him back. He had messed everything up that night. But he was right about one thing, Alec had his own shit to fix first. He must get rid of the demons that haunt him before trying to start a new life.

“I know,” Jace said as he took out a crumpled piece of paper from his coat pocket, “It’s the fucking brochure for that camp. I want you to give it to Robert and ask him to shove it up his ass.”

Alec smiled nervously at that, “Will you come with me?” he asked.

“Whither thou goest, I will go,” Jace quoted their favorite poem.

He promised to meet Jace at his parents’ and left to _The Institute_ because there was something else he wanted to do – It was something he had been thinking about for a while now. He realized he didn’t want to postpone it any longer. So he walked into his office and took the letter from his drawer.

It was time.

Alec decided to skip the subway. Luckily for him, it wasn’t snowing hard so he was able to walk safely. By the time he got to the cemetery, it was around three in the afternoon. Despite the snow and debris, he was able to find where his brother rested. He walked over to the grave and knelt down.

“Hey, Max!” he said as he started clearing the snow off his brother’s headstone.

“I am sorry it’s been a while. I had some stuff to deal with. I am okay, don’t worry. I…I wanted to tell you something. I…I wanted to say it before the inci…Before you died. I am sorry, I couldn’t. But I realized that it isn’t too late. I thought you might still like to know.”

There was no one at the cemetery except for himself and his brother. Alec took the envelope out of his coat and stared at the cover.

“I…uh, I wrote you a letter a while ago. I actually wrote one for each in our family. I never got the chance to give it to them. It doesn’t matter now because they already know. But…I realized you don’t – And I’d like you to know.”

Knock. Draw. Release.

He let out a deep breath and looked at the words on the crumpled piece of paper.

**"Dear Max,"**

**“There is something that I have been trying to tell you for a while. It’s a secret. I have been keeping this secret to myself since I was your age. I know that secrets are not supposed to be said out loud, but I don’t think I can keep this to myself any longer.**

**I am gay. I don’t know if you know what that means, but it is who I am. It means I like boys, just the same way Jace likes girls. I didn’t want anyone to know because mom and dad might not react well.**

**You might be confused or scared, I want you to know that it is okay. Just because they shout at me, it doesn’t mean that anything is wrong. People don’t cope well when they hear news they didn’t expect. People are not always happy when secrets get out. Remember when you shouted at us for a whole night when you found out Santa wasn’t real? It is probably going to be something like that.**

**Things might change around here once mom and dad read the letters I wrote for them. Of course, they will still love me. But they might find it difficult to love all of me.**

**Do you remember the time when you got bullied in third grade when you told your friends Sasuke was the best character in anime and was way better than Naruto? We were all so worried. We thought you would stop going to school because the other kids were being mean. But instead you put on your backpack, marched down the school hallway in your Sasuke t-shirt and announced ‘I can love whoever I want and I love Sasuke’. I was so proud I almost cried that day during my lectures.**

**I want you to know that you were right. We are allowed to love whoever we want. It doesn’t matter whether they are a boy or a girl. I don’t think we have been told that enough. It’s okay to love whoever you want, Max. It isn’t about how they identify themselves. If they love you, then that is all that matters.**

**Sometimes I wish someone had told me these things when I was your age. I wish someone had told me that there was nothing wrong with me. I used to be so anxious in school because I thought people would be mean to me when they figured out I loved Sasuke when all the boys were expected to love Naruto. I wish I had walked down my high school hallway in a rainbow t-shirt and shouted ‘I can love whoever I want’. But I wasn’t brave enough then.**

**But I think I am brave enough now.**

**I am brave enough to tell you that I can love whoever I want – and I love boys.**

**So, thank you.**

**I don’t know how all of this is going to turn out. But I promise you that I will always be the same brother that sneaks comics into your backpack when mom isn’t looking. I will always be the same brother that helps you hide ducks in Jace's bubble bath. I will always be the same brother who eats your cookies when Izzy decides to bake for us.**

**No matter what happens tomorrow, I promise you – I will always be your brother. Nothing will ever change that.**

**I am so grateful that you showed me that I am allowed to love without boundaries. I am allowed to love without fitting into the expectations of society.**

**I hope that one day I will find someone who I will love as much as you love Sasuke.**

**Your loving brother – Always,**

**Alec.**

He looked at the piece of paper, which was now drenched in tears, and left it at the bottom of the tombstone along with the forget-me-nots he had brought with himself. He pulled his coat tighter and got up.

“I found my Sasuke, Max – and I am going to fight for him.”

_YAASSSSSSS! LET’S NARUTO RUN TO THE LOFT NOW!!!!_

It started snowing slightly harder when he left the cemetery, so he hailed a cab. He gave the driver the address to his parents’ place and sat back.

_Ugh! I forgot we were going to do that! Can we skip to the reunion kiss please?_

Alec wasn’t as anxious as he thought he would be. He found that finally getting the opportunity to tell Max really did make him feel better. Magnus had told him that once the time comes, Alec would know what to say. Alec wanted to tell the other man that he was right. He had the words and he knew exactly what to say to his parents.

“Hey, we have to make a quick detour,” he told the driver. It took him another twenty minutes to get what he wanted. When he got to his parents’, Jace was already waiting outside.

“You ready?” Jace asked when Alec got out of the cab.

He just nodded in response. Despite the assurance and the confidence he had earlier, standing in front of that mahogany door automatically made him feel smaller. He was suddenly nervous – he was that 15 year old boy who wanted to tell his parents that he wants to quit football, that he was done.

When Jace saw him hesitate, he came over and placed both his hands on Alec’s shoulders, “You know you won the game, right?”

“What game?” Alec asked, confused and cold.

“The stupid  _who-can-lift-the-heaviest-thing_ game we played when we were kids? You won it,” Jace smiled.

Alec actually let out a shaky laugh at that. “If I remember correctly, you won that game. You did lift the entire world, after all.”

“It was just a dumb globe that weighed nothing. But you…Alec, you have been carrying the entire world on your shoulders all your life. You have been carrying around the expectations of your family, your name, your gender for so fucking long. I can’t imagine anything heavier than that. The world does not rest on your shoulders anymore. You don’t have to play by its tune. You decide what you want. You go after what you want.”

“But what about the world?” Alec asked. If he wasn’t going to carry the expectations of his family, then who would? Jace? Izzy? He didn’t want them to be burdened by the same weight he carried around all his life.

“Fuck the world,” Jace said, “We owe it nothing.”

_Amen, brother!_

Knock. Draw. Release.

Alec realized that this moment, this is what he has been waiting for his entire life – to choose himself, to stand up for himself, to fight for what he believed in. He wondered if he would be here today if he hadn’t lost max, if he hadn’t got kicked out, If he hadn’t broken up with Magnus. He wondered whether he had to go through everything he did so that it would lead to this specific moment.

Alec always used to believe that everything he has been through made him who he is. Every insult, every rejection, every muffled sob, every turned down hug, every missed opportunity - it all led to the man standing in front of the large mahogany door. It made him strong, resilient and kinder towards other people. He actually thought that his suffering made him stronger.

But now...He couldn’t help but wonder why life worked out that way. Why do people have go through shit in order to be good? Why does kindness come at the price of suffering? Why does empathy require misery?

We are who we are because of what we’ve been through. But that doesn’t mean we have to go through shit in order to be good people. Alec realized he didn’t have to suffer in order to be strong. He didn’t have to experience pain in order to understand what is good. He was done. He could be happy and strong without having to sacrifice parts of himself. 

Knock. Draw. Release.

He took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

“Alec. Jonathan,” his mom said as she opened the door, “we were not expecting you this evening.”

“Can we come in?” Alec asked. She considered it for a moment, her eyes shifting between Jace and himself, before nodding and letting them in.

His father was in the living room reading some sort of document. He looked up at the three of them and looked back at the papers, “If this is about what happened last night, I am not interested. You can apologize all you want, Jonathan. But I will not hear it. You are no longer a part of our family. You cannot move back in.”

“I was never part of your family! And I don’t want to move back in. I have happily moved in with my girlfriend,” Jace announced proudly.

“With your girlfriend? You are staying at this woman’s house? Something she paid for? Have you no shame?” Robert inquired, clearly disgusted.

“I have nothing to be ashamed of, you sexist piece of shit,” Jace stated matter-of-factly, “I am here with Alec and I have nothing to say to you. Oh, except this - You are a horrible human being and a worse father. I hope you rot in hell.”

_Yes! You tell that bastard. You tell him good!_

“I’m going to be right outside if you need me, okay?” Jace  said, looking at him. Alec knew he had to do this himself – this was between his parents and himself.

Jace walked out without another word, leaving the three of them in silence. The only sound in the living room was the soft crackling of the fire from their fireplace.

“This is exactly what I was afraid of,” his mother declared, “Look what you've done. Jace was never disobedient. Your ungrateful attitude has rubbed off on him”

_The world does not rest on your shoulders anymore. You don’t have to play by its tune._

“Actually, this has nothing to do with me. It is all him. But if I had some part to play in it – then I am glad. He deserves to live in a home where he is actually loved and wanted,” Alec replied calmly.

“How dare you? We have given him everything! A roof over his head! A good education! We have-”

“Stop saying that as if it is some sort of special treatment. He was a child! It is his right to have a roof above his ahead and go to school. You don’t have a choice in that matter. You were supposed to love him and make him feel safe – that is what he expected from you. What we _all_ expected from you. We didn’t realize it was too much to ask.”

His father put down his documents, “Quite hypocritical of you to question our parenting strategies considering you have never raised a child yourself…and never will.”

_I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD THIS FUCKER…_

Between his time today at the tiny apartment with the tea-stained couch; the cold coffee shop with the warm brother; the quiet but peaceful graveyard, Alec realized that family was more than just a name – it was people who stood by you when you were at your weakest. He realized that a home was more than just brick and mortar – It was a place where you felt safe and happy despite all the horrible things the world made you feel.

He realized that home was not a place, but rather a person.

“I am not here to argue. I just wanted to say something and then I will leave.”

His parents did not move an inch and were staring at him with cold eyes.

“I am sorry,” he said.

“I am sorry that Max died. It wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t yours either. But I am still sorry. I am sorry that drunk asshole Sebastian ever got a license. I am sorry his rich father bailed him out. I am sorry that none of us were there for Max when he died. I am sorry that I wasn’t there for any of you during the funeral because I distracted myself with work.”

“Alec, we were told not to talk about Max’s incident! This is not healthy for-“ his mom tried to interrupt.

“Max is dead, mom! I know it’s hard to accept that. I know it sucks. I know you wish it was me. But Max is gone. You can’t keep ignoring that anymore. It will not make us stronger or help us move on.”

He noticed that his mom was holding back her tears while his father remained impassive and still.

“I am sorry we had to go through that. But _that_ is all I am sorry for. I will NOT apologize for sexuality. I am gay. This is who I am and this is who I have always been. I will no longer let you or anyone else make me feel guilty about myself.”

He took out a deep breath and let it go. For the first time in his life, breathing didn’t feel like a chore.

“You can disinherit me all you want, dad - But I will _always_ be a Lightwood. I will _always_ be your son. And I will _always_ be gay. There is nothing you can do about any of that.”

He took out the brochure from his coat pocket and held it out to his mom.

“What is this?” she asked, her voice uncharacteristically hoarse and small.

“It’s a support group for parents of LGBT kids. It will help you understand me better. Despite everything we've been through, I still love you. I always will. So, if you want to make this work, you have to try.”

He placed the brochure on her hands gently, “I am not the one who needs to be fixed.”

He looked at them both, wondering if it would be the last time, and headed towards the door.

“Where do you think you are going?” his father asked striding towards the front door.

“I am going home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, thoughts?
> 
> You can come talk to me on tumblr @khaleesiofalicante
> 
> Fun fact:The record for the longest letter was established in 1952, during the Korean War. A lady in Brooklyn, New York, wrote to her boyfriend, a private in the U.S. Army, serving in Korea.


	12. Auriga

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Raphael texted us saying it’s a 911. He said he wanted to FaceTime. Raphael, Magnus! We knew something had to happen for Raphael Santiago to volunteer for our Facetime sessions,” Catarina explained.
> 
> Great friends, Good advice, Healthy decisions among other things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, you!
> 
> Yes, you. You are enough.
> 
> Happy reading :)

“Move,” Raphael ordered, as he barged into Magnus’ bedroom without any preamble. He should really stop giving out spare keys to his friends.

It has been three days since his birthday and two since Alec moved out without even saying so much as a ‘goodbye’. But for Magnus, it felt like a lifetime. The loft felt colder and unnecessarily bigger without the other man in it.

_I miss that bastard and his disgusting sweaters._

Magnus tried not to think about everything that transpired between the two of them in the terrace that night. He tried not to focus on the words Alec had said to his face. He tried not to think about how the person he loved the most, confirmed his biggest fear and insecurity.

_You are thinking about it right now! Stop it!_

It was hard. It was one thing to hear those words from other people, those he didn’t care for much. But to hear it from Alec…It was his worst nightmare.

Alec learning the truth about him. Alec leaving the loft because he can’t handle Magnus. Alec abandoning him just like everyone else in his life.

Over the last three days, he had stayed at home under the false pretense that he was focusing on some last minute designing details for their new launch. Clary probably knew the truth, but she hadn’t said anything. She had asked him to take as long as he needs and had assured him that she will handle everything at _Red Scrolls_.

The plan was to pull himself together and actually focus on the last minute designs. But he had done neither of those things. Instead, he decided to test all the unopened bottles of whiskey in his cabinet.

_So, you decided to throw yourself a pity party. Fantastic!_

On the second day, when Raphael saw the state of the loft and Magnus himself, he literally walked back out without even dropping off the plant he had brought with him. Well, Magnus couldn’t blame Raphael for being disgusted. The loft smelled of cat piss and chinese takeout. And Magnus – he really didn’t want to think about what he smelled like right now.

_Heartbreak. You smell like heartbreak right now. It is not a pleasant smell! Not. Pleasant!_

“You need to get your shit together,” Raphael ordered as he sat down next to him on the bed.

_Gurl, don’t I know it?_

Magnus looked down at himself and noticed the state of his clothes. As someone working in the world of fashion, he has always believed that one can gather so much about a person through their clothes. For example, Magnus always dresses himself in bold clothes - It is vibrant, unique, shiny and it reflects his personality. He doesn't care how others feel about it. If he likes it, he would simply wear it. 

But one's fashion choices, he has also come to learn, can always change with their mood. Which is probably why he has been wearing plain black clothes, which he didn't know he owned, for the last three days. 

He had gone for black because he really didn't feel like wearing any colour. It didn't feel right at the moment. But most importantly, he wore black because it reminded him of Alec.

Alec, who always managed to look beautiful and immaculate, despite hardly wearing anything other than black. 

_I bet he looks immaculate without any clothes too. Guess I'll never know..._

Magnus looked up at the familiar click-clack sound and noticed the other man typing something into his laptop.

“Where did you find my laptop? And how do you know my password?” Magnus demanded.

Raphael raised his eyebrows at him.

“It was on your living room floor and _Chairman Meow_ was not a hard one to crack,” he shrugged.

_Chairman Meow? That’s your password? Ugh, what a basic bitch._

Magnus really didn’t want to get into a lecture about setting secure passwords. So instead, he asked, “What are you doing here? At nine in the morning?”

If Raphael Santiago was visiting someone anytime before sunset, then one must not take it slightly. He preferred not to talk to anyone during daytime since he believed people were 'too chummy' when the sun was out. 

“The rest of the world is at work and you should be too! You are clearly in need of some counsel...” he said pointing at his laptop.

“Oh, are we going to watch classic rom coms in bed? I hope you bought some ice cream,” Magnus replied with mock enthusiasm.

_I know yall are joking or whatever. But I wouldn’t be opposed to some Colin Firth and Mint Chocolate Chip right now._

Raphael looked annoyed at that. But before he could shoot down Magnus with whatever snarky response he had in mind, a loud shrill from the laptop filled the bedroom.

“Ah, they are here!” Raphael announced as he pressed the answer button.

Two achingly familiar faces filled the screen. It was not only the faces that were familiar, but also it was the looks they had. They were both sitting at, what looked like the dining table in Ragnor's apartment.

“I hate your faces,” Magnus said.

“A simple ‘hello’ would have sufficed,” Ragnor responded.

“I didn’t mean your actual faces,” Magnus corrected, “Although I am not very sure about that fake tan of yours, Ragnor.”

Before Ragnor could defend his latest cosmetic adventure, Catarina thankfully intervened, “What’s wrong with our faces, babe?”

“You have that look.”

“What look?”

“The _I-Can’t-Believe-You-Pulled-This-Shit-Again_ look.”

Catarina smiled fondly while Ragnor rolled his eyes to the back of his head.

Christ, he missed these two so much.

“You seem to be mistaken,” Catarina said, “This is actually our _Are-You-Okay-Cause-We-Care-About-You_ look.”

Oh.

“I am okay,” he responded quickly.

Raphael, who had distracted himself with his phone, scoffed at that.

“You smell like whiskey,” Ragnor said, even though he is currently thousands of miles away.

“You smell like cheap cologne,” Magnus shot back.

“Boys,” Catarina, the mediator of the group, said warningly, “Magnus, do you want to tell us what happened?

He didn’t have the strength to get into details, “Alec broke up with me.”

“What!”

“Why?”

“When?”

Ragnor, Cataraina and Raphael asked respectively.

Magnus took a deep breath before answering any of their questions.

“Yes, he broke up with me. I don’t want to get into the ‘why’ part of it and it happened three days ago.”

Before anyone could say anything, Ragnor stood up shouting, “He broke up with you ON YOUR BIRTHDAY???”

_That’s right! Thank you, friend in questionable green sweater._

“Ragnor, sit down. I don’t want to stare at your crotch,” Magnus said, trying to lighten the mood.

“But…But he was…What about the gift?” Raphael asked in a confused tone as Ragnor sat down.

“What gift?”

“The gift he got you,” Raphael said exasperatedly, “He was so excited about it. Didn’t he give it to you?”

“No. He was too busy breaking my heart,” Magnus replied.

But he does remember Alec returning late from work on his birthday with a gift in hand. It looked small – like an envelope. Maybe he got him a gift voucher from Sephora or something.

_Sephora? Do you think he left it behind?_

Alec hadn’t. In fact, he had taken every single belonging with him. The only evidence for his existence in the loft was the abandoned coffee machine in the kitchen. It looked sad and lonely without Alec. Magnus wondered whether he looked the same.

“Babe, are you okay?” Catarina asked.

_Nope. Everything hurts and I am dying._

“I am fine, Cat,” he repeated his earlier answer.

“Raphael texted us saying it’s a 911. He said he wanted to FaceTime. _Raphael_ , Magnus! We knew something had to happen for Raphael Santiago to volunteer for our Facetime sessions,” Catarina explained worriedly.

The man in question still seemed to be occupied on his phone. Raphael always pretended to be busy on his phone when he wanted to avoid social interactions when in fact he was probably playing Candy Crush. 

“You don’t have to tell us what happened,” Ragnor said in that annoying mom voice of his, “We just want to make sure you are okay.”

He knows they mean well - They always do. But he hated the fact that his friends were always worried about him. Why did everyone around him constantly worry? Why?

“Stop worrying about me,” Magnus’ words came out harsher than expected, “Just stop it.”

“But…”

“No, you don’t understand,” Magnus pleaded, “I am so tired of everyone worrying about me. Aren’t you?”

“Magnus, we worry because we care,” Catarina said softly.

“WHY? WHY WOULD YOU?”

“Because we love you, dumbass!” Ragnor said in an exasperated tone, “That’s what people do when they love you. They worry and they care.”

“Then why did he leave?” Magnus asked, his voice sounded broken. He didn’t mean to say it out loud, but the words escaped him anyway.

_Magnus…_

“He said…He said I am too much,” his words barely a whisper.

All three of them were quiet. Magnus wondered whether it was because they agreed with Alec.

“I am not going to lie and say that you aren’t. You are too much. God knows you are the most extra person to walk this planet,” Ragnor said.

Well, there it is. The truth. Finally out in the open.

“But Magnus, you are too much in the best possible ways. You are too kind. You are too smart. You are too brave. Everything about you is too much. But that’s what makes you… _you_. Don’t you think?”

_Damn straight. Listen to the British bloke!_

He considered Ragnor’s words for a moment, “Then why do they all leave?”

“Who?”

“Everyone. They always leave, for the same reason, every time. They all leave because I am too much,” Magnus confessed.

“I am sorry, I didn’t realize the three of us were imaginary friends!” Ragnor said in an offended tone.

“I didn’t mean it that-”

“Then how did you mean it?”

“It’s just…Everyone leaves eventually…Because they always realize the truth. They realize I am too much. You might not think so now. But what if you realize it later? And then leave me too?”

_Magnus, stop being so fucking paranoid._

Ragnor laughed at that as if he couldn’t believe Magnus.

“How could you even say that? After everything we’ve been through together! Magnus, we stuck by you during your Charango Phase. If we didn’t leave then, trust me we are not leaving – ever!”

“It wasn’t that bad,” Magnus protested.

“I think the good people of Peru disagree,” Ragnor replied.

“Magnus,” Catarina interjected after quietly observing everything.

“Ragnor is right. There is nothing wrong with being too much. It’s who you are. But sometimes…Sometimes our greatest strength can also turn out to be our greatest weakness.  You do trust too much. You worry too much. You think too much – like you are doing right now.”

 _Wise woman_.

“I guess I am a work in progress,” Magnus said defeated.

“Aren’t we all?” Catarina asked without missing a beat.

It all made sense, expect for one thing.

“But why would he do that? Why would he break my heart that way?” Magnus asked.

He thought Alec loved him. At least, he had hoped.

“Remember when you called us last week? About buying that boy a Christmas gift?”

He does remember that. When Alec had mentioned that he was going to buy Magnus a birthday gift, he immediately wanted to get something for the other man too. Of course, Alec’s birthday was in September and he couldn’t wait for a whole year. So, he decided to get Alec something for Christmas.

But buying something for Alec had led to a conundrum. On one hand, Magnus could easily buy Alec a new collection of clothes – Something other than those battered sweaters he prefers to wear. He could buy the other man an expensive watch. Or a new briefcase. Or anything that didn’t look like it was chosen randomly from a secondhand shop.

But that’s the thing about Alec – something Magnus had learned to love over time. Alec didn’t care much about materialistic possessions. He didn’t care about what he looked like or what he wore. None of those things made him happy. Magnus, who had been utterly confused and lost, had called Catarina and Ragnor for counsel in the middle of the night.

“Not to be that guy, but just suck his dick or something,” Ragnor had said while yawning and abruptly leaving the conversation.

“Don’t mind him,” Catarina had apologized on his behalf, “He is just super sleepy.”

She looked like she was half asleep as well. Magnus wouldn’t blame them, it was nearly four in the morning in London time.

“I just don’t understand what to buy him. He doesn’t like normal stuff! I mean, make no mistake, Alexander would look killer in an Armani suit. But I don’t think it will make him happy,” Magnus had said with a pout.

“Then I guess you have to ask yourself – what makes him happy? What does your Alexander care about?” Catarina had simply asked as if she didn’t lead to an epiphany.

Magnus had thanked her over and over before creating a quick group text between Clary, Simon and himself to gather some much needed information.

After talking to them, and tolerating Simon’s excessive use of gifs, Magnus had found the perfect gift for Alec.

He had called the chairperson of Jace’s athletic team first. He was a good friend and was more than happy to accept Magnus’ donation to the team. He had promised Magnus that the hefty donation would definitely lead to paying more members of the team.

Then he had sent an email to Isabelle’s university saying that he was interested in funding a scholarship. He had asked the chancellor to choose their best medical student and had even offered a paid internship at the research facility of Catarina’s hospital.

If things went according to his plan, Jace should have received a job offer by now and Isabelle should get her scholarship letter sometime this week.

Of course, Magnus had not mentioned Jace’s or Isabelle’s name in particular in both occasions. From what he knew and had seen, the Lightwood siblings were committed and talented enough to make it on their own. Magnus had just given a slight nudge to move things in the right direction a little faster.

_I didn’t know ‘slight nudge’ is synonymous with ‘a couple of million dollars’._

When he had talked to Clary and Simon, they had both mentioned that the Lightwood siblings were hoping to move out of their parents’ house and were trying to make it on their own. From what he had heard about Mr and Mrs Lightwood, Magnus couldn’t blame them at all.

When he was growing up, he would have given anything to have a safe space. He had to go through so much shit in order to make it to where he is today. If Magnus can make sure someone else didn’t have to go through the same horrible experience, then he would do everything in his power to make that happen. Fortunately, he did have the power and money to make it happen. So, he hadn’t hesitated at all.

“You had to go overboard, didn’t you?” Catarina scoffed when he had revealed Alec’s Christmas surprise.

Of course, Alec was never going to know about Magnus’ involvement. But that didn’t matter. 

“You asked me what he loves and cares about. The most important thing to him in the world is that his siblings are safe. So, I did what I had to do,” Magnus had simply shrugged.

Even though the gift had gone to the siblings, it was intended for their big brother. Alec was one of those people who always put the people he loved before him.

_Hmmm. Makes you think why he did what he did, doesn't it?_

“I do remember,” Magnus answered Catarina’s question.

“You spent millions of dollars just to make that boy feel happy. It was an impulsive thing to do and definitely a terrible business move,” Catarina chastised.

“I thought you were supposed to make me feel better,” Magnus rolled his eyes.

“My point is – People do crazy things when they care,” Catarina said.

_Ain’t that the truth?_

“Of course that doesn’t mean what he did was okay. It wasn’t. Regardless of why he did it, he still hurt you,” Ragnor added carefully.

Alec did hurt him. Of course, Magnus doesn’t know why Alec had done it or if there is any justification behind it. But Ragnor was right, that did not make it okay.

Magnus has been hurt a lot and by so many different people. Whenever someone hurt him, they had always justified it by saying “I did it because I love you” or “I did it for your own good” or “I was trying to protect you.”

When he was a little boy he was told that if he likes a girl, he should pull her pigtails to get her attention.

When he was a teenager, he was told that if he liked someone, he should make them jealous by making out with someone else.

When he was a man, he was told that he should avoid his partner from time to time to make them realize how much they missed him.

While it all seemed like solid advice at the time, Magnus has come to realize that their logic was actually pretty messed up. He wondered why society had such fucked up ideals for relationships. He was thankful he longer follows these false values.

Because when you love someone, you don’t hurt them or avoid them or make them jealous. You protect them and encourage them and care for them.

He thought about Camille and how she had fought with him about every single thing, no matter what it was about. She never apologized for her behavior. He realized he has never heard her say the words ‘I am sorry’. He can still remember how she would come up to him after every single fight and whisper in his ear, “Don’t take it seriously, babe. You know I love you, right?”

But if you love someone, you are not supposed to fight _with_ them. You are supposed to fight _for_ them.

_Are you going to fight for Alec?_

That was the million dollar question, wasn’t it? He still loved Alec - that was not going to change. He was sure of that much. But he wasn’t sure whether he should go after him.

“Do you think I should go after him? Fight for him?” Magnus asked his friends, whom he trusted more than anyone else.

He wasn’t ashamed of going after someone he loved. Some people might say that he should wait till Alec gets back to him. He shouldn’t make the first move because it would make him look pathetic and desperate. But fuck society and it’s toxic masculine standards. Magnus loved Alec and he would go after him no matter what.

But, however, he did worry whether it was the right time to do so. Alec had mentioned that he had his own shit to deal with. He had said that he needed to get his life together. Maybe Alec needed a break. Maybe Magnus should wait.

When he explained the situation to his friends, Ragnor considered him with a pensive look.

“Remember when your stupid cat ran away last year and our Cat almost had a heart attack?” he asked.

“Stop exaggerating, Ragnor!” Catarina argued, even though her eyes betrayed her.

She indeed had freaked out and was actually going to call the police. “He is a tiny cat and this is a big city!” she had screamed at the time.

“Chairman is not stupid. He is the smartest one in the loft,” Magnus defended his feline companion, who was probably sleeping on Alec’s bed right now.

Chairman has been acting out over the last three days, a clear sign that he missed Alec. He refused to eat or move from Alec’s bed. Magnus has never related to a cat more in his life.

“I can’t disagree with that,” Ragnor sighed, “While Catarina was running around like a headless chicken, you seemed weirdly calm. You were so calm, we thought you had lost it. I think you were baking chocolate chip cookies!”

“It was hazelnut brownies, actually” Magnus corrected him.

“Regardless,” Ragnor continued, “when your cat came back to the loft after god knows how long…Do you remember what you said?”

Magnus nodded in response since he did indeed remember the particular moment - especially because of Catarina's theatrics. The Chairman had gone to the streets as usual for a personal adventure. But Magnus knew he would come back.

“People who love you always come back,” he had told his friends that night. They had all spent the rest of the night pampering Chairman who looked smug and satisfied about the whole thing.

“That is my advice to you,” Ragnor smiled, “Give him time to deal with…well, whatever he is dealing with right now. If he loves you, he will always come back.”

“But what if he doesn’t?” Magnus voiced his biggest concern, “What if…What if he still thinks I am...too much?”

Catarina moved closer to the laptop camera. If she was here, this would have been the moment where she hugged him tight.

_Bold of you to assume she wouldn’t be hugging you throughout this entire conversation._

“You have the sharpest mind, the kindest heart and the purest soul. You’re the bravest person I know. You’re Magnus Bane. If someone thinks you’re too much, it says more about them than it says about you.”

“And if he doesn’t come back,” Ragnor added cautiously, “Then focus on the people who stay because they are the only ones that matter.”

At that moment, Magnus realized how lucky he was to have these three in his life. They have been through so much – as a group and in their personal lives. Still they always stuck together – Always. For Magnus, that’s what love is all about. Staying together no matter how long or how hard the journey turns out to be.

“I love you idiots, you know that right?” he asked.

He knew. They knew. But it never hurt to say it out loud every now and then.

“We know,” Ragnor smiled.

“And we really hope you know we love you too,” Catarina added.

“Are you guys done yet?” Raphael asked, finally looking up from his phone, “I am feeling slightly nauseous after listening to this conversation.”

Catarina laughed at that and Magnus suggested they should continue the conversation to talk about Ragnor’s fake tan.

“Uh-Oh, tunnel. Gotta go!”

“Ragnor, I can see that you are inside your apartment!”

“Can’t hear you. Beep boop beep. Bye!” he said before ending the call.

_God, I love these dorks so much!_

Magnus stared at the screen and looked at his own reflection. His eyes were slightly glossy, but his face looked brighter and happier. For the millionth time, he thanked his mom for bringing these three into his life.

“I don’t think he is one of them,” Raphael said, after being quiet and resigned for the entire conversation as usual.

“Who?” Magnus asked, confused.

“Alec,” Raphael explained, “He is not like Camille…or the others.”

“I know,” Magnus said because he knew that from the very first day.

“I…I know how you feel…I…I used to be so worried that no one would want to be with me or be my friend…because I was...different. I thought something was wrong with me because I didn’t want to be with anyone else,” Raphael confessed, his voice unusually soft and low.

“But then I met you and Cat and Ragnor,” Raphael smiled at the memory, “The day I came out to you…Do you remember that?”

Of course he does. He remembers how scared and vulnerable the younger man had looked. In that moment, Magnus had wanted nothing more than to reassure Raphael that he was going to be okay.

“You told me that I didn’t need anyone else to feel whole,” Raphael continued when he saw Magnus nod in acknowledgement, “You told me that I am enough as I am.”

Magnus does remember saying that. He didn’t realize back then how important it was for Raphael to hear those words. The society we live in makes us feel like we are incomplete or as if something is wrong with us when are not in a relationship.

Magnus personally knows all about the pressure that is put on people to be in relationships. It was one of the reasons he had constantly jumped from one breakup to another without taking the time to heal.

People were always invested in his personal life, constantly questioning why he was single or if he was okay. Magnus didn’t want Raphael to go through the same. So, he had told Raphael what he believed to be true.

The younger man looked up at him now, making eye contact for the first time since he walked into the loft.

“You are not too much or too little. You are enough as you are.”

And with that, Raphael pulled him into a hug. Magnus rested his head on the other man’s shoulder.

“It’s not my birthday,” Magnus reminded him.

“I know,” Raphael said, “Just shut up and take it.”

So, Magnus did. He was dirty and did indeed smell like whiskey. But Raphael hugged him tight nevertheless. Magnus counted to sixty inside his head to make sure he doesn’t violate the other man’s boundaries. But Raphael didn’t let him go. So Magnus stayed that way for however long the other man let him.

The new milestone in their relationship was interrupted when Chairman padded into the room with a needy meow. Magnus broke off the hug and gathered Chairman in his arms.

“I think he wants a Santiago hug as well,” Magnus said sweetly.

_Hey, I want one of those too!_

“Ugh, get over here” Raphael said, rolling his eyes and hugged Magnus and his cat again.

He didn’t know if the Alec would ever come back. But Magnus hoped the other man would. He hoped they could talk things out and get their life back.

But right now, he tried not to think about that.

Right now, he decided to focus on the people who stayed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?  
> You can find me on tumblr @khaleesiofalicante
> 
> I'll see yall next weekend with the final constellation :)
> 
> Fun fact: Big Ben is arguably London’s most famous landmark. Surprisingly, it is actually meant to go by the name ‘The Clock Tower’, while ‘Big Ben’ is the name of the bell.


	13. Cygnus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I am a simple man. I have lived a simple life. And when I look at you…You are so different. You are everything I am not and so much more. So, I do think that. I do think that you are too much. But I love every bit of it. I love every bit of you. I love you, Magnus Bane.”
> 
> Tulip bouquets, profound confessions, Forgotten gifts and other things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Congratulations, Dolphin! You made it! 
> 
> Happy reading :)

Magnus, please answer the phone.

It’s been two hours since Alec arrived at the loft – to apologize to Magnus, to make up for his reckless behavior, to declare his love, to kiss the other man senseless.

It’s been two hours.

Magnus, please answer the phone.

The flowers were abandoned on the floor, next to where Alec was seated. He had knocked multiple times and called Magnus every five minutes for the last couple of hours when he figured the other man wasn’t home. But there was no answer.

Magnus, please answer the phone.

Maybe Magnus is ignoring him. Maybe he is angry, which Alec completely understands. After everything he has put the other man through, he deserves Magnus’ anger. He deserves so much worse. But not knowing whether Magnus was...alright, that kind of pain seemed unbearable. 

Magnus, please be okay.

His mind was racing with every passing second, wondering if Magnus was okay. He knew Magnus will get hurt because of his actions, but he had justified his stupidity thinking about the ‘greater good’. He had thought that Magnus is strong enough to lose someone like Alec – Someone who was not hard to forget, not hard to move on from, not hard to leave behind.

Magnus, please.

Alec likes to think of himself as a confident man. He has only been absolutely and utterly terrified thrice in his entire life. 

The first time happened on his 12th birthday, when he had found a tarantula in the garden during the party. He had screamed so loud and ran away so frantically; he ended up falling into the pool. Jace, who was new to the Lightwood household at the time, had found the whole thing hilarious.

The second time was when he almost came out to his family. He had been petrified of what they might think and how they might react. Of course, by “they”, he meant his parents, who would've definitely not been happy about the discovery.

The third time had been when he had received the call from Isabelle about Max’s accident. During the entire taxi ride, he was praying over and over – to whom he didn’t know or care – to make sure Max was okay.

But nothing he has been through in his entire life, nothing at all, could compare to the dread he was feeling right now. Not knowing whether Magnus was safe or not - It was the worst possible feeling in the world. If something happens to Magnus because of Alec’s stupidity…

_Alec, please calm down. Magnus is probably fine._

Well, ‘probably’ isn’t good enough!

_You should have fucking thought about that before you broke his heart, you idiot!_

His mom taught him that he should always put everything he has into his efforts.

“In life, we don’t get second chances, Alec,” she once told him.

Of course, it was an odd thing to say to a four year old, but his mom had been tough on all of them since they were kids.

“But what if I accidently make a big mistake?” he had asked her in response, his blissful ignorance seemed like a cruel joke at the moment.

“A mistake?” his mom had arched her perfectly shaped brow, “Lightwoods don’t make mistakes, Alec!”

“But what if I make one? Like a really, really,  _really_ big one?” He remembered widening his arms till they ached, to show his mom how big this ‘hypothetical’ mistake could be.

 “In that case,” Maryse Lightwood had said after thinking for a moment, “You better hope for a miracle.”

Alec could do with a miracle right about now.

_Stop worrying, you worrywart! Nothing happened to Magnus! He probably is hanging out with his friends or something._

Friends…

Dark hair, sharp eyes and a soft smile suddenly flashed in his mind. He immediately shoved his hands into his jean pocket, took out his wallet and started looking for Raphael’s business card. At this particular moment, he was so fucking glad the other man trusted him with his personal phone number.

But apparently the universe hates Alec since Raphael’s phone was switched off.

_Quit it! You know this is usual protocol with Mr. Mexico._

Of course! Magnus had once told him that Raphael usually kept his phone switched off 15 hours a day to avoid unnecessary phone calls, at which point the man in question had intervened and objected, saying while that might be true, it was mainly Magnus that he was ignoring – Magnus and his rants about the latest episode of Masterchef.

“IT IS A VERY STRESSFUL SHOW!” Magnus had protested in return, unleashing Chairman Meow to attack ‘The Ungrateful Brat’.

It has only been three days and nineteen hours…But Alec missed Magnus so much.

_Same, bruh, same._

He looked down at the bouquet of tulips, the flowers silently judging him from the floor. During his way to the loft, he thought a lot about what he would say to Magnus. But he couldn’t just figure it out. Although he was a writer by profession, his words always failed him when he needed them the most. But right now, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what he says. It doesn’t matter if he gets back with Magnus. He just wants the other man to be okay.

He really wanted to call Jace or even Izzy to talk about it – to ask them for their advice. But it wasn’t his place to reveal any information about Magnus’ past to another person – not without Magnus’ consent. He just needs to get through this on his own. 

_And Magnus will come back. Stay strong._

Alright, he can do this. He can wait here till Magnus gets back from…wherever.

_You cannot wait right here! He might be overseas! Winter is here!!!_

No. He isn’t going to move. Alec had made a terrible, horrible mistake. He has to correct it. He needs to tell Magnus how he feels about him. Magnus needs to know.

_You Lightwoods are super weird about making unnecessarily bold statements. Goddamn drama queens!_

He decided to distract himself while he waits and took out his little notebook from his jacket pocket. Alec likes to manually write down his notes, so he carries around a notebook in his jacket pocket to write down random thoughts. He looked at the worn out old thing and thought hard about what to tell Magnus when the other man returned home.

_Why don’t you start with ‘I’m a dumbass bitch.’ I think that covers the essence of the situation._

Magnus, I am so sorry that I-

“I swear to god, he just stared at the child until the innocent thing ran back to her mom! Cat, I know line-cutting is rude, but she was a kid! And it was a fucking ice-cream sta-”

He looked up at the achingly familiar voice and noticed Magnus walking out of the elevator towards the loft entrance, carrying a couple of bags. His beautiful golden-green eyes enlarged the moment they landed on Alec. He saw a flash of hurt, followed by what looked like relief – or so Alec hoped.

“Alexander, what are you doing here?” Magnus asked in a voice so low, Alec could barely hear him.

_FUCK, I missed hearing that name from those gorgeous lips._

He stared at Magnus…and kept staring.

_GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, LIGHTWOOD!_

Words. He needed words.

“I am a dumbass bitch,” Alec blurted out.

_WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?_

“Um, what?” Magnus asked, clearly confused.

“I need to talk to you. Can I come in?” Alec asked hesitantly. What if Magnus asks him to go away?

“Of course,” Magnus said without hesitation and walked into the loft.

Alec picked up the flowers and followed suit. Magnus went straight to the kitchen, poured himself a glass of wine and drank it in one go.

“Are those for me?” Magnus asked, pointing at the flowers.

“Yes. Yes, they are,” he said.

He had almost forgotten the reason for his visit as he was too distracted by looking at Magnus. His hair was styled perfectly as usual – with glitter of course. He was wearing a red, silk shirt and ripped jeans, which hung from hips in just the right manner.

_ISTG. Now is not the time to be horny!!!_

He also noticed that Magnus looked…happy. Not ecstatic or energetic like his usual self – but he did look happy. Alec, on the other hand, looked like he had lived through the Great Depression itself. As much as he was happy to see Magnus doing well, he hated that some part of him was worried whether Magnus was not affected by the breakup as much he was.

_So what? You wanna see tear stains and ice cream tubs?_

He chastised himself for even thinking that and put away the ridiculous thought. Magnus was allowed to feel whatever he wanted to feel and he can deal with his emotions in any way he sees fit. The other man walked over, took the flowers from Alec with a small smile, and walked back to the kitchen.

“So, you are here to apologize,” Magnus said. It wasn’t a question.

Magnus noticed Alec looking at him at a loss and gestured at the flowers, “Tulips are apology flowers,” he explained, “I have spent enough time with Raphael to know a thing or two about them.”

“I am,” Alec said, his voice suddenly hoarse, “Magnus, I am so sor-”

“Before you say anything,” Magnus interrupted, raising his hand, “Can I have a moment to go change my shirt? I spilled some ice-cream on it.”

“Of course,” Alec replied, “I can wait.”

I will wait for you as long as it takes.

Alec did not notice a stain on the shirt. More than that, Magnus Bane would never spill anything on...Versace? Well, Alec was sure the shirt was branded and Magnus would never spill ice cream on it. But if Magnus needed a moment before talking to Alec, he could totally understand that. Alec has had more than a few hours to prepare for this moment and still has no clue what to say.

_I can fucking see that! Just tell him that you love him!!_

If only things were that simple. Of course, he loved Magnus – more than anything in the world. But before he confesses his feelings – his real feelings – he has to, he needs to, apologize. He needs to say how fucking sorry he is for hurting Magnus.

He sat down on the couch and started rubbing his hands on the side of his jeans when he heard the soft meow. The Chairman jumped at him and started licking his face.

“I am so sorry I abandoned you like that. I should have never made that mistake. I know I left, but I love you. You know that right, Chairman?”

_Really? You can say all of that to Chairman but not to Magnus? Really?_

The cat stopped licking and tapped on Alec’s nose with his little paw, as if to say ‘ _You are an idiot!_ ”. Chairman heard the sound of Magnus moving around in his bedroom and ran to him.

Magnus walked back to the living room after ten minutes and sat opposite Alec on the couch.

“You were saying?” Magnus prompted, crossing his legs.

_Just tell him what you feel, Alec. That was the plan, wasn’t it?_

“I am glad you are okay,” Alec said. It was the first thing that came to his head. 

Magnus blessed him with a smile, the kind that made Alec feel like everything was alright in the world in that moment, “I am glad I am okay too.”

“I called you many times,” Alec continued, “You didn’t pick up and I was worried.”

“I am sorry, Alexander. I just noticed while I was changing,” Magnus said, “Raphael took me shopping and my phone was on silent.”

“How was it?” Alec asked, remembering his own shopping adventure with Raphael, “He is weirdly good at guessing your size, isn’t he?”

_Nice! Go with a little humor. Defuse the tension!_

“OH MY GOD, YES?” Magnus squealed, “Everything he chose for me fit perfectly. I think I might have to hire him for _Red Scrolls_. There is a lot of untapped fashion potential in that one.”

Alec laughed nervously because he didn’t know what to say next.

_Say how you feel._

“I am really glad you are okay,” Alec repeated because he couldn’t say it enough, “I thought…I thought something happened…or something.”

_Something happened or something? How the fuck are you a journalist? Who gave you a job?_

“You thought I hurt myself?” Magnus asked and Alec flinched. It was still difficult to hear or even think about that possibility. So, he just nodded.

“I once promised someone that I won’t punish myself for other people’s mistakes,” Magnus said softly.

Alec still remembers that afternoon like it was yesterday. A day spent with nothing but happiness, love and laughter – he wondered whether they could ever get back to that place.

“I can’t tell you how glad I am that you stayed true to your word,” Alec said releasing a deep breath, “Because it _was_ a mistake, Magnus. The biggest mistake of my life. I cannot imagine what I would have done if something happened to you…because of me.”

“Something didn’t,” Magnus said sharply, “And even if it did, it wouldn’t be your fault!”

“But I-”

“Of course, the breakup was your idea," Magnus exclaimed in a frustrated tone, "It might have been your mistake as you say. But it is my responsibility to decide how to deal with it!”

“Do you know why I did it?”

Magnus took in a sharp breath at that, as if he was punched in the gut. He looked away and said, “Because you said I was too much. I…am too much for you.”

“I did-“

“Alexander, you might not understand the gravity of the words you uttered that night. But to me…It is something I have been struggling with my entire life. I have been cast aside time and again because I was too much for too many people. But hearing those words from you…Nothing has ever hurt me more,” Magnus confessed, still avoiding Alec’s eyes.

If he wasn’t so hurt by the sound of Magnus’ voice, Alec would have laughed at the cruel irony of life. While he had spent his entire life thinking he is not enough for people, Magnus had believed that he is too much. While it seemed like completely two different things, Alec understood Magnus's feelings because the pain was the same. The pain of not being accepted for who you are was one of the worst feelings in the world. 

“I never meant to hurt you, Magnus. I know I did. But I was hoping that I would be able to protect you from a lifetime of hurt. I thought that if you chose to spend your life with me…If you chose _me_ , you would eventually come to regret that,” he explained.

“You were right before,” Magnus said after a moment of silence.

“About what?”

“You really are a dumbass bitch!”

Alec couldn’t help but let out a soft sigh at that.

“Alexander, the last few months with you have been the happiest in my entire life! Did you seriously believe that I would regret spending the rest of it with you? What in god’s name gave you that idea?” Magnus asked perplexed.

_Not what, whom. I still wanna kick that bald bastard’s ass!_

“You said you wanted a family. I just…I didn’t know I could…I have never thought about kids or any-”

“Alexander, when I talked about wanting a family-”

“You didn’t mean kids,” Alec finished for him, “I know that now. I know you were talking about a relationship. Stability. You wanted…You want a home."

Magnus was looking at him intently, searching for answers.

"The last three days were horrible. I spent every single minute thinking about what you said. You know what I realized? There is no need for me to create a home for you. You don’t _need_ a home, Magnus. You already have one. I realized that even though I spent my entire life with my parents, that place never felt like home. But this,” he gestured at the loft, “It does.”

“I realized that this place, with its complicated washing machines; thoughtful coffee makers; oversized couches; extra-small towels, spying plants, beloved cats and beautiful roommates – It always felt like home. It still does.”

“Then why did you leave?” Magnus asked. The golden-green eyes staring into his cobalt blue ones.

_Because he is a dumbass bitch. We’ve been through this._

“I left…I left because I thought I was not good enough. I left because I thought I am not good for you. I need you to know that you are the most important person in my life and I want to do everything in my power to make you happy. I will do whatever it takes – even if it hurts me – to make sure you are happy.”

“So you left because you thought…I would be happy without you?” Magnus asked, the disbelief in his eyes evident.

“No. Not entirely. I left because I thought you would be happier with someone else,” Alec corrected him, “But that’s the point, Magnus. I was wrong. I thought wrong. I believed wrong.”

Magnus was raking his hands through his hair now, his frustration clear and evident, “But how could you think that? Did you seriously ‘believe’ I would just move on? That I would find someone else and pretend as if this, us, never happened?”

As much as he hated admitting it, even to himself, Alec had believed it to be true.

“I did believe that. It wasn’t because I underestimated how much you lo-” he held back his tongue, “how much you cared for me. It was because I knew how strong you are. I knew you would be able to get through this – that you’d be able to move on from someone like me.”

“Alexander” Magnus breathed out his name with a heavy sigh. He sounded as if he was tired. He sounded like someone who was tired of being strong for so long; Someone who tired of all the battles; Someone who wanted to go to sleep without having to thinking about the demons he had to fight tomorrow.

“Just because I am tough, it doesn’t make it any less painful. Just because I am fighter, it doesn’t mean I enjoy suffering. You are right. I am strong, I will recover and I will move on – but that doesn’t mean that you get to hurt me.”

Was there anything more painful than knowing that you hurt the person you love most in the world?

“Come with me,” Alec said as he took the other man by the hands and walked out of the living room.

They were standing in the exact same spot not three nights ago – his entire world has turned upside down since then. The blankets they had used the last time were still abandoned on the couch – a sign that Magnus hadn’t visited his favorite spot since the breakup.

_Of course, he didn’t! Why are you giving yourself unnecessary PTSD right now???_

“This place,” he gestured at the terrace with his head, “It’s your favorite spot in the entire loft – And I ruined it. Don’t deny it, Magnus. I know how much a bad memory can ruin a happy place. I have experienced it myself. I can see that you haven’t come back here since….”

“It just hurt too much,” Magnus interrupted quietly.

“I know and I am sorry. I am so fucking sorry, Magnus. I am so sorry I hurt you. I didn’t mean to, I promise. But I can’t take back the fact that I did. I want this to be your favorite place again. When you walk in here with Chairman, I want you to think of all the good things that happened here.”

Magnus looked at him pensively, “So, you want me to forget that we broke up here?”

“No, I don’t,” Alec shook his head, “I want you to remember what I did. So, the next time I try to do something even remotely stupid, I want you call me out on my bullshit.”

“Next time?” Magnus asked skeptically.

“I don’t ever want to hurt you again. But I cannot promise you that I never will. Sometimes, we hurt the people we love the most because we think we are protecting them," Alec said, remembering his brother's advice.

"I might do something crazy or reckless or both – because of how much I feel for you. In those moments, I want you to hit me on the head and say ' _Stop being a fucking dumbass, Alexander!_ '”

“I think I can do that,” Magnus replied, now smiling.

“Well, good – because I am going to need it. I know I am a lot to deal with and there is a lot to work on - but I hope you will give me a second chance,” Alec asked, his voice shivering, but not because of the cold.

“Are you saying you want to be roommates again?” Magnus asked.

“No, I am saying I want to be boyfriends,” Alec replied.

_Um, pardon my French, but…WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY???_

Despite the howling of the cold wind and the angry honking of the taxi drivers in Brooklyn, Alec could hear Magnus’ breath hitch at his words.

“But what about casual dating?”

“Fuck casual dating. Let’s do this shit for real.”

_OH MY GOD, I FEEL LIKE ONE OF THOSE PROUD MOTHERS AT NATIVITY PLAYS._

Magnus rewarded him with one of those brilliant smiles, the ones Alec would have written poetry about if he could. It was enough affirmation, but he needs to know for sure. He needs to know that Magnus wants the same thing as he does.

“So, can I like…be your boyfriend?”

“Yes, you can like…be my boyfriend.”

_SOMEBODY SEND HELP I CANNOT FUCKING BREATHE…_

Magnus’ eyes suddenly widened as if he realized something, “But your parents! Alec, you have to think about your family.”

“I am,” he responded.

Family was not who you were born with, but whom you would die for - And he is prepared to die for Magnus in more ways than one.

Magnus looked at him hesitantly, “I…Being with me is not going to be easy for you. The media…Your personal life will no longer be personal. It can be a little…too much.”

Magnus Bane is his boyfriend. He is in love with this amazing man and he is not afraid to shout it out to the world. The media could write rumours and gossip about their past, their secrets, their insecurities, their sex life - Alec has zero fucks to give. 

_SEX WITH MAGNUS? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH._

“I think I can handle it, Magnus,” Alec reassured him.

“I don’t doubt it,” Magnus took hold of both his hands, “But are you sure though? Are you absolutely sure about this? Because you are new to all of this, Alexander. You can have anyone in the world.”

“I don’t want the world. I want you,” Alec replied without missing a heartbeat.

_THAT’S RIGHT. YOU SAY IT, SON. YOU SAY IT!!!_

Magnus was standing closer to him now. Alec gently removed his hands from the other man’s and held Magnus’ face between his hands. The emptiness he felt during the last three days suddenly disappeared like a puff of smoke – with his world between his hands, everything felt right again.

“So…You don’t think I am too much,” Magnus asked, his voice suddenly small.

Alec realized that just like he had been constantly and repeatedly told that he is not good enough, Magnus must have been conditioned to believe that he is too much. He knew that sort of internalization was hard to erase – there are not enough compliments in the world that could erase such insecurities. He had come to realize that the best way to beat it...is to own it.

For Alec, his biggest fear was that he wasn’t good enough for other people. He was never taught to ask or even consider whether he was good enough for himself – because at the end of that day, that is all that mattered.

Do I love myself? Am I happy with who I am? Am I good enough for me?

He liked who he is and he loved what he did. So, he realized that it is okay to not be good enough for some people. He realized that he should stop measuring his self-worth according to other people’s standards.

He was good enough for himself and he should be with people who accepted that – like Magnus and his siblings, who loved him for who he is, not who he could be.

If some people thought he wasn’t enough, well then they could just go to hell.

_LOOKING AT YOU, ROBOT LIGHTWOOD! YOU EMOTIONLESS TRASH!_

Now that he understood the truth, he needed Magnus to also understand that there is nothing wrong with being too much. He wanted the other man to realize that there is truly no such thing has too much of him. Magnus might not internalize it immediately and of course it is going to take some time. Alec was ready to spend the rest of his life to prove that Magnus is perfect the way he is.

“I am a simple man. I have lived a simple life. And when I look at you…You are so different. You are everything I am not and so much more. So, I do think that. I do think that you are too much. But I love every bit of it. I love every bit of you. I love you, Magnus Bane.”

_UNFOLLOW ME RIGHT NOW. I HAVE WANTED THIS FOR YEARS. WHAT THE FUCK!!! THIS IS GOING TO BE THE ONLY THING I WILL TALK ABOUT FOR THE NEXT - WELL, HOWEVER LONG IT TAKES FOR THEM TO HAVE SEX._

He looked at the man in front of him and thought about how fucking lucky he is to spend the rest of his life with him. Fuck what society thinks. Fuck what his homophobic parents think. He has a future with Magnus and he is going to go after it no matter what. There is literally nothing in the world that could stop him from doing that.

Unless…But what if…

_Fuck. What now, dude?_

“I…You don’t have to say it back. You don’t have to say it just because I did. I understand if you don’t love me righ-”

“OW! What was that for?” Alec asked, when the other man smacked him on the head and interrupted him.

“Stop being a fucking dumbass, Alexander!” Magnus scolded him, keeping his earlier promise.

“So, that means you…”

“Yeah, it means I….”

“Magnus, come on!”

“I love you, Alexander. I will love you as long as I live.”

_EXCUSE ME MAAM, CAN I BORROW A FUCKING TISSUE PLEASE?_

Magnus ran his hand up Alec’s chest but stopped suddenly when he felt something rustle underneath his jacket pocket, “What’s that?”

Fuck, he had totally forgotten about the thing.

“Oh, it’s just the birthday gift I got you. It’s nothing.”

“I want to see it. Show me!” Magnus asked, suddenly excited like a child on Christmas morning.

Alec reached into his pocket and pulled out the plain envelope, “Eh, It’s not…glamorous”

“Darling, I’d hardly expect you to get anything from Giorgio Armani,” Magnus quipped.

“Gio-who-now?”

“Exactly my point!”

Alec held the envelope in his hand nervously until Magnus gently removed it from him. “Whatever it is, I will love it because it is from you.”

“Even if it is from a second-hand coat from a thrift shop that also happens to be orange and blue?” Alec teased.

“Don’t push it, Alexander,” Magnus warned, but without any malice in his tone.

Alec had thought long and hard about what to buy Magnus for his birthday – it had been one of the hardest decisions in his life. He didn’t want to give something materialistic because for starters, Magnus literally has everything he needs and wants. But most importantly, it wouldn’t make him happy – Alec knew that in his heart.

So, when Raphael had told him what Magnus truly wanted – the solution had seemed so simple to Alec. But right now with Magnus tearing the envelope with that excited look on his face, he worried whether he should have just bought him a shirt from that gio-gio brand Magnus mentioned.

_Yo, I trust you! Own the gift, homie!_

“You once told me that sometimes you wish you could be with your mom – that you wanted to be home, with her. I know she is not here anymore. But a great man once told me that just because the people we love are no longer with us, it doesn’t mean that we can’t try. So, I got you this,” he said, as he gestured at the certificate.

“If your mom can’t be here with you, then maybe you can be with her up there. I think she misses you as much as you miss her. God knows I did in the last three days."

"So...I named a star after you. It’s called Magnus Bane.”

“You told me your mom’s name is Hamsa and that she was named after the swans her father raised in his farm. So, you are right here,” he pointed at the map behind the certificate, “A part of the Cygnus Constellation – which is the shape of a swan.”

"I thought...Maybe this way, you get to be with your mom - even during those starless nights. And...she gets to be with you."

He noticed that Magnus was uncharacteristically quiet and was staring at him. He couldn’t read the what the other man was thinking.

_Shit, do you think we overkilled?_

“I mean, it could be a hoax," Alec shrugged, "I know this kind of thing is lame and childish but…I don’t know…I just thought that you’d like it because it would mean that you get to be home with your mom like you always wanted. But we could return if you don’t want to-”

“Alexander?”

“Hmmm?”

“Can you please stop monologuing?” Magnus asked, “Because I really want to kiss you right now.”

_YES GAWD PLEASE!!!_

He leaned in and kissed the other man with everything he had. Despite the fact that they have been standing outside in the cold, he felt warm against Magnus. He felt happy. He felt safe. He felt like he was finally home.

“Do you like it?” Alec asked, pulling away from the other man’s lips with great effort.

“I love it” Magnus whispered against his lips, “And I love you.”

“I love you,” Alec said again.

_I LOVE YOU TWO TOO!!!_

When he had first joined _The Institute_ and suffered with writer’s block, his mentor Jia had told that he should just relax and let go of expectations.

“But how do I do that?” he had asked, a confused rookie at the time.

“Just write what you are passionate about, Alec,” Jia had told him – words that he carries with him every single day, “And write the truth. You must always speak the truth – It is the easiest damn thing in the world.”

At this moment, right now in that terrace, he realized there was nothing he was more passionate about than the man standing in front of him.

As he said those three words to Magnus, he realized that it was the easiest damn thing in the world.

Because, for him, there was no greater truth than this - Alec Lightwood loves Magnus Bane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what now?
> 
> Thoughts? Come tell me how you felt about SSYN on tumblr @khaleesiofalicante
> 
> Thank you so much for each kudos, comment and hit. I appreciate all the support - This includes the angry protests, silent tears and cute giggles.
> 
> This was my first ever fic and you all made it so much fun and memorable.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed reading this story as much as I enjoyed writing it <3
> 
> Fun fact: Swans mate for life!


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